8.19.2010

Overheard in Anchorage: Shorts Weather Edition*

*I'm a little behind: This is from June, when it was sunny and warm every day.

Overheard In An Office (not mine)
-“I've had that candy in my desk and I've been resisting it for weeks. I think I am sketched out because it is made in China. I think I can taste the lack of safety and environmental regulations and the child labor.”

Modern Love
-Bridal Party Member: "Is she your plus-one for the wedding?"
-Groomsman: "No. She's my it's complicated."

Modern Family
-35ish SWM: "I got into a fight with my mom because she didn't know you could cut-and-paste into an email."

Modern Sports
-"I take ambien and then try to fold my laundry. It’s like some kind of urban olympic event."

Modern Work
-Him: I already work 6 days a week. If I take this other part time job then I won't have time to work on my website or blog, which will bring more traffic to my business.
-Her: Then work seven days. Make the seventh day the day you blog.
-Him: I need to rest at some point, like God--God rested on the seventh day.
-Her: That's because God didn't have the internet. If he did, he'd be blogging on Sundays.

Latin Lovers
-Friend of Hers: "He totally missed his chance to make a move on her. He didn't seize the moment."
-Friend of His: "He carpe didn't."

Overhearing People Who Are Getting Old
-Woman at Breakfast: "I feel like shit today; I feel hungover."
-Her Breakfast Companion: "Did you go out last night?"
-Woman at Breakfast: "No. I just stayed up too late drinking tea and making Powerpoints."
Life is Tougher Up Here
-Woman in Suit 1: "You have to go Outside if you want to get good medical care."
-Woman in Suit 2: "Yeah, it's just like shopping for shoes. There's nothing good here."

Logical
Overheard in the corner of a party: "I just don't like him. I'm sure that if he was my friend I would like him. But we're not friends, so I don't like him."

Oh, Would That Facebook Were
-Someone Too Old To Be On Facebook: “Facebook should have more options than just accept or reject for friend requests. They should have an "are you serious?" or "No, I still haven't forgotten what you did" or “I don't fucking think so.”

-Hipster Boy in Coffee Shop: “It would be cool if when you deleted friends on Facebook you didn't have to see them in real life anymore."
-Hipster Girl in Coffee Shop: "Or if you could just ignore someone and hide the stories from people who are boring and want to tell you things when you run into them."

Overheard in a Bar
-Consoling Friend: "Don’t be like that--that’s nothing but revenge and spite."
-Depressed Guy: "Empires were built on revenge and spite."

Takes One to Know One
-Anti-Hipster #1: "How come t-shirts are the only acceptable clothing to put funny things on? I'm going to start making ironic turtlenecks."
-Anti-Hipster #2: "Dude, that is the most hipstery shit I've ever heard."

SPECIAL BONUS: OVERHEARD IN PRISON (from a friend with a source on the inside)

- "Butter makes good chapstick."

-inmate 1: " You guys wanna do a mad-lib?"
-inmate 2: "A meth lab?"
-inmate 1: "A mad-lib"
-inmate 1: "Gimme a noun."
-inmate 2: "Running!"

- "You ever tried injecting straight alcohol? That shit will FUCK YOU UP!"

- "He works for a Senator? What's that?"

- "I got TBI, PTSD, OCD, AND a 20 year old boyfriend!" (she was 49 -- and NASTY)

- "Just stuff your chicken in your pocket."

- "I called this old dude whose digits was in the phone book. He's coming to pick me up today. My husband AND boyfriend don't trust him. What do you think?"

- Inmate 1: "Vin Diesel's LAME."
- Inmate 2: "He's GAY???"
- Inmate 1: "No! his twin brother is though!"

"I don't know why my daughter won't give [her younger son] corndogs.  I mean, they are easy to chew.  He has, like, 16 teeth." 


"You know somethin'? We lost 52 seconds of day light already from Monday (Solstice). I mean, I thought I noticed, but I wasn't sure, so today I counted. Sure enough--52 seconds!"