5.29.2011

Overheard in Anchorage: Special Memorial Day Edition

Where We At
-"Living in Alaska is like living in the U.S., but not really--it's like living in different country within another country--like the Vatican."

-"Alaska: You don't just live here, you survive."

Relationship Status
-"You know that song "I Am a Man of Constant Sorrow"? I used to think I was a man of constant sorrow. Then I realized I was just a Man of Sorrow Immediately After My Ex-Girlfriend Changes Her Facebook Relationship Status."

Tech Trouble
-"I can't use Chrome for presentations. Every time I start typing a URL a porn site comes up. I have to use Firefox for presentations. I don't look at porn on Firefox."

-Woman at a Party Who Can't Find Her Friend: "Is he here? Where is he?
-Her Friend:  "I heard he is sick?"
-Her Other Friend: "Well, I know he gets pretty stressed out when his DVR goes over 60% full."

Sign Of The Times
-"Everything is made in China now. Everything. Even Russian mail-order brides are made in China."

How to Lose a Girl in 10 Minutes
"We were lying in bed. She said we needed to talk. We started arguing. When she got up to go to the bathroom I grabbed some Ambien."

What are we going to do tonight?
-20-Something girl: "Do you want to go to Platinum Jaxx?"
-20-Something boy: "No. I hate everything spelled with two Xs except for movie ratings."

You Have Problems
-Guy at a Bar: "There are a lot of things in life that I think I would like more if I drank more."

30-Something Hipster-ish Guy: "Let's get to the BBQ early and start drinking."
30-Something Hipster-ish Guy #2: "I don't know. You are like one of the Gremlins from the movie. You know, "don't feed them after midnight or they will turn into horrible monsters." Whenever you start drinking before 5 it always leads to trouble."

-Gentleman Stuck in the 80s: "I only found out about Daylight Savings Time because Alyssa Milano tweeted something about it. In fact, I get most of my news from Alyssa Milano's tweets these days. 
-Another Gentleman Stuck in the 80s: "I can't tell if that is sad or awesome."

That's The Whole Point
-Woman at BBQ discussing Crystal Light: "Oh my god! This could be just like lemonade if we added a lot of sugar to it!"

Love Stinks
-"I love watching people have meltdowns on Facebook. Like this guy I only sort-of knew a few years ago. He never posted anything. Then he went from being "in a relationship" to "single." Then he started posting sad haikus and video clips for love songs every day. It's a terrible train wreck, but I can't look away."

-Wingman: "What about that girl? The one who did the big painting. You should ask her out."
-Eligible Bachelor: "She would never go out with me. She probably only dates *artists*. I don't even have any pants that are speckled with paint, let alone ones that are splattered with paint."

Two early-20's women are sharing a meal. They are discussing how they can't finish breaking up with their boyfriends because they don't know anyone else who can fix cars:
-Girl #1: "I feel like every time I break up with him, something goes wrong with my car the next day. The next day!"
Girl #2: "I know. Like, a few weeks ago my car broke down in Seward, and you know that Jed has the same key as I do, but I don't wanna call him."
Girl #1: "Bur your friends were like, "Come on, call Jed! Trade him a BJ for a new radiator."
Girl #2: "I know, right?"

Things You Only Hear At An Airport In AK
-"I was just seal sniffing with my dog up in Kotz."

I Don't Even Know What Those Are
-"No one loves partial fractions. Partial fractions suck all the way around."

Oh, Would That It Were
-"I was supposed to get a lot done today, but it's just not happening for me. I wish I could take something like Viagra for work."

We All Have Standards
-Woman At Cafe Having Lunch With Her Friend: "What are you talking about? You look great. You're wearing a belt, cute shoes, and a leather jacket--that's a good look for anything. I feel frumpy. I'm just wearing jeans and a sweatshirt. But I'm polite and I don't spit in public, so that makes me feel more decent."

3.06.2011

Overheard in Anchorage: Surviving The Winter Edition

Yes, it took me five eight months to collect all of these.

Catch-22 (pounds)
-“I don’t want to be fat anymore, but I also really want a pizza right now.”

-“The camera adds 10 pounds. The Internet adds 20.”

-“Snickers are actually good for you; they have peanuts in them.”

-“I’m never eating oatmeal cookies again. Every time I eat one I feel like I was cheated out of a dessert.”

-Aspiring Runner #1: “I want to go running, but I can't run in these shoes. Can we go later?”
-Aspiring Runner #2: “No. You can't run in those shoes? I can’t run in this body.”

Overheard on a College Campus
-“I’m better at arguing with people who aren't as smart as I am.”

-“Do people in Latin America come from Latin? Where is Latin anyway?”

-Computer Science Student: “I can't go to that party. I like to hang out with my cat at 4 am."

-“You can't make up for not enough information about one subject with too much information about another. That's not how the world works.”

Modern Love
-“I think the ‘When I was your age I had to use a VCR with no remote control to watch porn, and even then I could only watch when my parents weren't home’ line is the modern equivalent of ‘I had to walk 12 miles to school, in the snow, uphill, with no shoes.'"

-“I like that women with kids or husbands put pictures of their kids or husbands with them in their Facebook profile picture. Makes it easy to figure out if you want to be friends with them or not. And it’s easier than looking for a wedding ring.”

-Dude #1: “I dated a lesbian once. It didn't work out.”
-Dude #2: “No shit.”

-“I've never heard a Russian mail order bride story that ended well.”

-“For a woman that's coming out of a shitty divorce, I'm a great catch.”

-Older Male Co-worker to Younger Female Co-worker: “You were supposed to introduce me to your hot young girlfriends. Instead you are just sleeping with my old friends. This is not the arrangement I had in mind.”

-“Text messaging is the number one way to miscommunicate with your significant other.”

Economics Lesson
-Former Intern: “Involuntary servitude is illegal under the 13th Amendment, indentured servitude isn't.”
-Aspiring Intern: “Is that why internships are legal?”

You May Watch Too Much TV
-Researcher: “We have all of these data sets on the server--all full of information--but no one has gone through it all; no one knows what's in it.”
-Non-Researcher: “Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. I've been watching a lot of reality tv shows about people who buy abandoned storage units. They don’t know what they’re going to find in there either.”

-Conspiracy Theorist: "Did you hear about how china is hoarding precious metals that are needed for telecommnications devices? It could make them very powerful and ruin us."
-Overgrown Adolescent: "Did you say China or COBRA? Because that's the kind of thing that COBRA would do, and in fact I think they tried that at least once."

-Female DWTS* Viewer: "I'm hoping Hoff, Bristol and the Sitch go all the way."
-Male DWTS Viewer: "Do you realize what you just said?
-Female DWTS Viewer: "I just threw up in my mouth a little."
-Male DWTS Viewer: “I didn't. I’d like to see that.”

*Dancing With The Stars

-"Is this reality tv or real tv?"

Alaska: Where we never miss a chance to party like it's 1992.
-“Are you going to the G-Love concert?”

Why You Shouldn't Let Your Co-Worker Get Your Coffee
-“I don't trust him to not over cream it."

If Only It Really Worked This Way
-Hipster Boy in Coffee Shop: “I just lost the internet signal.”
-Hipster Girl in Coffee Shop: “That's because you were searching for J-Lo lyrics. The internet cut you off.”