-"Living in Alaska is like living in the U.S., but not really--it's like living in different country within another country--like the Vatican."
-"Alaska: You don't just live here, you survive."
-"You know that song "I Am a Man of Constant Sorrow"? I used to think I was a man of constant sorrow. Then I realized I was just a Man of Sorrow Immediately After My Ex-Girlfriend Changes Her Facebook Relationship Status."
-"I can't use Chrome for presentations. Every time I start typing a URL a porn site comes up. I have to use Firefox for presentations. I don't look at porn on Firefox."
-Woman at a Party Who Can't Find Her Friend: "Is he here? Where is he?
-Her Friend: "I heard he is sick?"
-Her Other Friend: "Well, I know he gets pretty stressed out when his DVR goes over 60% full."
Sign Of The Times
-"Everything is made in China now. Everything. Even Russian mail-order brides are made in China."
How to Lose a Girl in 10 Minutes
"We were lying in bed. She said we needed to talk. We started arguing. When she got up to go to the bathroom I grabbed some Ambien."
What are we going to do tonight?
-20-Something girl: "Do you want to go to Platinum Jaxx?"
-20-Something boy: "No. I hate everything spelled with two Xs except for movie ratings."
You Have Problems
-Guy at a Bar: "There are a lot of things in life that I think I would like more if I drank more."
30-Something Hipster-ish Guy: "Let's get to the BBQ early and start drinking."
30-Something Hipster-ish Guy #2: "I don't know. You are like one of the Gremlins from the movie. You know, "don't feed them after midnight or they will turn into horrible monsters." Whenever you start drinking before 5 it always leads to trouble."
-Gentleman Stuck in the 80s: "I only found out about Daylight Savings Time because Alyssa Milano tweeted something about it. In fact, I get most of my news from Alyssa Milano's tweets these days.
-Another Gentleman Stuck in the 80s: "I can't tell if that is sad or awesome."
That's The Whole Point
-Woman at BBQ discussing Crystal Light: "Oh my god! This could be just like lemonade if we added a lot of sugar to it!"
-"I love watching people have meltdowns on Facebook. Like this guy I only sort-of knew a few years ago. He never posted anything. Then he went from being "in a relationship" to "single." Then he started posting sad haikus and video clips for love songs every day. It's a terrible train wreck, but I can't look away."
-Wingman: "What about that girl? The one who did the big painting. You should ask her out."
-Eligible Bachelor: "She would never go out with me. She probably only dates *artists*. I don't even have any pants that are speckled with paint, let alone ones that are splattered with paint."
Two early-20's women are sharing a meal. They are discussing how they can't finish breaking up with their boyfriends because they don't know anyone else who can fix cars:
-Girl #1: "I feel like every time I break up with him, something goes wrong with my car the next day. The next day!"
Girl #2: "I know. Like, a few weeks ago my car broke down in Seward, and you know that Jed has the same key as I do, but I don't wanna call him."
Girl #1: "Bur your friends were like, "Come on, call Jed! Trade him a BJ for a new radiator."
Girl #2: "I know, right?"
Things You Only Hear At An Airport In AK
-"I was just seal sniffing with my dog up in Kotz."
I Don't Even Know What Those Are
-"No one loves partial fractions. Partial fractions suck all the way around."
Oh, Would That It Were
-"I was supposed to get a lot done today, but it's just not happening for me. I wish I could take something like Viagra for work."
We All Have Standards
-Woman At Cafe Having Lunch With Her Friend: "What are you talking about? You look great. You're wearing a belt, cute shoes, and a leather jacket--that's a good look for anything. I feel frumpy. I'm just wearing jeans and a sweatshirt. But I'm polite and I don't spit in public, so that makes me feel more decent."