-Woman Speaking To Her Friend At A Party: "Dancing to 80s music is so easy. You jut put your head down, put your arms up, and run in place and jump a little."
-College-Aged Woman: "Facebook's fine, but I wish there was a better way to stalk him."
-College-Aged Woman's Friend: "Stalk? Like really stalk?"
-College-Aged Woman: "No, just stalk as in follow his movements and know where he is going when he goes out and who he is hanging out with."
-College-Aged Woman's Friend: "Oh, that's okay."
-"When I hear about the shingles vaccine I picture someone with a roof all over their body."
-"You can pretty much blame nature for everything. Or nurture. I forget which one sometimes."
-"My clothes smell like Cool Ranch Doritos. I don't know if that is a blessing or a curse."
-"I am sometimes way too cavalier with my phone around toilets. I'm amazed that I have only dropped it in twice."
-"I hope no one ever reads all of my text messages. Which basically means I hope I don't die early and thereby give people an excuse to go through all of my shit."
-A Woman Speaking To A Man At A Party: "Don't take this the wrong way, but you're totally 'Alaska hot.' Anywhere else you would appear to be homeless."
-"The only difference between summer and winter in Alaska is one layer and wool socks."
-"Why do mosquitoes keep biting my knuckles? There's like no blood in them."
-"I feel like I could work 40 hours a week just making fun of Donald Trump's tweets."
See, e.g., any of this.
Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter
-Dude 1: "You know who he is--he's the 'early to bed/early to rise' guy."
-Dude 2: "Yeah, but that shit only works if you actually do go to bed early."
The Ultimate Hipster
-"I have registered for a yoga teacher training at a vegan yoga mediation permaculture farm in the mountains."
It's All Greek To Me