3.30.2010

Best (Only?) Politics/Knicks Analogy Ever

"George W. Bush is to Barack Obama as Isiah Thomas is to Donnie Walsh."

Thank Dan Klores for that one. And check out his documentary on the mid-90's Knicks/Reggie Miller/Spike Lee rivalry. It's awesome.

3.18.2010

Overheard in Anchorage: Early Spring 2010 Edition

Two Dudes Talking in a Bar
-"She’s really hot, but I don’t miss her.  Just dating someone who is hot isn’t enough for me anymore. Why do I need more than that all of a sudden?"
-"Because you’re not on the cast of Jersey Shore."

Two Chicks Talking in a Bar
-"Did I tell you I know someone who dated Derek Jeter?"
-"You know Mariah Carey?"

Sign of the Times
-Teen #1: "I’m not buying that cell phone--it can’t do anything, it’s just a phone."
-Teen #2: "Why would anyone want a phone that’s just a phone?"

Overheard at an Office-Warming Party
-Hipster Guy: "My band is making a video.  It’s on our website now. We were trying to do it MTV-style, but, you know, a little better and more refined."
-Non-hipster Guy:  "You mean like VH1?"

Only in Alaska: Overheard on a Dog Walk
-"Watch out, there’s a moose in the rose garden."

The Iron Horse
-Typical Anchorage Guy #1: "When was the last time you missed a First Tap at the Bear Tooth?"
-Typical Anchorage Guy #2: "It’s been a while."
-Typical Anchorage Guy #1: "You’re like the Lou Gehrig of First Tap."

Overheard in a Hallway at UAA
-Woman on cell phone: “The reason why cursive is awesome is that it's a faster way to write words.”

Two Other Dudes Talking at a Bar
-"There's an at sign [@] in this text I just got! How do you do that?! I have to press like option, shift, and go through 4 menus to get to the symbols on my phone!"
-"That's because your phone is so old.  You have a rotary cell phone."

Catching Up
-"How was your weekend?"
-"I don’t know. Talkeetna is like Vegas. I never remember what happens there."

Hanging Out With Too Many Lawyers
-"Did you hear about that ridiculous defense her attorney tried to use?"
-"Yeah, I knew all about it. I saw it on Law and Order once.  You can’t let a little thing like jurisdiction get in the way of a good courtroom drama."

Overheard during the Opening Ceremonies of the Olympics
-"Who is that, the Prime Minister of Canada?"
-"No that's Wayne Gretzky."
-"He’s not the Prime Minister?"

Matchmaker
-Short Woman at Coffee Shop: "Would your friend be interested in a short-haired girl who used to be into women but now thinks she is into men?"
-Tall Man at Coffee Shop: "Is he her type?"
-Short Woman at Coffee Shop: "I don't know, her type is women."

Overheard Political Discussion 
-Bald Guy With Giant Sideburns:  "I would have voted for 2000 John McCain, or JM2K as I like to call him."

How to Get Away With It
-"I purge my texts constantly. I've been doing that for a long time. Even before Tiger Woods."

Not Overheard, But Said Directly to Me by Someone Who Really Wants to Be In One of These
-Emma:  "I’m done with the ACLU. I’m going to rely on someone else to protect my civil liberties. Like me and my gun."

3.15.2010

Take That, Creationism!

I had my wisdom teeth removed last week.  Yes, for the past 15 years or so I have been wandering around with extra teeth in my mouth.

Also, I'm kind of hairy.  Why do I mention this?  Because I just settled the debate:  my extra teeth + my back hair = pretty concrete proof of evolution.

3.14.2010

My Alaska, Too

Several years ago I finished second in the Anchorage Press's haiku contest for best haiku about the PFD. (For those of you that live in America, that's the Alaska Permanent Fund Dividend. More commonly known as the program by which the State pays people for living in Alaska--though as my friend Malcolm can attest, it's way more complicated than that.)  This was the haiku:

Plasma Screen TV
Brand New Refrigerator
Glad We Have Eight Kids

A few weeks ago an artist from Philadelphia contacted me.  He wanted permission to use my haiku as part of a display he was installing at an office building in Alaska.  The installation included revolving digital images of life in Alaska and text from locals and tourists (I'm a local now).  More info on the display, called My Alaska, Too, is on the artist's website. I haven't been to see it in person yet, but it looks pretty cool. My haiku is circled, er, squared, in the picture below.

Rule 11

Lindsay Lohan is suing E-Trade over a commercial featuring a baby "milkaholic" named Lindsay.



This is probably the most baseless lawsuit I have ever heard of. Some other competent attorneys agree. Lohan's lawyer should be sanctioned.  And not just because she still uses AOL. Seriously, there are a lot of bad lawyers out there. Some clues that yours might not be the best: she's still using AOL and has shitty clip art on her website. And she files baseless lawsuits that provide legitimate reasons for people to hate lawyers.

3.13.2010

One Corey

Thoughts on the passing of Corey Haim:
  1. License to Drive was an awesome movie. But in retrospect, it seems odd that a huge part of the story involved driving to a remote roughneck burger joint. 
  2. I watched Dream A Little Dream many times; it confused the hell out of me.  Still does. And it had a  great soundtrack. I had it on cassette. This movie was also notable because it came out during the height of Corey Feldman's Michael Jackson obsession, which was really weird but didn't seem so at the time. He does a whole MJ dance sequence in the movie while dressed exactly like early 90s Michael. Oddly, in the movie, no one gave his character shit for going to high school every day dressed like Michael Jackson. No one noticed. Totally unrealistic. In my school, he would have been the Michael Jackson Guy. As I was in 4th grade when I wore my brand new Michael Jackson Thriller jacket on the first day at my new school. I'm still scarred from the teasing.  Oh, and my mom got on the bus with me to try to help. More on that saga another time.
  3. I remember being bummed that the Coreys' Blown Away (a 1992 "erotic thriller" with a very naked and slutty Nicole Eggert at the height of her hotness that I watched over and over on HBO) was overshadowed by this Blown Away, a 1994 movie about bombs and the IRA starring Jeff Bridges and Tommy Lee Jones. Back then I thought the Coreys and Nicole got shafted by those two old guys who stole the name of their movie.