Douching It Up

It's been over two months since we last checked in with KT and her douchebag collection. I've been meaning to write an update for a while, but the last three weeks have been filled with constant sun and warm(ish) weather, making it difficult to find time to sit down and write. But tonight I found inspiration in the form of The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

I didn't watch any of the other Real Housewives seasons, but after hearing the tagline for the NJ episodes, I couldn't pass it up: "Big drama, bigger hair." And the few minutes I watched tonight did not disappoint. For instance, there was this exchange between one of the housewives' 20ish-year-old sons:

Son #1: You just buy books so you can keep them in your room and say you have books. I buy books to read.
Son #2: Yeah, but that makes you a douche and that makes me a baller.

Son #2 followed that up by saying that his "goal in life is to open up 'the face' of strip clubs and car washes." I'm as confused as you are (and I am so worried about the future of our country right now). What does he mean by "the face"? I'm going to venture a guess and speculate that he means something akin to the standard bearer for the industry, or the most recognizable chain. Laudable goals, no doubt. And I really like that he doesn't force himself to choose from his two passions and limit himself to either strip clubs or car washes. Rather, he wants to shoot for the stars and master both. Good for you, Son #2! But I think he should consider combining them: a strip club/car wash sounds kind of cool.[1]

[1] I have some strip club and car wash stories that I can't share anywhere else, so I'm going to write about them here. First, I'm not really a strip club guy. I don't enjoy the experience mainly because I don't want the strippers to think I'm the kind of guy who enjoys strip clubs (note to all of my strip-club loving friends: I respect and support your hobby. I just don't want to go with you.). I've only been to strip clubs on four occasions: The first was when my uncle took me to one to celebrate my getting into law school. We wound up leaving the establishment early because on that particular night the strippers were only allowed to remove their tops. No full nudity allowed on weeknights (NJ has some strange laws). The second time was when my uncle decided to create a family tradition by taking my brother out to a strip club to celebrate his getting into medical school. I was forced to go along and Andrew and I spent most of the night paying the ladies to go away. The third time was at Lobo's bachelor party in St. Maarten. That involved a rented bus that had a dance floor, disco ball, and a bar. We went to like 40 strip clubs that night, all over the island. Some were uber sketchy (like the one located down a path littered with broken glass adjeacent to a barbed-wire fence (we called that one "Beirut")), some were dangerous (like the one where the guy lifted his shirt to reveal a gun in his waistband and suggested we leave), some were super-depressing (like the one that was empty before we got there and where one of the strippers was offering sex for $25), and one had really good barbecued chicken (seriously). The fourth time was at the tail end of Howard's bachelor party in Boston about two years ago. This is what I wrote about that one:
  • Inevitably, one guy will say, in reference to a dancer, "Man, she was really into me," or "We had a really strong connection." He's an idiot and should be slapped immediately.
  • When a stripper sits on your lap and tells you that you are really cute and she "really needs to get some ass because it has been a while," that is code for "you can pay me for sex." An appropriate response (if you don't wan to fuck a prostitute): "Here's $20. Go dance for my friend over there, it's his bachelah pahty." However, if you do want to fuck her, it is best to ask how much it costs before you actually do it. Right, Ari? (Just kidding. Sort of.)
  • Something you should never say to your girlfriend's brother: "Your sister is really hot. You should see her in a thong." (I'm looking at you, Richards.)
  • A phrase you should never utter within earshot of your girlfriend's father: "My psycho girlfriend..." (Still you, Richards).
  • If your best friend's father, a man who has known you since you were 10 years old (and who once prevented your own father from killing you after you totaled your dad's car) turns to you and says, "I really have a thing for Asian women," the appropriate response is to buy him a dance from the nearest available Asian stripper. It's even better if you can get the drunk guy next to you to pay for it.
I almost went to a strip club another time when I lived in San Francisco. A woman I had somehow (she was way too hot for me) convinced to go out with me really wanted to go to the Hustler Club on our first date. I agreed but was very scared and nervous leading up to it. Turns out my roommates wound up planning a long-discussed sushi rolling party at our apartment for that same night. And a different girl that I had a thing for was going to be there. So I cancelled the Hustler Club date and had a great time making sushi with Anita instead. Hustler Club and I went on our date the following week. We went out for a drink and then dinner. She paid for everything, then we went back to my apartment and made out for a little while. Then she left and called me a week later to tell me she was getting back together with her girlfriend. Anita and I wound up hanging out for a couple of months. Things ended right around the time I told her I was moving to Alaska for a three-month job. She said she knew I was going to stay in Alaska and would never move back to SF. I said she was crazy.

Regarding car washes, at a Christmas party in NJ last December I had a conversation about the state of the economy with a friend's uncle. He explained that he wasn't experiencing any financial problems as he "still gets his car washed every week." I found this quite odd. Is this an economic indicator? Should it be? Do people in America wash their cars that often? I live in Alaska where no one cares what they or their cars look like. Plus, there is so much dust, mud, rock and volcanic ash flying around that it is impossible to keep your car clean for more than 20 minutes unless you never drive it. No one I know gets their car washed that frequently (or washes it themselves that often--we do things on our own up here). I usually clean it myself, but I take it in for a professional thorough machine washing twice a year. The last time I took it in I learned the hard way that my sunroof leaks. There is just a small break in the seal, but that small opening allowed gallons of soapy/dirty car wash water to pour in all over my head. That was fun.

That was a long footnote, huh? Back to the main issue: the Real Housewives of NJ left me strangely conflicted. On one hand, having grown up in NJ, I found myself nostalgic for the Garden State and it's many many malls. Yet, on the other, I was so glad that I don't have to deal with those lunatics on a day-to-day basis anymore. But I digress. Remembering that NJ has the highest douche density in the country, I decided that I could wait no longer to share and comment on KT's Early Summer 2009 douchebag collection:

Stay classy, Long Island.

Is the guy on the right touching himself?

Female Douchebags: Douchebagesses?

Or does Douchebaguettes work better?

I look at this guy and I immediately think "Don't leave your drink unattended."

See what I mean?

His arm is bigger than her waist!

"Smugness is not a good quality."

Is he in the Douchebag Boy Scouts?

Here's a closeup. Is that the Douche Scouts merit badge for "niceness?"

OMG--there's two of them!

Why would anyone buy that shirt? Also, this is a rare sighting of the elusive Laconic Douchebag.

Dear ET: I miss you. Love, Elliot.

Does that even count as wearing clothes?

Reason #1 why you should learn how to use Facebook's privacy settings.


AshyKnucks said...

After reading this post, I've concluded that the last 10 minutes have definitley provided me with one of the funniest procrastinations sessions in a long time. "Highest Douche Density..." Totally Amazing!!