Situational Ethics

Overheard in Anchorage: Special Memorial Day Edition

2011-05-29T08:00:00.016-08:00

Where We At
-"Living in Alaska is like living in the U.S., but not really--it's like living in different country within another country--like the Vatican."

-"Alaska: You don't just live here, you survive."

Relationship Status
-"You know that song "I Am a Man of Constant Sorrow"? I used to think I was a man of constant sorrow. Then I realized I was just a Man of Sorrow Immediately After My Ex-Girlfriend Changes Her Facebook Relationship Status."

Tech Trouble
-"I can't use Chrome for presentations. Every time I start typing a URL a porn site comes up. I have to use Firefox for presentations. I don't look at porn on Firefox."

-Woman at a Party Who Can't Find Her Friend: "Is he here? Where is he?
-Her Friend: "I heard he is sick?"
-Her Other Friend: "Well, I know he gets pretty stressed out when his DVR goes over 60% full."

Sign Of The Times
-"Everything is made in China now. Everything. Even Russian mail-order brides are made in China."

How to Lose a Girl in 10 Minutes
"We were lying in bed. She said we needed to talk. We started arguing. When she got up to go to the bathroom I grabbed some Ambien."

What are we going to do tonight?
-20-Something girl: "Do you want to go to Platinum Jaxx?"
-20-Something boy: "No. I hate everything spelled with two Xs except for movie ratings."

You Have Problems
-Guy at a Bar: "There are a lot of things in life that I think I would like more if I drank more."

30-Something Hipster-ish Guy: "Let's get to the BBQ early and start drinking."
30-Something Hipster-ish Guy #2: "I don't know. You are like one of the Gremlins from the movie. You know, "don't feed them after midnight or they will turn into horrible monsters." Whenever you start drinking before 5 it always leads to trouble."

-Gentleman Stuck in the 80s: "I only found out about Daylight Savings Time because Alyssa Milano tweeted something about it. In fact, I get most of my news from Alyssa Milano's tweets these days.

-Another Gentleman Stuck in the 80s: "I can't tell if that is sad or awesome."

That's The Whole Point
-Woman at BBQ discussing Crystal Light: "Oh my god! This could be just like lemonade if we added a lot of sugar to it!"

Love Stinks
-"I love watching people have meltdowns on Facebook. Like this guy I only sort-of knew a few years ago. He never posted anything. Then he went from being "in a relationship" to "single." Then he started posting sad haikus and video clips for love songs every day. It's a terrible train wreck, but I can't look away."

-Wingman: "What about that girl? The one who did the big painting. You should ask her out."
-Eligible Bachelor: "She would never go out with me. She probably only dates *artists*. I don't even have any pants that are speckled with paint, let alone ones that are splattered with paint."

Two early-20's women are sharing a meal. They are discussing how they can't finish breaking up with their boyfriends because they don't know anyone else who can fix cars:
-Girl #1: "I feel like every time I break up with him, something goes wrong with my car the next day. The next day!"
Girl #2: "I know. Like, a few weeks ago my car broke down in Seward, and you know that Jed has the same key as I do, but I don't wanna call him."
Girl #1: "Bur your friends were like, "Come on, call Jed! Trade him a BJ for a new radiator."
Girl #2: "I know, right?"

Things You Only Hear At An Airport In AK
-"I was just seal sniffing with my dog up in Kotz."

I Don't Even Know What Those Are
-"No one loves partial fractions. Partial fractions suck all the way around."

Oh, Would That It Were
-"I was supposed to get a lot done today, but it's just not happening for me. I wish I could take something like Viagra for work."

We All Have Standards
-Woman At Cafe Having Lunch With Her Friend: "What are you talking about? You look great. You're wearing a belt, cute shoes, and a leather jacket--that's a good look for anything. I feel frumpy. I'm just wearing jeans and a sweatshirt. But I'm polite and I don't spit in public, so that makes me feel more decent."

Overheard in Anchorage: Surviving The Winter Edition

2011-03-06T08:39:00.003-09:00

Yes, it took me ~~five~~ eight months to collect all of these.

Catch-22 (pounds)
-“I don’t want to be fat anymore, but I also really want a pizza right now.”

-“The camera adds 10 pounds. The Internet adds 20.”

-“Snickers are actually good for you; they have peanuts in them.”

-“I’m never eating oatmeal cookies again. Every time I eat one I feel like I was cheated out of a dessert.”

-Aspiring Runner #1: “I want to go running, but I can't run in these shoes. Can we go later?”
-Aspiring Runner #2: “No. You can't run in those shoes? I can’t run in this body.”

Overheard on a College Campus
-“I’m better at arguing with people who aren't as smart as I am.”

-“Do people in Latin America come from Latin? Where is Latin anyway?”

-Computer Science Student: “I can't go to that party. I like to hang out with my cat at 4 am."

-“You can't make up for not enough information about one subject with too much information about another. That's not how the world works.”

Modern Love
-“I think the ‘When I was your age I had to use a VCR with no remote control to watch porn, and even then I could only watch when my parents weren't home’ line is the modern equivalent of ‘I had to walk 12 miles to school, in the snow, uphill, with no shoes.'"

-“I like that women with kids or husbands put pictures of their kids or husbands with them in their Facebook profile picture. Makes it easy to figure out if you want to be friends with them or not. And it’s easier than looking for a wedding ring.”

-Dude #1: “I dated a lesbian once. It didn't work out.”
-Dude #2: “No shit.”

-“I've never heard a Russian mail order bride story that ended well.”

-“For a woman that's coming out of a shitty divorce, I'm a great catch.”

-Older Male Co-worker to Younger Female Co-worker: “You were supposed to introduce me to your hot young girlfriends. Instead you are just sleeping with my old friends. This is not the arrangement I had in mind.”

-“Text messaging is the number one way to miscommunicate with your significant other.”

Economics Lesson
-Former Intern: “Involuntary servitude is illegal under the 13th Amendment, indentured servitude isn't.”
-Aspiring Intern: “Is that why internships are legal?”

You May Watch Too Much TV
-Researcher: “We have all of these data sets on the server--all full of information--but no one has gone through it all; no one knows what's in it.”
-Non-Researcher: “Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. I've been watching a lot of reality tv shows about people who buy abandoned storage units. They don’t know what they’re going to find in there either.”

-Conspiracy Theorist: "Did you hear about how china is hoarding precious metals that are needed for telecommnications devices? It could make them very powerful and ruin us."
-Overgrown Adolescent: "Did you say China or COBRA? Because that's the kind of thing that COBRA would do, and in fact I think they tried that at least once."

-Female DWTS* Viewer: "I'm hoping Hoff, Bristol and the Sitch go all the way."
-Male DWTS Viewer: "Do you realize what you just said?
-Female DWTS Viewer: "I just threw up in my mouth a little."
-Male DWTS Viewer: “I didn't. I’d like to see that.”

*Dancing With The Stars

-"Is this reality tv or real tv?"

Alaska: Where we never miss a chance to party like it's 1992.
-“Are you going to the G-Love concert?”

Why You Shouldn't Let Your Co-Worker Get Your Coffee
-“I don't trust him to not over cream it."

If Only It Really Worked This Way
-Hipster Boy in Coffee Shop: “I just lost the internet signal.”
-Hipster Girl in Coffee Shop: “That's because you were searching for J-Lo lyrics. The internet cut you off.”

In Sort-Of Defense of Christine O'Donnell (A Special One-Time-Only Event)

2010-10-20T00:15:00.047-08:00

I’m no fan of Christine O’Donnell (the Tea Party sweetheart, anti-masturbation crusader,Republican nominee for the U.S. Senate from Delaware, not to mention the recipient of some damn fine auto-tuning--more on that later). But I come to her defense because I think she is being unfairly lambasted for not knowing anything about the First Amendment. During a debate with her opponent she made some comments that would appear on their face as if she did not know that the separation of church and state was rooted in the Establishment Clause of the First Amendment. This is what was said (you can watch video here, starting at the 2:37 mark):

"Where in the Constitution is separation of church and state?" O'Donnell asked. Upon hearing her words, the audience in the room burst into laughter.

"I also think you just heard, in the answers from my opponent, and in her attempt at saying 'where is the separation of church and state in the constitution' reveals her fundamental misunderstanding of what our Constitution is, how it is amended and how it evolved. The First Amendment establishes the separation, the fact that the federal government shall not establish any religion, and decisional law by the Supreme Court over many, many decades --"

O' Donnell then interrupted. "The First Amendment does?" she asked, skeptically.

Coons continued his explanation, and O'Donnell interrupted again. "So you're telling me that the separation of church and state is found in the First Amendment?"

Coons went on to cite cases the Supreme Court had decided that backed up the position of a wall between church and state.

"Let me just clarify," O'Donnell pressed. "You're telling me that the separation of church and state is found in the First Amendment?"

"The government shall make no establishment of religion," Coons said, summarizing the gist of the specific words in the First Amendment's establishment clause.

"That's in the First Amendment?" O'Donnell asked again, eliciting further laughter from the room.

I think it is pretty clear that what O’Donnell was getting at was that the words “separation of church and state” themselves do not literally appear in the First Amendment. But she didn't do a very good job of articulating that point. Instead, her comments, coupled with her stated lack of knowledge about the 14th Amendment (which provides due process and establishes that everyone born in the United States is a citizen; go to the 2:13 mark here) make her sound nothing like the semi-constitutional scholar that she purports to be (she claims to have a "graduate fellowship from the Claremont Institute in Constitutional Government." Whatever that means.)

On the narrow topic of the separation of church and state, Ms. O'Donnell is correct: those words do not appear in the Constitution. The First Amendment provides, in relevant part:

"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof."

But that does not mean that the concept of the separation of church and state does not live in the First Amendment. It certainly does; that sentence limits the government's ability to become excessively involved in religious matters.

While the Constitution may not specifically mention the term "separation of church and state," the United States Supreme Court has repeatedly relied on historical examples of religious persecution and intolerance toward minority religions to support the separation of church and state perspective. In fact, in the 1947 case Everson vs. Board of Education of Ewing Township, the Court specifically referred to a "wall of separation between church and state. That wall must be kept high and impregnable. We could not approve the slightest breach.” The metaphor itself was first used by Thomas Jefferson over 200 years ago.

O’Donnell does not capitulate to the fact that the Establishment Clause = separation of church and state. And that her opponent did not clarify that the exact phrasing “separation of church and state” was not in the Constitution will, I’m sure, be used against him. In the meantime, Christine O’Donnell may not be a constitutional scholar (duh), but she isn’t the joke that everyone is making her out to be, at least with respect to this issue. But this matter raises a larger issue: saying you are an expert or an authority on something does not make it so. We have to look beyond the literal words and ask what they mean. If Christine O'Donnell says she is a constitutional expert, she must be taken to task on that. Then if she doesn't know what the 14th Amendment does, that should be broadcast loud and clear and she must own up to it. Anything less is dishonest.

Other Tea Party candidates like Joe Miller make a lot of noise about a literal interpretation of the Constitution, making the separation of church and state argument, railing against the right to privacy (code for saying the Constitution does not protect reproductive choice), claiming that almost any government action not specifically laid out in the Constitution is unconstitutional. But critics like Miller pick and choose their spots. The Constitution does not mention the Internet, but I doubt Mr. Miller would claim that the right to free speech does not exist in this medium. Or would he?

To some, the Constitution may appear to be just a bunch of words on a piece of paper that can be disregarded as the political winds shift. Or re-interpreted to pursue an agenda. But the Constitution is really a pact--a social contract between the government and the governed. Interpretation of its terms and amendments to its provisions are not undertaken lightly. So when people disregard years of judicial interpretation and talk in sound bites about how the phrase "separation of church and state" is not in the First Amendment and therefore it should be okay to teach biblical creationism alongside evolutionary science in public schools, it offends me.

The value of the Constitution is derived from the meaning and respect we give to the very specific words chosen to create it. And we now have 200+ years of judicial interpretation to guide us and to tell us what those words mean. What the Tea Party is advocating is a crabbed interpretation and a disregard for constitutional history. But they can get away with this because they cloak themselves in words and images that evoke the American Revolution and a return to fundamental ideals. Beyond that, there is little substance to their message. Unlike this awesome Autotuned version of one of Christine O'Donnell's campaign ads:

Brief Interviews With Clueless People

2010-09-05T23:19:00.002-08:00

NewLeftMedia did some interviews at the Glenn Beck revival rally in DC last week. Never has such a collection of the uninformed and clueless gathered in one place to spew such ignorant drivel.

Overheard in Anchorage: Shorts Weather Edition*

2010-08-19T23:38:00.007-08:00

*I'm a little behind: This is from June, when it was sunny and warm every day.

Overheard In An Office (not mine)
-“I've had that candy in my desk and I've been resisting it for weeks. I think I am sketched out because it is made in China. I think I can taste the lack of safety and environmental regulations and the child labor.”

Modern Love
-Bridal Party Member: "Is she your plus-one for the wedding?"
-Groomsman: "No. She's my it's complicated."

Modern Family
-35ish SWM: "I got into a fight with my mom because she didn't know you could cut-and-paste into an email."

Modern Sports
-"I take ambien and then try to fold my laundry. It’s like some kind of urban olympic event."

Modern Work
-Him: I already work 6 days a week. If I take this other part time job then I won't have time to work on my website or blog, which will bring more traffic to my business.
-Her: Then work seven days. Make the seventh day the day you blog.
-Him: I need to rest at some point, like God--God rested on the seventh day.
-Her: That's because God didn't have the internet. If he did, he'd be blogging on Sundays.

Latin Lovers
-Friend of Hers: "He totally missed his chance to make a move on her. He didn't seize the moment."
-Friend of His: "He carpe didn't."

Overhearing People Who Are Getting Old
-Woman at Breakfast: "I feel like shit today; I feel hungover."
-Her Breakfast Companion: "Did you go out last night?"
-Woman at Breakfast: "No. I just stayed up too late drinking tea and making Powerpoints."

Life is Tougher Up Here
-Woman in Suit 1: "You have to go Outside if you want to get good medical care."
-Woman in Suit 2: "Yeah, it's just like shopping for shoes. There's nothing good here."

Logical
Overheard in the corner of a party: "I just don't like him. I'm sure that if he was my friend I would like him. But we're not friends, so I don't like him."

Oh, Would That Facebook Were
-Someone Too Old To Be On Facebook: “Facebook should have more options than just accept or reject for friend requests. They should have an "are you serious?" or "No, I still haven't forgotten what you did" or “I don't fucking think so.”

-Hipster Boy in Coffee Shop: “It would be cool if when you deleted friends on Facebook you didn't have to see them in real life anymore."
-Hipster Girl in Coffee Shop: "Or if you could just ignore someone and hide the stories from people who are boring and want to tell you things when you run into them."

Overheard in a Bar
-Consoling Friend: "Don’t be like that--that’s nothing but revenge and spite."
-Depressed Guy: "Empires were built on revenge and spite."

Takes One to Know One
-Anti-Hipster #1: "How come t-shirts are the only acceptable clothing to put funny things on? I'm going to start making ironic turtlenecks."
-Anti-Hipster #2: "Dude, that is the most hipstery shit I've ever heard."

SPECIAL BONUS: OVERHEARD IN PRISON (from a friend with a source on the inside)

- "Butter makes good chapstick."

-inmate 1: " You guys wanna do a mad-lib?"
-inmate 2: "A meth lab?"
-inmate 1: "A mad-lib"
-inmate 1: "Gimme a noun."
-inmate 2: "Running!"

- "You ever tried injecting straight alcohol? That shit will FUCK YOU UP!"

- "He works for a Senator? What's that?"

- "I got TBI, PTSD, OCD, AND a 20 year old boyfriend!" (she was 49 -- and NASTY)

- "Just stuff your chicken in your pocket."

- "I called this old dude whose digits was in the phone book. He's coming to pick me up today. My husband AND boyfriend don't trust him. What do you think?"

- Inmate 1: "Vin Diesel's LAME."
- Inmate 2: "He's GAY???"
- Inmate 1: "No! his twin brother is though!"

"I don't know why my daughter won't give [her younger son] corndogs. I mean, they are easy to chew. He has, like, 16 teeth."

"You know somethin'? We lost 52 seconds of day light already from Monday (Solstice). I mean, I thought I noticed, but I wasn't sure, so today I counted. Sure enough--52 seconds!"

Sights Set On Higher Education

2010-04-28T11:45:00.001-08:00

A few days ago I received an odd e-mail that was sent to the UAA community at large:

You may have heard that at the recent Board of Regents' meeting, an individual spoke against the University's policy regulating firearms. The individual suggested people will protest the policy by carrying firearms on campus in the near future. The intent of this e-mail is to share information with you about what to do should you see someone on University property with a firearm.

The University of Alaska has regulated the possession of firearms on University property since 1995. Except for students living in University housing or individuals storing firearms in a locked vehicle, University Regulations (Chapter 02.09) prohibit individuals from carrying a firearm on University property, or in offices, classrooms, or meeting space controlled by the university. Students living on campus may store firearms in University-owned secured storage maintained by University Police. Incidents of unauthorized firearms possession on property have been rare.

Really? Someone has a problem with the no guns on campus policy? Are things really that dangerous? Is the dining hall food that bad that people need to be able to hunt for lunch on campus?

Today we received notice that the protest is imminent:

Please be advised that UAA students as well as individuals not affiliated with UAA plan to gather in the Cuddy Quad this morning to peacefully protest the University of Alaska Board of Regents’ policy and University Regulation prohibiting the carrying of firearms on University of Alaska campuses. Individuals may decide to carry a firearm in violation of our policies and regulations. The University Police Department (UPD) and Campus Response Team are monitoring the situation and will respond appropriately to ensure that the demonstration is minimally disruptive.

If you see an individual—or a group of individuals—with firearms, or any other weapon on campus, please alert UPD immediately by calling 786-1120. If you feel unsafe, please contact UPD.

So, thanks, Second Amendment Task Force, for taking the time to tackle serious issues like whether students should be able to bring assault rifles to class and distracting the campus from silly little things like final examinations and concern for grades.

Update: (1) Apologies to the Second Amendment Task Force, who don't seem to be involved with this protest. Rather, it was a concerned student (who gets activist points from me, however misguided his activism is). (2) The rally was attended by four protesters and twenty journalists and echoed the tone of all of the recent Tea Party action: other than the Second Amendment rhetoric, there was a lot of discussion about "constitutional rights being taken away," but no concrete examples of the specific rights at issue or how said rights are being infringed.

Strangest Cross-Promotion Ever?

2010-04-24T13:48:00.001-08:00

On the heels of announcing the revolutionary breadless fried chicken and bacon sandwich (in which two pieces of fried chicken replace the bread, and which is surprisingly (and shamefully) healthier than some fast food salads), KFC née Kentucky Fried Chicken has announced Buckets for the Cure, a promotion whereby 50 cents from the purchase of each special pink bucket of fried chicken will be donated to help fight breast cancer.

There seems to be something inconsistent about encouraging people to go out and eat lots of fried chicken in order to help prevent breast cancer. I don't think there is any definitive link between breast cancer and fried chicken (breast jokes purposely omitted), but I'm fairly certain that eating lots of fried chicken can't possibly help the overall cancer rate in our country, nor is it going to do anything positive about our national tubbiness. But kudos to KFC for trying to do something positive and if you are going to go out and eat a bucket of fried chicken, this gives you more reason to go to KFC than one of its competitors. Ball's in your court, Popeye's.

Go F*ck Yourself, Fox News: Stewart at his best

2010-04-22T22:10:00.000-08:00

The best 12 minutes you'll have all day:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

Bernie Goldberg Fires Back

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show Full Episodes

Political Humor

Tea Party

Best (Only?) Politics/Knicks Analogy Ever

2010-03-30T00:17:00.000-08:00

"George W. Bush is to Barack Obama as Isiah Thomas is to Donnie Walsh."

Thank Dan Klores for that one. And check out his documentary on the mid-90's Knicks/Reggie Miller/Spike Lee rivalry. It's awesome.

Overheard in Anchorage: Early Spring 2010 Edition

2010-03-18T22:16:00.001-08:00

Two Dudes Talking in a Bar

-"She’s really hot, but I don’t miss her. Just dating someone who is hot isn’t enough for me anymore. Why do I need more than that all of a sudden?"

-"Because you’re not on the cast of Jersey Shore."

Two Chicks Talking in a Bar
-"Did I tell you I know someone who dated Derek Jeter?"
-"You know Mariah Carey?"

Sign of the Times

-Teen #1: "I’m not buying that cell phone--it can’t do anything, it’s just a phone."

-Teen #2: "Why would anyone want a phone that’s just a phone?"

Overheard at an Office-Warming Party

-Hipster Guy: "My band is making a video. It’s on our website now. We were trying to do it MTV-style, but, you know, a little better and more refined."

-Non-hipster Guy: "You mean like VH1?"

Only in Alaska: Overheard on a Dog Walk

-"Watch out, there’s a moose in the rose garden."

The Iron Horse

-Typical Anchorage Guy #1: "When was the last time you missed a First Tap at the Bear Tooth?"

-Typical Anchorage Guy #2: "It’s been a while."

-Typical Anchorage Guy #1: "You’re like the Lou Gehrig of First Tap."

Overheard in a Hallway at UAA

-Woman on cell phone: “The reason why cursive is awesome is that it's a faster way to write words.”

Two Other Dudes Talking at a Bar

-"There's an at sign [@] in this text I just got! How do you do that?! I have to press like option, shift, and go through 4 menus to get to the symbols on my phone!"

-"That's because your phone is so old. You have a rotary cell phone."

Catching Up

-"How was your weekend?"

-"I don’t know. Talkeetna is like Vegas. I never remember what happens there."

Hanging Out With Too Many Lawyers

-"Did you hear about that ridiculous defense her attorney tried to use?"

-"Yeah, I knew all about it. I saw it on Law and Order once. You can’t let a little thing like jurisdiction get in the way of a good courtroom drama."

Overheard during the Opening Ceremonies of the Olympics

-"Who is that, the Prime Minister of Canada?"

-"No that's Wayne Gretzky."

-"He’s not the Prime Minister?"

Matchmaker

-Short Woman at Coffee Shop: "Would your friend be interested in a short-haired girl who used to be into women but now thinks she is into men?"

-Tall Man at Coffee Shop: "Is he her type?"

-Short Woman at Coffee Shop: "I don't know, her type is women."

Overheard Political Discussion

-Bald Guy With Giant Sideburns: "I would have voted for 2000 John McCain, or JM2K as I like to call him."

Silver Lining

-"At least your cyberstalking is paying off by bringing you closer to people."

How to Get Away With It
-"I purge my texts constantly. I've been doing that for a long time. Even before Tiger Woods."

Not Overheard, But Said Directly to Me by Someone Who Really Wants to Be In One of These

-Emma: "I’m done with the ACLU. I’m going to rely on someone else to protect my civil liberties. Like me and my gun."

Take That, Creationism!

2010-03-15T22:55:00.001-08:00

I had my wisdom teeth removed last week. Yes, for the past 15 years or so I have been wandering around with extra teeth in my mouth.

Also, I'm kind of hairy. Why do I mention this? Because I just settled the debate: my extra teeth + my back hair = pretty concrete proof of evolution.

My Alaska, Too

2010-03-14T10:56:00.002-08:00

Several years ago I finished second in the Anchorage Press's haiku contest for best haiku about the PFD. (For those of you that live in America, that's the Alaska Permanent Fund Dividend. More commonly known as the program by which the State pays people for living in Alaska--though as my friend Malcolm can attest, it's way more complicated than that.) This was the haiku:

Plasma Screen TV
Brand New Refrigerator
Glad We Have Eight Kids

A few weeks ago an artist from Philadelphia contacted me. He wanted permission to use my haiku as part of a display he was installing at an office building in Alaska. The installation included revolving digital images of life in Alaska and text from locals and tourists (I'm a local now). More info on the display, called My Alaska, Too, is on the artist's website. I haven't been to see it in person yet, but it looks pretty cool. My haiku is circled, er, squared, in the picture below.

Rule 11

2010-03-14T10:44:00.003-08:00

Lindsay Lohan is suing E-Trade over a commercial featuring a baby "milkaholic" named Lindsay.

This is probably the most baseless lawsuit I have ever heard of. Some other competent attorneys agree. Lohan's lawyer should be sanctioned. And not just because she still uses AOL. Seriously, there are a lot of bad lawyers out there. Some clues that yours might not be the best: she's still using AOL and has shitty clip art on her website. And she files baseless lawsuits that provide legitimate reasons for people to hate lawyers.

One Corey

2010-03-13T23:35:00.015-09:00

Thoughts on the passing of Corey Haim:

License to Drive was an awesome movie. But in retrospect, it seems odd that a huge part of the story involved driving to a remote roughneck burger joint.
I watched Dream A Little Dream many times; it confused the hell out of me. Still does. And it had a great soundtrack. I had it on cassette. This movie was also notable because it came out during the height of Corey Feldman's Michael Jackson obsession, which was really weird but didn't seem so at the time. He does a whole MJ dance sequence in the movie while dressed exactly like early 90s Michael. Oddly, in the movie, no one gave his character shit for going to high school every day dressed like Michael Jackson. No one noticed. Totally unrealistic. In my school, he would have been the Michael Jackson Guy. As I was in 4th grade when I wore my brand new Michael Jackson Thriller jacket on the first day at my new school. I'm still scarred from the teasing. Oh, and my mom got on the bus with me to try to help. More on that saga another time.
I remember being bummed that the Coreys' Blown Away (a 1992 "erotic thriller" with a very naked and slutty Nicole Eggert at the height of her hotness that I watched over and over on HBO) was overshadowed by this Blown Away, a 1994 movie about bombs and the IRA starring Jeff Bridges and Tommy Lee Jones. Back then I thought the Coreys and Nicole got shafted by those two old guys who stole the name of their movie.

It's About Time

2010-02-09T07:26:00.003-09:00

They have finally redesigned ketchup packets. Took long enough. Introducing the Heinz Dip & Squeeze (though, technically it should be the Dip &/or Squeeze).

In other news, you can finally buy a space shuttle! Just $28 mil. I want one. I'm not too concerned about the cost, I'm more worried about where I would put it.

Quick Hits

2010-02-08T07:11:00.001-09:00

Taking a cue from McGeez, these are things I would be blogging about if I were a better blogger:

The Palins: They are the gift that keeps on giving; they are endlessly entertaining. Kind of like the Osbornes during the first season of their relaity show, before they got annoying and scary. Here's what's happened in just the past few days:

It was revealed that the Palins have consistently failed to pay property taxes on their family cabin.
MSNBC finally received a response to the FOIA request they filed seeking Todd Palin's emails. There are over 3,000 pages of documents (awesome comprehensive searchable database here). MSNBC's conclusion (via The Ear): The e-mails "draw a picture of a Palin administration where the governor's husband got involved in a judicial appointment, monitored contract negotiations with public employee unions, received background checks on a corporate CEO, added his approval or disapproval to state board appointments and passed financial information marked 'confidential' from his oil company employer to a state attorney."
Sarah writes notes on her hands to prep for prominent speeches.

The New York ~~Mess~~ Mets: The Mets are almost as much of a soap opera as the Palins at this point. Case in point: Last summer a team executive, Tony Bernazard, took off his shirt in the locker room and and threatened to fight a bunch of minor leaguers. Then General Manager Omar Minaya accused the writer who broke the story of only writing it because he was after Bernazard's job. That season ended with 92 losses. This offseason hasn't been much better. Sure, the Mets signed slugging free agent outfielder Jason Bay, but there is concern that his contract may become an albatross. Tim Marchman's reaction to the Bay signing was probably a little over the top...but just a little. The San Francisco Chronicle had a more realistic take. From an article discussing the Giants' signing of Mark DeRosa: "In other words, he [DeRosa] isn't Jason Bay, and he isn't going to be. In fact, now that he's a Met, Jason Bay isn't going to be Jason Bay, either." Sigh.

The Bay signing should have been the highlight of the offseason. A nice piece to build around. Instead, we will all remember the public airing of grievances over all-star centerfielder Carlos Beltran's knee surgery. It wasn't bad enough that he needed emergency surgery. No, because this is the Mets, it had to get all dramatic with the Mets accusing Beltran of having surgery without the team's permission and Beltran saying he personally received the go-ahead from Minaya directly. He said/he said. Such drama.

Pitchers and catchers report in less than two weeks and the Mets still don't have a starting catcher or a legit first baseman, no legitimate reliable starting pitchers after Johan Santana, and are still stuck with a second baseman they hate and can't seem to trade. On top of that, the team's official day-by-day calendar contains pointed reminders of some of the worst moments in team history. Thanks. Such is the life of a Mets fan.

The Jersey Shore: Let's just say that every time I hear the word "situation" I start giggling. It's a problem. Especially in meetings with serious adults who don't know anything about Snooki, Ron Ron Juice, or J-Woww.

Jon Stewart on O'Reilly: Love Jon Stewart. Love love love him. The best part of this interview is when he tells O'Reilly that he has "become the voice of sanity at Fox News, which is like being the thinnest kid at fat camp." O'Reilly also kind of bashes Glen Beck without realizing it. Good stuff all around.

Rare Ink

2010-02-07T21:01:00.001-09:00

There are lots of unique folks up here in the AK. But perhaps none more so than Diana Tillion. Known mostly for her pioneering use of octopus ink in her paintings, she was also a writer, teacher, and an active community leader. She died a few days ago. You should read the ADN article about her. As a friend of mine put it, "That might be the best obituary I ever read."

I met her once in 2007 on a trip to Homer. I wrote about that trip and included a snippet of our conversation:

Diana: I'm surprised the art community hasn't embraced octopus ink more; I wish more artists would use it.
Me: Is it expensive?
Diana: Yes.
Me: Is it hard to get?
Diana: Yes.
Me: (Thinking, "That explains it.") Um...
Diana: But you don't even have to kill the octopus. You can remove the ink with a hypodermic needle.
Me: Do you catch them yourself?
Diana: Yes.
Me: Are they hard to catch?
Diana: Yes.
Me: Is it hard to extract the ink?
Diana: Yes.
Me: Um, well, maybe all of those reasons are why more people don't use it.
Diana: Yeah, and I'm kind of crazy.
Me: Well, you do live in Halibut Cove and paint with octopus ink...
Diana: (smiles and laughs) Yeah.

For Reals?

2010-02-04T21:56:00.000-09:00

At first I thought this was a joke. Apparently it's real. Sigh.

Early January Overheard In Anchorage

2010-01-20T08:55:00.003-09:00

-Hipster Guy at Coffee Shop to Other Hipster Guy at Coffee Shop: "At least your cyberstalking is paying off by bringing you closer to people."

-Woman at Party Describing One of Her Favorite Writers: "She's big on the internet, but in a good way--not in a nipple slip sort of way."

Dontcha Think

2010-01-19T23:00:00.001-09:00

I've been really busy and haven't had much time to blog. I've been meaning to write a post explaining why I've been so busy, but I've been too busy. Isn't that ironic?* I don't really know. What I do know is that it is most certainly not a Catch-22.**

*I've always wondered why that Alanis Morisette/Dave Coulier (funny Uncle Joey from Full House) thing isn't a bigger deal. It should be one of the biggest celebrity scandals of all time, right? Think about it : Uncle Joey was the guy that broke Alanis' heart. Unlce Joey! He was the guy from the song! And that song was HUGE when it first came out. HUGE! At the time, would anyone have guessed that she was singing about going down on Uncle Joey in a theatre? No way. Maaaaybe, we would have believed it was about Uncle Jesse. Maybe. But Uncle Joey was not even in the realm of possibility. I can't think of a bigger surprise. Yet, we still don't care. Maybe it's because they are Canadian.

**Inside joke.

Sadly, my excuse is not exciting in the least. I have a new job, and blogging from there doesn't seem appropriate--it wasn't technically appropriate at my last job either, but I felt like I could make a much stronger free expression argument under those circumstances. I'm also teaching again this semester, so most of my free time is spent preparing for the two classes I'm responsible for. That leaves me with not a lot of time for my little internet writing hobby. Still, I post more frequently than Myster does, and I feel pretty good about that.* McGeez has also slowed down. What is it? Are we getting too old to blog? I don't know if that's the reason for this writing downturn, but I definitely feel much older these days. Case in point: I now prefer shirts with a button-down collar. Sigh.

*But she has a better excuse.

One Day

2010-01-18T00:01:00.004-09:00

Nothing's Shocking

2010-01-11T14:17:00.000-09:00

McGwire did steroids; Palin does Fox. Too bad those aren't reversed, because that would be awesome.

Overheard On A Trip To Talkeetna

2009-12-19T09:35:00.001-09:00

Motel Roommate #1: "The sign outside says "No Pets on Premise."

Motel Roommate #2: "What does that mean?"
Motel Roommate #1: "You can't tell any stories about your dog while in this room."

Young Professional Woman: "Did you ever sleep with one of your interns?"

Young Professional Man: "No, of course not!"

Young Professional Woman: "If this was 20 years ago you totally could have."

Young Professional Man: "Yeah, Linda Tripp really ruined everything."

Guy at Bar #1: "Is that Kid Rock?"

Guy at Bar #2: (without hesitation) "Yes."

Guy standing outside of that same bar after it closed: "I'm not big on technicalities, but everyone rocked tonight."

Guy at Brunch #1: "I can't believe how much I drank last night. Thanks for filling in some of the blanks."

Guy at Brunch #2: "No problem, Memento."

"After watching my wife go through labor, I finally understood why more women wouldn't have sex with me."

"You know how math equations sometimes use parentheses? My friend invented that."

"My dad coined the phrase "Hostess with the mostess."

Pun Of The Year Nominee

2009-12-18T21:25:00.001-09:00

Erik: How long until this giant sheet of ice crashes through the window?
Me: We've got plenty of time, it's moving at a glacial pace.

Wouldn't Be Chanukah Without It

2009-12-18T20:28:00.004-09:00

Art Imitates Life

2009-12-03T18:08:00.004-09:00

Recently saw this job posting at the local university:

ART MODEL

The Department of Art, a program accredited by NASAD, is seeking applicants for art model positions. Life model from which art students will draw, paint, or sculpt the human form. Art models must have the ability to pose nude in inspiring, aesthetically pleasing and physically challenging ways for students enrolled in art studio classes. Ability to pose nude in inspiring, graceful or physically challenging positions and to be able to hold these positions for extended periods of time without moving.

Salary: Depends on experience.

To apply please attach the following:
1. Cover letter
2. Resume and include contact information for three references.

I didn't know these jobs existed in real life! I thought they were just made up for sitcoms and movies. Also: references? Really? A reference that can confirm that you can hold an an "inspiring" nude position for an extended period of time without moving? I love this country.

Carlton, where art thou?

2009-11-29T23:40:00.002-09:00

Jimmy Fallon doing Neil Young doing the Fresh Prince theme song. Brilliant.

(Long Overdue) Overheard in Anchorage

2009-11-09T06:36:00.001-09:00

Hipster Girl: “Can you Shazam it? Oh my god! I just used Shazam as a verb!”
Loud NASCAR-ish guy ordering a drink at a local bar: “Knob Creek, Diet Coke, tall glass, easy ice, turbo straw.” Turbo straw?
Email from a co-worker on holiday: “Spain is very cool except for the fact that they are not really into schedules or things like that. For example, the soccer game I bought (expensive) tickets for, they just decided to move it from Sunday to Saturday so when I went to pick up my tickets they told me the game was yesterday.”
Hipster Guy at coffee shop: “People wear Ed Hardy shirts when there is either no more room on their bodies for tattoos or they are too scared of needles to get a tattoo, so instead they wear shirts with tattoos on them. Classy.”
“SPF 70? That's like wearing a lotion shirt."
“They can't spell but they know how to insert cool symbols like hearts into their Facebook status updates. I love stupid teenagers.”
“Once you go born again, you never go back."
“I saw a guy on the Coastal Trail wearing short-short jean shorts, a red reflector safety vest, aviator shades and a cowboy hat. He was like all of the Village People at once.”
“The only things that lead to good music are pain, love, heartache...and the Vietnam War. Love always makes for good music--except for hip hop. There's lots of good hip hop that isn't about love--hip hop has songs about real stuff, like guns and basketball.”
30-something woman looking at Facebook: “This girl was my biggest rival in high school. Her husband is hideous. That makes me so happy.”
Dude at a party after a big college football game: "My bloody mary bar this morning was a rousing success. How do I know? Simple: look at my pants." (Note: his pants were covered w/red stains.)

Worst. Event. Ever?

2009-11-06T15:22:00.005-09:00

With apologies to any of my friends and colleagues who were involved in organizing this event or who are planning to attend, I'm sorry. I just can't get excited about this:

Seriously. Can you even imagine a more boring group of people to spend an evening with? Lawyers, bankers and CPAs? That sounds like torture. And what's up with that clip art? Who decided that a picture of gold alien robots sitting on a bench with giant laptops was appropriate on an invitation to a "social event." At least there is a discount if you buy your drinks in bulk. Have fun.

Adventures in Teachersitting

2009-10-15T18:28:00.003-08:00

I apologize for the long hiatus and want to thank those of you who still check in every day and give me crap for not writing anything. I have a good excuse for my absence: I started teaching a class at the local university last month and that has sucked up just about all of my free time. Teaching is hard. Much more demanding and challenging than I expected. But I'm really enjoying it and would have some great stories to share if I could figure out what my ethical obligations to my students are.

But there are some things I can talk about. Remember these:

I totally gave a Scantron exam today. It saved me a ton of time and an hour after the exam, the Faculty Technology Center had sent me the grades as well as 7 different statistical breakdowns of the grade distributions--5 of which I do not understand at all.

More soon.

2 Sunsets/One Night

2009-09-15T23:46:00.002-08:00

With their 6-0 loss to the Braves tonight, the sun officially sets on the Mets season as they will now finish with a losing record for the first time since 2004. Oh well. At least there was this other sunset to make me feel a little better tonight:

I heart the AK right now. Much more than I heart the NY Mets. It pains me so to type that.

Guns and Butter

2009-09-14T23:55:00.000-08:00

While garage sale shopping in the rain on Saturday, I happened by the park strip and noticed a rally. From a distance I could make out a sign that said “un-american.” I assumed it was some sort of a wacky right-wing kind of thing and I decided to stay far away. Turns out, it was. It was an anti-health insurance reform/pro-gun rally; a weird combination, right? What do guns have to do with healthcare? (Other than that gunshot wounds send people to hospitals all the time?)

The only reason these two issues have been wedded together is that it would be difficult to get a ton of people out on a cool, damp morning to yell about how health insurance companies should continue to screw people over. But if you add guns to the mix, the crazies come out in droves.

(This picture is actually from Gov. Palin's farewell BBQ in August, not this weekend's event. But you get the point)

I don't want to get into an argument about the Second Amendment (or Article I, Section 19 of the Alaska Constitution)--there is plenty of discourse out there about it already, but I do want to make two points:

(1) If you want to keep a gun in your home for self defense, fine. If you want to own a rifle because you like to hunt, fantastic. If you live in Alaska and you need to arm yourself because when you leave your home you may encounter all sorts of wildlife, that is reasonable. If want to prowl the streets at night in the name of vigilante justice, more power to you. But if you are the punk who earlier this summer fired six shots into my neighbor's house at 4 AM because you were fighting with your ex-girlfriend, or the dumbass who started shooting downtown last weekend and caused me and my friends to have to dive back into a bar for safety, then you should not be allowed to possess any firearms. You are stupid and you are an asshole. You are certainly not who the framers of the Constitution had in mind when they wrote the Second Amendment. But if you are, say, this guy, with your mini flag and your leather fanny pack, I fully support your right to own an antique rifle:

(2) I don't believe that guns = freedom. People argue that the Second Amendment must be protected at all costs because the citizenry needs to keep the ability to form armed militias to prevent tyranny and overthrow the government if necessary. But this logic is no longer relevant. Here's why: First, if a despotic leader takes over our country and we really need to take up arms against our oppressors, we won't stand a chance. This isn't like the Revolutionary War where both sides just had muskets. Now the government has way more advanced weapons (like robots, biological weapons, and genetically enhanced bionic soldiers) that would easily wipe out any revolutionaries armed only with guns and maybe some rocket launchers (are those covered by the 2nd A?). Second, collectively, we are way too lazy to even try to overthrow the government. There are all sorts of stories about brave farm boys leaving their homes to fight the British. Good luck getting any 18-24 year old to put down Rock Band and get off the couch to go and fight. Especially when fighting the government would likely result in an Internet service disruption.

Back to the rally. These people are so stupid. Many of the same people who decry any sort of reform of the health insurance industry (And this is really what it's about. It's not about changing they type of health care that is available. It's about making it more accessible to more people because access to healthcare should be a fundamental human right for anyone living in the 21st Century.) are the ones who really need it. Yet these people insanely continue to support Republican politicians despite the fact that their economic and social policies are ruining their lives. But right wing politicians are savvy and they tap into the masses' fears and use those fears to drive an agenda that harms the very people who support it. That it works so well is absolutely maddening.

This is why the debate focuses on socialism, "death panels," President Obama's ancestry, and anything else that does not involve the real issues, like how "relative value units" and price fixing serve to limit access to primary care physicians, the huge role the food industry plays in bringing health care costs under control, the benefits of preventive medicine, or that most doctors actually support a public option. Instead, you get morons like this, from yesterday's "event" in Anchorage:

"(Obama) is a fake, he is an illegal alien, he is a fraud. Barack Obama, where is the birth certificate!" event speaker Bob Bird, last year's Alaskan Independence Party candidate for U.S. Senate, said to scattered cheers from those gathered.

Richard Sloderbeck of Anchorage, standing watching the speakers, said he believes Obama was elected through voter fraud, and, "I know he is Islamic in my heart." He said Obama is trying to take people's guns away and destroy the Constitution.

It's also how you wind up with people gathering in publicly-owned parks to rail against big government and "socialism;" it cracks me up. It just goes to show that people love government spending when it suits them: medicare, paved roads, police and fire departments, traffic lights, snow removal. Want your point to have more resonance? Don't use any of that stuff. Good luck with that.

In case you were wondering...

2009-09-09T18:09:00.000-08:00

Myster explains what it's like to clean my oven.

Things & Stuff

2009-08-24T13:10:00.001-08:00

After all the hubub, the Anchorage Assembly passed the anti-discrimination ordinance. This was the first time in the history of this state that an elected body voted to provide equal rights for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgendered people. So, of course, Mayor Dan Sullivan vetoed it. Sullivan cited the fact that "the vast majority of those who communicated their position on the ordinance are in opposition" as his reason for overturning the Assembly's vote. Ironic that an ordinance intended to protect the minority from discrimination at the hands of the majority was shot down by the city's top executive only because the majority was opposed to it. That's exactly how it is not supposed to work. Thanks, Mayor Sullivan, for moving our great city backwards in the race for human rights and dignity.
A couple of days later this giant rainbow appeared above Anchorage. Wonder whose side Mother Nature is on?

On a lighter note, while discussing this issue with some friends at a bar, one guy who was all riled up started yelling about how "It doesn't matter if you are black, white, or PURPLE! You should all have the same rights! Purple people have rights too!" Then we looked over and there was a woman at the table next to us wearing a purple shirt, purple pants and she even had purple hair. She totally heard us yelling about purple people. Awk-ward.
What kind of a jerk steals cars from firefighters while they are out fighting wildfires? Two suspects were arrested, but cars and trucks are still missing. No matter what, this is going to cost some dedicated public servants lots of time, money, and frustration. Want to help out? Mail a check payable to "IAFF 1264" with "Pioneer Peak" in the memo line to: PO Box 242041, Anchorage, AK 99524.
I watched Project Runway for the first time this week. It's no Top Chef, but I can see why so many of my friends are obsessed with it. It had some funny moments, like all of the people who take themselves way too seriously because of really stupid status things, like the guy who brazenly informed us that "In New York, I'm known as the Prince of Feathers." That's awesome. Congratulations. I'm also fascinated by the personal style choices of the designers. Some of them just wear jeans and a t-shirt. Totally simple and normal. Others wear crazy stuff, like rainbow bodysuits with chainmail corsets or shirts with sleeves made out of cardboard boxes.
If prostitution were legalized and regulated, would hookers have prices listed on their clothes or bodies? Or a cigarette-like Surgeon General's health warning for STIs? What about nutritional information?
I tried to go to a party with some friends the other night. We got totally lost, mainly because the street we were supposed to turn onto, which was clearly present on the map, did not exist in reality. Then we wound up at the intersection of Winchester and Winchester. How does that happen? As Kim said, "I'm never going to South Anchorage again."

The Mishegoss Mets

2009-08-23T14:26:00.003-08:00

The Mets terrible season continues. Following up on the insane rash of injuries, the soap opera front office drama, and the bad managerial decisions that have plagued the team all year, today the Mets discovered an entirely new way to lose. After Oliver Perez gave up two three-run home runs to the Phillies in the first inning, the Mets eventually rallied to pull within two runs. But down 9-7 in the bottom of the ninth, with the tying runs on base and the winning run at the plate, Mets right fielder Jeff Francouer hit into a game-ending unassisted triple play. Yes. A game-ending unassisted triple play. Unbelievable. The first time ever a game has ended like that. *sigh*

This has been a hard season. But rather than reflect on all of the reasons why, I'll turn it over to Bill Simmons to explain why we baseball fans (and perhaps Mets fans in particular) are so sensitive:

"The relationship between a fan and his baseball team is unlike anything else. If you love a team—if you truly love it—then that team infiltrates your daily life for six straight months (seven if you’re lucky). You wake up, you shower, you eat, you work, you eat, you watch your baseball team, you sleep. When the Mets collapsed for the third straight season last week, my devastated friends who follow them all said the same thing: it wasn’t losing again as much as reflecting on those 162 games and the hundreds of hours wasted along the way. They felt betrayed. Only baseball does that to you. It’s a game of routine, of watching one at-bat after another, hoping something different happens, of relishing the little thingsd that happen along the way. You don’t know your favorite players personally, but you feel like you do.”

Next year can't get here soon enough.

Shameful

2009-08-10T23:53:00.002-08:00

When I heard that the federal government was going to institute "death panels" as part of a health care reform plan, I got really excited. Not because I want sick people to be put to death rather than given health care, but because I thought it would be a great job for me. As the currently unemployed former Governor of Alaska (Sarah Palin, in case you forgot) explained:

The America I know and love is not one in which my parents or my baby with Down Syndrome will have to stand in front of Obama's "death panel" so his bureaucrats can decide, based on a subjective judgment of their "level of productivity in society," whether they are worthy of health care. Such a system is downright evil.

(And, in case you forgot, Sarah Palin has a baby with Down Syndrome, who, for the record, is really cute, though I'm not so sure about his choice in eyewear. Are those really cool or really ugly? I can't tell anymore.)

Why would I make a good Death Panel Bureaucrat? Simple: I have lots of recent experience in determining someone's "level of productivity in society." Also, I've been sick, I've had surgery that I'm still paying off, and I'm a good bullshitter so I can totally tell when someone is faking.

I immediately started putting together an application, but then I found out that, despite the stimulus plan, there would be no such jobs available: sadly, shockingly, the former Governor of Alaska was lying (again). Why would she just make such a thing up? Probably for the same reasons that Rush Limbaugh is comparing the Obama health care plan logo to "a Nazi swastika logo." Because Godwin's Law posits that the longer an argument or debate goes on, the probability of a comparison involving Hitler or the Nazis increases. It usually occurs when conservative arguments grow tired and less logical:

In discussions about guns and the Second Amendment, for example, gun-control advocates are periodically reminded that Hitler banned personal weapons. And birth-control debates are frequently marked by pro-lifers' insistence that abortionists are engaging in mass murder, worse than that of Nazi death camps.

Applying these principles, it has also been observed that "as the time a liberal candidate is believed to be winning an election or argument increases, the probability that they will be labeled communist or socialist approaches one." So there it is. Because there is no good reason to oppose health care reform, a faction of the far right resorts to outlandish tactics that are offensive, un-American, anti-intellectual, and ultimately, violent. As Rachel Maddow explains,Nazism is not a metaphor for a political policy you disagree with. It has a very specific resonance, and when it is used deliberately to characterize a political opponent it is nothing more than a means of justifying the use of violence against that opponent. It makes violence virtuous, because Nazism is inherently evil and should be stopped at all costs. That is a scary prospect, is completely unacceptable, and has absolutely no place in what should be a thoughtful, civilized debate about health care and basic human rights. Anyone who furthers this Nazi meme should ashamed of themselves, absolutely ashamed.

Meet The Mess

2009-07-27T21:54:00.005-08:00

Last week, NY Daily News reporter Adam Rubin broke the story that Mets VP for Player Development Tony Bernazard recently "removed his shirt" and challenged one of the Mets minor league teams to a fight during a post-game tirade. That's right, he challenged the entire team. And, yes, it is also important that he took off his shirt, because that adds a whole nother level of crazy and makes it seem like he should have be on an episode of Cops, and not working in the Mets front office.

Mets GM Omar Minaya called a press conference today to announce that Bernazard had rightly been fired. But at the presser Minaya accused Rubin of writing the story about Bernazard only because Rubin wanted to get Bernazard fired so that Rubin could get his job. This is unprecedented. A GM accusing a reporter of orchestrating a firing of another team exec because he wanted the guy's job? Omar is seriously having a meltdown: First, he makes a trade that makes no sense, sending Ryan Church to the arch-rival Braves for Jeff Francoeur. Minaya justified the trade as follows: "One thing we like about Francoeur is the amount of games that he plays." Yes, but he doesn't play that well in any of them. Then, with the team a solid 10 game out of first place, and 7 games behind the wild card leader, Minaya talked about trading away the future to try to win during this season where everything that could go wrong has gone wrong. This is delusional, but consistent with the Mets' history. Now he accuses a beat writer of plotting to take down a team executive because he wanted the job. He is really losing it. Makes me wonder if Sarah Palin (or Meg Stapleton) is advising him?

The Mets have always been a soap opera; nothing is ever easy with them. Joel Sherman speculates that the Mets fired Bernazard because he was becoming a distraction. But with the way this season has been going, a distraction from the on-the-field action wouldn't be so bad.

I can't wait till the day we Mets fans can be this happy again:

(Thanks to a special friend in NY for snapping this picture and sending it to me. And for staying on the subway for an extra shot to make sure she got it. Made my day.)

Overheard So Far This Summer

2009-07-22T00:12:00.001-08:00

"I would never fight someone who is drunk. People who are drunk are stronger, because they have no fear. But their hand-eye coordination may not be as good."
"I just flirted with the girl who caught herself on fire at the Oceans Festival last year."
"You drunk-dialed me to talk about mootness. You, sir, are a giant nerd."
Girl at Concert: "I'm so sick of bluegrass."
Boy at Concert: "We'll, he's not really playing bluegrass."
Girl at Concert: "Acoustic, whatever. It's still just some guy whining on a stool."
"He's really into hunting. But the natural kind--like he strips naked, covers himself in deer urine to mask his scent, puts a knife between his teeth and then heads out into the woods to hunt moose. He's not going to shoot them with an M-16 from out of a helicopter."
"You're one of those creepy sauna guys."
"I'm not a hooker, I'm walking."
"Indian people can't swim. What? I was just over there. It's true."
"A bunch of people are still at Dave's house doing Jaeger Bombs and playing Rock Band."
"You stayed home all day? Good decision. Your pale-ass legs needed sun more than you needed to be at work today."
"He wants to gain weight? Here's a simple plan: first, he has to stop biking everywhere and start driving his car. Then he should spend at least 2 hours a day on the couch watching TV. If that doesn't work, he should chew bacon instead of gum."
"I just want to be smooth, like Barack."

She Likes Me Not

2009-07-21T23:21:00.005-08:00

I have recently become the go-to source for relationship advice for two of my friends. I guess I'm qualified for this task, having had a lot of interesting dating-ish experiences over the years: I've had some relationships end in spectacularly bad fashion, and have had others that went remarkably well (that is, until I inevitably ended them for reasons as mature as "she talks with her hands too much," "her voice sounds funny on my answering machine," and "she has 80's hair"). I've been in relationships that I let go on for too long, relationships that ended too early, and relationships that even came with a predetermined expiration date. I've almost seen it all. Plus, I recently heard Adam Carolla's spot-on explanation of why dating is so hard:

We live in a society where women are conditioned to expect men to pursue them, but they are also infused with a gene that makes them immediately repulsed as soon as soon as we show any interest. If the animal kingdom worked that way, there would be no animals. A female peacock isn't repulsed by a male peacock that shows interest in her. Rather she's like, "Hey, nice plumage."

Friend A is in a tough spot. He's stuck in the Friend Zone with no way out. His situation is eerily similar to the one described in this letter:

I really like you. I do. You're so nice, and sweet, and you listen to all my problems and respond with the appropriate compliments. But, well, I don't really see a relationship in our future. It would be terrible if we let sex destroy this great friendship we have where I get everything I want and you get nothing you want. Don't you think?

. . .
It's just…you're like my best friend, and I would hate for something you desperately want to change that. I mean, sure, we could go on some dates, maybe mess around a little and finally validate the six years you've spent languishing in this platonic nightmare, but then what? How could we ever go back to the way we were, where I take advantage of your clear attraction to me so I can have someone at my beck and call? That part of our friendship means so much to me.

Armed with my generally keen insight into everything and this pie chart, I was able to properly advise Friend A on what he should do: ignore her.

Unfortunately, he can't. But even if he could, it would probably do him no good. Once she showed any interest in him, he would immediately be less attracted to her. Probably because all men think "There must be something really wrong with her if she can't do any better than me."

Then there's Friend B, who never likes anyone. I was really surprised when she started talking about a new crush. She really liked him, but was frustrated about some un-returned text messages. She insisted she didn't want to play any games, but when I suggested she just call him, she refused: "He has to call me. I'm not calling him." No games, huh? Good luck with that.

These situations are certainly not unique, and given these circumstances, I think it's a miracle that people ever get together. I'm really starting to believe that this fake time travel plan might actually be a good idea.

What?

2009-07-08T14:43:00.004-08:00

SP's spokeswoman Meg Stapleton had a rip-roaring fun interview with Anderson Cooper. Here she tries to explain to AC why quitting is leading and why good point guards (and therefore by extension governors) always keep their eye on the hoop (still not sure what the metaphorical hoop really is, and not to nitpick, but a point guard shouldn't be focused on the hoop. That's what a shooting guard does. Good point guards look to create openings for other players to score. Steve Nash for governor!).

Meg revealed that the Soon-To-Be-Former Gov. (STBFG) has already had lots and lots and lots of job opportunities--some even came on the day she resigned! But she wouldn't elaborate. Seems like the STBFG may be dabbling in the motivational speaking field a little. This morning, she had this to tweet:

Couple of thoughts for the day on beautiful bright AK morn:"You have to sacrifice to win. That's my philosophy in 6 words."- George Allen. &

Today,try this: "Act in accordance to your conscience -risk- by pursuing larger vision in opposition to popular, powerful pressure"-unknown

Isn't that second quote great? She floats some self-serving nonsense statement that isn't even a sentence and then attributes it to "unknown." I think it was "unknown" because it came from a fortune cookie. Or, more likely, one cookie that accidentally had two fortunes stuck together inside it--don't you love when that happens?

That's What She Said

2009-07-05T23:44:00.001-08:00

It has always hurt my brain to try to make sense out of Sarah Palin's attempts at logical reasoning. But this weekend she outdid herself. As you may have heard, Sarah is not going to seek a second term as Alaska's governor (she's 2 1/2 years into her first term). Oh, and also, because she's not going to seek a second term, she's just going to resign right now (well, in three weeks), because if she's a "lame duck," that would be bad for Alaska:

And so as I thought about this announcement that I wouldn’t run for re-election and what it means for Alaska, I thought about how much fun some governors have as lame ducks… travel around the state, to the Lower 48 (maybe), overseas on international trade – as so many politicians do. And then I thought – that’s what’s wrong – many just accept that lame duck status, hit the road, draw the paycheck, and “milk it”. I’m not putting Alaska through that – I promised efficiencies and effectiveness! That’s not how I am wired. I am not wired to operate under the same old “politics as usual.” I promised that four years ago – and I meant it.

I guess if you squint really hard and bang your head against the table a few times this sort of makes sense. Though, as Myster points out, maybe it isn't so crazy. After all, she quit a bunch of things and they all turned out pretty well.

There is lots of speculation as to why Palin is stepping down--speculation fueled by the fact that she didn't really say why in a rambling, somewhat incoherent speech at a hastily organized press conference on the banks of Lake Lucille (with lots of geese honking in the background). She did however cite everything from refrigerator magnets to tired sports analogies to support her decision.

And, as usual, in response to criticism of this shocking decision to abandon her constituents (Republican Sen. Lisa Murkowski's words, not mine), Sarah both goes on the offensive and plays the victim at the same time, blaming the media (via Twitter) for putting a false spin on her resignation--the resignation that she herself has tried to spin into nothing more than just her decision to abandon the "politics as usual." Indeed, both the title of her official press release, as well as all of her comments, boldly refer to her decision not to run again and treat her decision to quit as jut incidental. To wit:

The (still, for now) Governor also lashed out at a few local bloggers who discussed their thoughts on why she stepped down. Through her attorney, whose First Amendment credentials I question as he does not seem to have ever heard of NY Times v. Sullivan--just, you know, like the most important Supreme Court case ever when it comes to free speech, journalism, and criticism of public officials--Palin threatens to sue most the Internet. This is what her attorney had to say:

To the extent several websites, most notably liberal Alaska blogger Shannyn Moore, are now claiming as "fact" that Governor Palin resigned because she is "under federal investigation" for embezzlement or other criminal wrongdoing, we will be exploring legal options this week to address such defamation. This is to provide notice to Ms. Moore, and those who re-publish the defamation, such as Huffington Post, MSNBC, the New York Times and The Washington Post, that the Palins will not allow them to propagate defamatory material without answering to this in a court of law. The Alaska Constitution protects the right of free speech, while simultaneously holding those "responsible for the abuse of that right."

Blah, blah, blah. Fortunately, Ms. Moore ain't falling for it.

No matter how you slice it, this situation is vintage Sarah: drama, speculation, family values, victimization, evil bloggers, head-scratching rhetoric, and a sharp red jacket.

But what to call this sordid affair? Every good "gate" needs a name. It's got to have quit in the title, though right? As Geoffrey Dunn points out, quitting is par for the course with Palin:

Sarah Palin quit five colleges in her otherwise unremarkable collegiate career, before finally graduating from the sixth. She quit her job in television. She and Todd quit their snow machine dealership in Big Lake. She quit as chair of the Alaska Oil & Gas Conservation Commission. Now she has quit the governorship of the state she supposedly loves. Sarah Palin is a quitter. When the going gets tough,Sarah Palin quits. Sarah Palin has no game.

The name practically wrote itself, though he gives credit to his 14 year-old daughter: The Iquitarod.

This Week in Sarahdise

2009-07-01T23:14:00.003-08:00

For some reason Sarah brought up how she thinks she could beat Barack Obama in a ~~race~~ marathon: "I betcha I'd have more endurance," she told Runner's World magazine. What's next? Arm wrestling Joe Biden? Paintball with Nancy Pelosi?

She does look pretty good in her yoga outfit though...

Then there was a great article in Vanity Fair. So much good stuff in there: behind-scenes-campaign stories, insight into how she interacted with her staff, a look at her relationship with John McCain, etc. A few things really stood out, like this totally apt description of life in Alaska:

The first thing McCain could have learned about Palin is what it means that she is from Alaska. More than 30 years ago, John McPhee wrote, “Alaska is a foreign country significantly populated with Americans. Its languages extend to English. Its nature is its own. Nothing seems so unexpected as the boxes marked ‘U.S. Mail.’” That description still fits. The state capital, Juneau, is 600 miles from the principal city, Anchorage, and is reachable only by air or sea. Alaskan politicians list the length of their residency in the state (if they were not born there) at the top of their biographies, and are careful to specify whether they like hunting, fishing, or both. There is little sense of government as an enduring institution: when the annual 90-day legislative session is over, the legislators pack up their offices, files, and computers, and take everything home. Alaska’s largest newspaper, the Anchorage Daily News, maintains no full-time bureau in Juneau to cover the statehouse. As in any resource-rich developing country with weak institutions and woeful oversight, corruption and official misconduct go easily unchecked. Scrutiny is not welcome, and Alaskans of every age and station, of every race and political stripe, unself-consciously refer to every other place on earth with a single word: Outside.

So, of all the puzzling things that Sarah Palin told the American public last fall, perhaps the most puzzling was this: “Believe me, Alaska is like a microcosm of America.”

Believe me, it is not.

Also, a great description of Palin's hometown of Wasilla (which makes great companion reading to Alex's slideshow):

But Sarah Palin herself is a microcosm of Alaska, or at least of the fastest-growing and politically crucial part of it, which stretches up the broad Matanuska-Susitna Valley, north of Anchorage, where she came of age and cut her political teeth in her now famous hometown, Wasilla. In the same way that Lyndon Johnson could only have come from Texas, or Bill Clinton from Arkansas, Palin and all that she is could only have come from Wasilla. It is a place of breathtaking scenery and virtually no zoning. The view along Wasilla’s main drag is of Chili’s, ihop, Home Depot, Target, and Arby’s, and yet the view from the Palins’ front yard, on Lake Lucille, recalls the Alpine splendor visible from Captain Von Trapp’s terrace in The Sound of Music. It is culturally conservative: the local newspaper recently published an article that asked, “Will the Antichrist be a Homosexual?” It is in this Alaska—where it is possible to be both a conservative Republican and a pothead, or a foursquare Democrat and a gun nut—that Sarah Palin learned everything she knows about politics, and about life. It was in this environment that her ambition first found an outlet in public office, and where she first tasted the 151-proof Everclear that is power.

Finally, a few days ago I started following Palin's Twitter feed. I had to stop because tweets like these were making my eyes bleed:

I dont support Waxman-Markey bill; I'll work w/AK Senators & others to address concerns, lacks flexibility needed to protect enviro & develp
Lots of happy construction workers just kicked off Goose Creek prison project - loved all the hard hats and steel toed boots on the ground.
Despicable act of hatred @ Natl Holocaust Museum today. Our hearts & prayers are w/victims of the shootings. God bless our Jewish community.
Thank you Wasilla for Trail of Healing! May God bless efforts of reconciliation; it shall be manifested in more respect for AKs First People
Today I meet w/Asst AGs seeing in past 2 weeks US Supreme Ct twice reversed the US Ct of Appeals for 9th Circuit in cases important to AK...
Our asst AGs had KEY role in protecting rights as a state vs 9th Circuit in cases re: DNA evidence & Kensington Mine development/new jobs
Is it ok to hack emails? Go thru someone's mail & broadcast what you stole? Nope, not ok to most Americans.TN proceedings tomorrow to decide
Suppressed EPA memos may help explain why r position on climate change & polar bear population became controversial/misunderstood. Read 'em
I may get nowhere w/DoD efforts to fully fund troops' rtn trips so pls join charity drive to raise $ for flights. Nonsense troops must pay!

Served Very Cold

2009-06-28T23:29:00.004-08:00

I went to college with a guy named Dave. He was always a little odd. We haven't spoken since 1997, but several months ago he joined Facebook. I've been fascinated with him ever since I read his little "about me" statement: "My Mission In This World Is To Organize Villages in Southern Ohio so that We May Escape The Tribulation To Come. Join Me." Here is one of his profile pictures:

Oh boy. I've been monitoring his status updates for the past few months. They are reprinted verbatim below, and more of his profile pictures are interspersed throughout. My thoughts and comments are at the end. Enjoy:

[Dave] is the founder & President of "Uncle John's Land." We are buying land in southern Ohio, organizing villages, and building cabins for friends.
Marjorie if things get really bad, just come down to southern Ohio to the villages and you will be protected, I promise
[Dave] is very sorry to have to make the announcement that "The Antichrist has Risen!!"
[Dave] is visiting friends in New Hampshire, it is very cold here.
[Dave] is happy to announce that Jon M has been named Chief Financial Officer for "Uncle John's Land."
[Dave] is happy that Uncle John's Land's 1st campground in S. Ohio is set up and ready for campers this spring

In this short book I discuss my plan for the villages in southern Ohio. This world is about to get really dangerous within the next few years and people must begin thinking about leaving the big cities and coming to southern Ohio for their own safety and the safety of their children. The book also contains poetry and essays on everything from our economic crisis to the reality of extra terrestrials. Contact me if interested. . .
[Dave] is pleased to announce that his latest book, "Confederation of Villages," is now available
[Dave] is frightened by the state of the world, yet remains positive
I fear that one day it may no longer be safe to remain in the cities
[Dave] is on a mission to gather his friends from the 4 corners of the country and help them arrive safely and comfortable in south east Ohio
[Dave] really wants to live in a Village

Hey Dude when are we goin' campin' at my place in southest Ohio. I promise a good time will be had by all. Be well buddy!
[Dave] is soooooooooooooo happy to be back in Cleveland finally after a nice visit to Manchester 3 months left here, then permanently down to Monroe County, OUR County
Hey Judi, I have about 10 of Phish's best performances burned to cd's. I have a couple hundred Dead shows, not the entire 3 hour performance, but 80 minutes of the best stuff the evening had to offer. Phish is my second favorite band, but at this point I'm not a Phishhead, still a Dead Head. The Dead make me feel so relaxed and good. What is up with you today? Meigs & Monroe are very similar environmentaly. Hilly, small town, living far from all of our big cities. Land is still cheap there right now. Monroe County
[Dave] is thrilled to be back home in Cleveland, and is back to burning Grateful Dead & Phish shows . . .
is actively seeking out souls who want to try living in a Village right smack in the middle of The Wayne National Forest in South East Ohio . . .
[Dave] is starting "Uncle John's Land's 1st Village this summer!!!!
[Dave] wants to know if any of you people have ever considered living in a Village. Villagers share land and work together hunting & growing food. It is a better way, the people are blind . . .

[Dave] is chronicling the Grateful Dead. What an amazing band. Soon I will have the ultimate collection of live Dead . . .
as far as wealth, Eric, people will pretty much have what they bring with them. In the future, wealth will not be US Dollars, rather wealth will be measured in food & land . . .
Uncle John's Land is going to begin purchasing land in one particilar area of south east Ohio. Villages will be organized, and people can buy their way in, and then decide whether they want to live in a trailor or have a cabin built. People can live with and share land with their closest friends and family. We can work together learning how to grow various foods, and take care of animals like goats, sheep, horses, and dogs.
My vision for the Villages is that a council of elders will meet to discuss things and make decisions as a unified group like the Native American Indians did.
companies that are failing need to FAIL. The world is constantly changing, and rather than seizing control of privately run companies, we should be investing government money into new factories producing better and newer technologies . . .
[Dave] is scared that we are headed towards Socialism with Obama trying to get permission to take over companies. Anyone have any thoughts on the subject?
[Dave] cannot believe that Obama is already taking over Europe . . . Biblical Prophecy is coming true right before our eyes . . .
[Dave] thinks that Obama is way out of line in his desires to seize control of the bailed out companies. . . the bailouts never should have happened in the first place. The companies gave all the money to their top executives and the companies are still going to fail.
[Dave] does not want to see our nation fall into socialism. We need big help. I don't know if there is an answer, but I'm headed for the hills . . . thank you all for your b-day wishes . .
Villagers Share Land. They live in their own separate cabins and they work together growing food and taking care of animals. . .

I personally like goats better than sheep. Alpacas are awesome but they are expensive.
[Dave] cannot wait to get a goat.
[Dave] looks forward to the official opening of "Uncle John's Land" later this spring. Our 1st campground is up and running, and I will be permanently established in Monroe County within a few months.
this is serious business my friends, we need to begin planning our survival . . .
These camps are fully operational. Huge areas of land all over the country are surrounded by barbed wire and set up like concentration camps; many of them are staffed; yet they all are emptly. FEMA will be the National Police Force . . . There will be riots . . . Martial Law awaits us . . .
[Dave] is extremely concerned about the 600+ FEMA Concentration Camps located all over the Country. Look into it . . .
[Dave] has the ultimate collection of live Grateful Dead shows. 80 minutes of the best the night had to offer
[Dave] is glad that The Jews were rescued from Egypt . . . Thank you Moses !!
[Dave] is home with his new 3 1/2 month old puppy, Crazy Horse
Happy Easter & Passover to all, and thank you Moses & Jesus . .
knows things . . .
[Dave] is concerned about socialism, pirates, and war with Iran . . .
[Dave] is doing some research and trying to figure out what solar panel to buy for down at the campground. Anybody know anything?

I love candy!!!!
so many things to fear in this f**ked up world
[Dave] is headed for the hillsI would love to meet any of the Prophets and am sure that I will someday . . . hopefully Garcia will be in Heaven too . . .
I just got back to Cleveland after spending a week camping out at my place down in Monroe County, SE Ohio. I rented an apartment in a small town called Clarington overlooking the Ohio River. Anybody is welcome to come down and camp with me anytime . . . the campground is coming together and my dog loves it there
Well I've been living in Southern Ohio now for a week and a half. My apartment overlooks the Ohio River and I am only 8 miles of back roads away from the campground. It gets a little lonely but every day I wake up glad that I am away from the city.
Everything is well in Monroe County. I am closing on my new home later this month and cannot wait to move in right down the street from the campground. Uncle John's Land needs to raise money. We need Village Organizers and Fundraisers. When the Middle East peace treaty is signed, the "Tribulation" will officially begin. Beware of the troubles that are soon to come. Remember Uncle John's Land and Monroe County
I am in Cleveland for a week to organize things and pack up my apartment. Next Monday I move into my new house!! Can't wait!
1 more week in Cleveland, then headin' back to the hills
a big water main broke on the east side of Cleveland and people are getting sick. We have been ordered to boil water, geez what next??
2 more days and I'll be u-hauling it down to Jerusalem, Ohio with all of my furniture to take possession of my new house. I am waaaaay in the country with no neighbors to worry about. My dog Jerry is gonna love it and so will I. Visitors are always welcome!

B-Dice's thoughts/comments:

Those are unquestionably the worst profile pictures ever posted on Facebook.
Seriously. Like the worst pictures in the history of Facebook. Why would you willingly share those with anyone?
Armpit hair = gross.
At some point Dave changed his dog's name from Crazy Horse to Jerry.
Dave is crazy.
Would you go live in the woods with this guy?
I don't understand how he can rant against socialism and at the same time want to live in a communal village without rules or money and where wealth is based on food and land.
I know this post may seem mean-spirited. I know that if Dave saw this, he would be upset. He would wonder why I would have made fun of him like this, and he would tell me that what I did was lame. I can hear his voice telling me this. It's not that he would be mad at me, he would just be really disappointed. He would expect better from me. And he would be right. This is mean. I am just blatantly making fun of him.
But you know what? One time when we were in college I brought a date that I really liked named Shoshana to a party and Dave hit on her all night and wound up taking her home and sleeping with her (he looked much different and had a cool "I'm a philosophy major and I smoke a lot of weed and do a lot of drugs" thing going on back then). He never apologized and I never forgave him. And I never had a chance to get him back (though, I had kind of forgotten about the whole incident until recently). Then I saw his Facebook profile. Now we're even.
Update: as was just pointed out to me, there is a difference between being mean and marveling at the extreme.

This Week In Equality

2009-06-24T13:11:00.003-08:00

Public hearing #4 on the Anchorage equal rights ordinance was last night. Meh. Just more of the same: anti-ordinance zealots blathering on the evils of gayness inside the assembly chambers and uninformed adults and brainwashed kids spewing vitriol on the lawn. Going to these hearings has started to feel like going to a bar or a party where you know all the people that are going to be there: "Ugh, it's going to be those same ABT kids hanging out, saying stupid shit, and wearing red again..."

The only difference this time was that this group of Redshirts seemed even trashier than before. They must have been the fourth string. It was as if instead of busing people over from the church, they just swung by Walmart and picked up a bunch of stragglers.

That sign says "98.5% of America is Straight." Not sure where they got their statistics from (there was no citation to authority on the sign). Based on their conclusion, someone did some further social science research and wanted to share his findings with them:

What could that sign possibly say?

As always, there were lots of kids there. This one was carrying a sign that was bigger than he was:

And this kid really needs to learn the definition of irony:

Um, 14-year-old child, how did you come to wind up at the protest tonight, wearing red, waving that ridiculous sign? Did someone ask you to come? Or encourage you somehow? You know those are synonyms for "recruit," right? Just checking.

Know what else is ironic? Being totally gay and not knowing it while protesting against gay rights:
Also ironic: dressing your totall gay little dog up in ant-gay rights gear.

But blowing up the irony meter is fan favorite Dog the Bounty Huner, who showed up in assless chaps. Yes, he wore assless chaps to protest against gay rights. I love this guy.

And, hey, Dog: for future reference, if people can smell your clothes from 20 feet away, you might be wearing too much leather.

And a message to the Redshirts: protest signs are more effective when they make sense. I don't have any idea what this is supposed to mean:

Jerry Prevo was there, flanked by his security guards all night:

The three guys in the foreground (who all had those Secret Service earpieces)--the dude in the red coat, the guy who didn't realize he was wearing a New York Liberty jacket, and the Walter Sobchak-looking fella in the black vest--comprised the least intimidating security force of all time:
The poor-man's Walter was my favorite. Mainly because he was dressed for some sort of battle in the library lobby: he had a lot of pockets and was wearing combat boots. I'm 98.5% certain that he got beat up all the time in high school and now thinks he's way more important than he actually is b/c he runs security for Jerry Prevo.

Finally, there's Geran, who couldn't decide what kind of sign she wanted to make. You aren't allowed to bring signs into the assembly chambers, and when she walked in with these, the security guards didn't know what to do:

Because of all the testimony, the Assembly still hasn't been able to debate the ordinance or vote. The next date that there could be another public hearing is July 7.

Witness The Awesomeness

2009-06-19T07:36:00.001-08:00

I'm so glad I recorded Wednesday night's public hearing. The Pretards are like gifts that keep on giving.

This particular guy looked totally gay. I was shocked when he said he was opposed to the ordinance. But I should have known better: No self-respecting gay man would wear stonewashed jean shorts.

He was a little out of breath when he began his testimony, and he had a nervous lilt to his voice. But what came out of his mouth was pure gold. I'm tempted to comment on it and tear it apart, but I think it would be best for you all to just read it through and fully absorb its awesome ignorance. I transcribed it word-for-word:

Hi. My name is David [redacted].

I’m here today to say I’m um opposed this. I think it’s totally messed up.

Um, we’re talking about freedom here, right? Freedom? If I want to own a business I should have a right to desire to have a good employee or not or to have some land. If I’m going to rent my house out, I should be able to rent it out to someone who I know, or who I trust, or someone from my church. But if I don’t believe that the lifestyle that they live is wrong, then why should I have them live under my circumstances?

And what about freedom, right? Freedom of speech. When I was in high school I got hit on by a couple of gay guys, okay? What is that? That’s a freedom of speech. They had the freedom to come out and say, “Hey, I’m gay. Would you like to take me out? Or, "Would you like to go out with me?” Right? Is that freedom of speech?

Knowing that they have that freedom of speech they also took the right in their mind to say, "Hey if I say this I could get discriminated, right?" I could pointers—fingers pointed at me. I could get sued. Same with Christianity. If I claim that I’m a Christian and I go out and I try to witness, I can get my lights punched out. I can get discriminated. I know that, but I still stand up for what I believe in. If you don’t stand up for Christianity then what else do you have? And what about people that say they are discriminated? Is that really discrimination?

I don’t remember too much about history, about Martin Luther King, but I do remember the blacks and the whites—that was discrimination, okay? If you walked out there an hour ago you saw everybody on the grass having a good time, am I right? Now back in the day, if you saw a black man or a black woman walking down, what would they do? They would point, they would shun them and say hey go away, you’re black, you sit on back of the bus [points behind him], you get that water fountain [points to his right], you get that bathroom [points to his left]. That is discrimination, all right? That is discrimination.

All of us here get discriminated at one point or another, am I right? We all get discriminated?

And how about the way this is all planned? You know? I’m not too involved in politics and I never voted until after I got married because I didn’t give a flip, but now I do. And who is this acting mayor? Is he acting mayor? Then why is he in charge of all this? I mean, is he really in charge? Or are we just twiddling out thumbs here? And how about all these other issues that we’ve had in the past that has been on the ballot? I never knew what a ballot was until I got married. What does that say about my wife? She-she-she got me where I am today.

Is there any questions?

Maybe just a few, starting with, "Um, what?"

Pretarded

2009-06-18T21:39:00.006-08:00

The equality quandary continues. Following last week’s public hearing on proposed Ordinance 64, which would amend Anchorage’s Municipal Code to prohibit discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity, the Assembly had to schedule two more hearings in an attempt to hear from all of the people who signed up to testify. This is highly unusual--generally, few people care about what the Assembly does. But, when an ordinance is proposed, a public hearing is required, and (literally) busloads of people have come to speak out against 64 because, apparently, if we protect the LGBT community from discrimination, something really really really bad is going to happen. Like really really bad. I can’t quite figure out what that bad thing is, but all of the people testifying against the ordinance, and all of those who have been shipped up to wave signs against it, are very afraid of something. They don’t come out and say exactly what it is (Death? Hell? The Apocalypse?), rather they just say something about how being gay is wrong and how Jesus is the Lord of Alaska. (Picture shamelessly stolen from The Mudflats).

Why are so many people testifying? It’s not because they are politically attuned, it’s because the Alaska Religious Right, led by Pastor Jerry Prevo, has employed an interesting political tactic while mobilizing his Pretarded followers into a committed mindless mob. Under the Anchorage Municipal Code, there doesn’t seem to be any limit to the number of people who can testify on an ordinance. Individuals are limited to three minutes each, but the Assembly allowed people to continue to sign up at each hearing. So, at the first hearing, 350 people signed up and they heard from about 90. At the second hearing, they plowed through another hundred, but two hundred more, mostly against the Ordinance, signed up. This meant that public testimony could continue indefinitely.

Such a “backdoor filibuster” looks like the Redshirts' strategy: with unlimited and constantly expanding public testimony, they could preclude the Assembly from voting on the ordinance for another couple of weeks until conservative Mayor-Elect Dan Sullivan takes over. Their hope is that if the ordinance passes when Sullivan is in the big chair he will veto it, which current Acting Mayor Matt Claman would not do. So they bus kids in from all over (even from a church in the lower 48, according to the Anchorage Daily News), pack people in to testify, and hope to put this off. Fortunately, at Wednesday's third day of testimony the Assembly Chair capped it and said all of the people who have signed up, all 550 of them, would be allowed to testify (the public hearing will continue next Tuesday), but no more people will be added to the list.

So, here’s a short summary of where things are at now: The third day of public testimony closed with testimony having been taken from 370 people. There are about 200 to go, and once the public hearing is gaveled closed, the Assembly will consider and debate three different versions of the proposed ordinance, including versions that gut many of its key provisions in an effort to appease Prevo and the Pretards. But those people don’t want to be appeased, they really just want it just torn up, or put off until Sullivan can veto it. The interesting thing is that this approach could totally backfire. Dan Sullivan does not want to deal with this. Why would he? Sullivan hopes to be a moderate leader and if he is faced with this issue, he is going to have to take a controversial stand immediately upon taking office: either strike down the ordinance (if it passes), thereby taking a firm anti-LGBT stance, or let it stand and draw the ire of the right. He can’t win.

I went to the Round 2 protest on Tuesday night, and I watched a lot of the Round 3 testimony on Wednesday. I was going to do a live blog thing about the testimony, but the moronic comments came 2 Fast and 2 Furious, and every few minutes I had to stop watching and bang my head against the wall for a while (more on that in a minute).

The scene at the protest on Tuesday was totally different than last week. A lot of people talked about organizing an event that was less adversarial and more community oriented--a picnic, a potluck, some drum circles, folk music, and what have you. Lame as that sounds, it all came together really well and was more of a Burning Man-esque party than anything else. There was a DJ spinning on the lawn outside the library, dancing, hula hoops, pizza, hipsters on ironic bikes, rainbow boas, some frisbees, and several aspiring fire jugglers. (Thanks to the ADN and tsdak for some of the pics.)

The kid who wanted his $2 from Lane Meyer was there too:

I was remiss that I didn’t bring glow sticks or a pacifier. Or my giant Flavor Flav clock. Despite the party atmosphere, there was still a touch of protest. Witness some sweet blue-side signage:

And of course the Redshirts still had their stupid signs:

Here is Kimberly Jong-il, one of last week’s favorites, holding one of the Redshirts’ new signs that also doesn't make any sense:

Now, I don’t have the bestest grasp of the English language, and I can’t diagram a sentence to save my life (I think I was out sick the day they taught us that in school), but I have decent grammar and I know there are some problems here. Like, why is "Civil Liberties" capitalized? And shouldn't there be a comma in there someplace? And what the hell does that mean anyway?

In this context, immorality is code for gay. So gayness is to blame for our economic problems? Please. Who spends more money than gay men? Without them our economy would have tanked 10 years ago.

The Dog The Bounty Hunter guy came back, flames and all:

And he brought a friend:

I stayed home on Wednesday night to watch the testimony on TV. I almost jumped out of my seat when Dog (real name Brian) stepped up the mic, still wearing his Oakley Thumps (leaving your shades on to testify: an undeniably classy move). I was so excited. And he did not disappoint:

"I spent 23 years of my life locked up in the prison system in the department of corrections. I watched young men from 17 to 20 to 30 years old with people doing 600, 700 years, get raped without their consent, being held down with individuals.

The Alaska Administration Code, in the Department of Correction policy and procedure, is there will not be any homosexual activity inside incarcerations. DOC rules prohibit homosexual activities. I don’t know how they can approve somethin’ out here in the community when it is illegal inside institutions."

Where to begin? Prison rape is certainly a problem, and if Dog wants to do some work on prison reform, we’d love his help. However, his argument that because homosexual activity is banned in prison it should be banned “in the community” is slightly off-the-mark. First, all sexual intercourse is banned in inside correctional facilities. Inmates aren't allowed to fuck each other, and guards aren't allowed to fuck inmates. Period. Doesn't matter if you are gay, straight, black or white. It's prison! No sex! (Except for conjugal visits). There are lots of other things that aren't allowed in prison, like guns (and shivs), should we ban all of those "out here in the community" as well? Second, his argument has absolutely nothing to do with the ordinance, basically, all he could say was "gay sex is bad."

His rant was pretty typical. The people that testified against the ordinance all exhibited the following characteristics: (1) self-proclaimed Christian; (2) fear of God/belief in the Word of God; and (3) failure to read and/or understand the ordinance they were testifying against. I swear, some of them really seem to believe that the Assembly is trying to make homosexuality mandatory or require people to have hot gay sex on the street in front of preschools.

Not surprisingly, many of them had the same talking points:

Christianity good, gay bad.
Gay marriage should be illegal. (It already is in Alaska).
The ordinance was rushed and pushed through too quickly. (Total bullshit. The Assembly hasn’t even discussed or debated it yet. This ordinance was put forward the same way any other ordinance comes before the Assembly. The only difference is that for this one they will allow over 500 people to publicly testify before debating it. And in response to all of that public testimony, several amended versions have already been proposed. So, they are taking their time and are responding to the public outcry. They are basically doing everything right.)
It should be discussed “furtherly” (see above).
It should be put to a vote of the people. (You can’t just set a proposed ordinance up for a popular vote. That's not how it works. There are ways to put such matters before the voters, but when an ordinance is proposed, the Assembly must consider it.)
Special interest groups are behind this ordinance. (Churches are special-interest groups too, you know.).
“I’ve never seen a gay person get discriminated against." (That doesn't mean it doesn't happen. I’ve never seen someone rob a bank, that doesn’t mean it shouldn't be illegal.)

Some of them didn't even talk about the ordinance. They just got up there and read scripture or started preaching at the Assembly members. It was crazy, and, really, I just can't take someone seriously who is wearing a giant red Coca-Cola shirt. Here are some direct quotes:

"They don’t need this ordinance because they already have rights: They have a parade; They have gay bars where they can hang out."
“Homosexuality is a choice; it’s un-Christian.”
“We are all protected by the constitution, but that doesn’t mean we are all entitled to the same thing.”
(read this with a thick Russian accent): “In supermodel business, these women are supposed to be of certain size, a certain height, and it is okay to discriminate against women who are overweight, and they are allowed to do that.”
“You don’t need a new policy. There is no discrimination. I could line everybody up in here tonight and they could all tell you how they’ve been discriminated against.”
“We have a God-given right to protect our children. Vote no to make Anchorage a safer place.”
“Discrimination is not necessarily a bad thing, in fact in many instances it’s a good thing.”
“These ordinances go beyond protecting a class of people from being discriminated against and protects a sinful behavior that should be discriminated against.”
(again, Russian accent): “If we allow this kind of behavior—men with men and women with women--there are gong to be no babies made. In Russia there is not enough babies. People have to pay other people to get the babies for them. If this kind of behavior happened in Russia, I don’t know, would be scary. . . If all of a sudden a rose wanted to become a tulip, there is a reason we have this many tulips and this many roses. There is a reason we have this many men and this many women.”
"This country was founded on rugged individualism, but we basically have a nanny state which is being approved here by a large part of our assembly."
“There is a lack of any credible problem and protection exists. If there was a problem, the ACL (sic) and the feds would have made the municipality fix it.”

Crazy arguments that don't make any sense are all the rage these days. Consider the lunatics calling for Lettermans's head:

Much like their cohorts in Anchorage, the Letterman protesters had their facts slightly askew:

Okay, in order: Letterman never joked about rape, the joke was aimed at 18-year-old Bristol, it was a baseball game [not basketball], the language is Yiddish not Jewish, Letterman has a son out of wedlock, I suppose it’s possible his wife is a slut although I don’t know for sure, America’s periods of isolationism have historically led to wars the country was ill-prepared for, and mouth-rape is somewhat less of a threat to your children than teaching them ironclad certitude at protests against late-night television shows.

See you next Tuesday for Round 4.

Models Is Smart Too

2009-06-11T22:57:00.005-08:00

As I mentioned in the previous post, Mrs. Alaska made a very ~~lame~~ odd appearance at the protest last night, marching in support of continued discrimination against the LGBT community. You can watch her brilliant explanation at the 1:13 mark of this news clip. She displays quite a firm grasp of both the legislative process and the distinction between municipal and state matters:

As Mrs. Alaska I represent married women and Alaskans and I find it shocking that the assembly is trying to pass this ordinance without giving Alaskans the right to vote.

Did I say "firm grasp?" I'm sorry. I meant "she has no fucking clue." Unfortunately for the future of our society, that wasn't even the dumbest quote on the segment. That honor belongs to a teenager named David Drovkov who said, "I’m rebellious; I’m against those gay people that wanna be just free. I just don’t know why they just can’t keep quiet." Oy vey.

Back to Mrs. Alaska. There is so much material here, I don't even know where to begin. First, it turns out that she isn't even the real Mrs. Alaska! Thanks to Geran for passing along this tidbit from Bent Alaska:

UPDATE: Renee Scott is not Mrs. Alaska America, she's "Mrs. Alaska United States," for a pageant run by Laura's Modeling and Talent agency and sponsored by Harley Davidson of Alaska, among others. The June 9 Assembly hearing was listed on the pageant event page, and she'll be riding in the city's July 4th parade. (Note: The Mrs. Alaska *America* pageant is very gay-friendly and they are livid about this.)

And, according to this page on their site -- http://www.mrsak.com/local_pageants.html -- it's the local to the Mrs. United States pageant. The Alaska page at that site doesn't link to the local page, but does give the names of the Alaska directors as Laura Dagon and Jeannine Jabaay. Laura Dagon is the founder & director of Laura's Modeling & Talent Agency.

So, the Mrs. Alaska who showed up at the protest is only a second-tier pageant winner. A second-tier pageant sponsored in part by Harley Davidson. Awesome. Congratulations. But let's not forget about the other sponsor: Laura's Modeling (which, it turns out, is actually just Laura Modeling (& Talent Agency, of course)). I clicked on their "Success Stories" link and checked out a few of the "stories." One thing is abundantly clear: Laura needs to learn how to spell. And some grammar lessons would be good too. Apparently, English isn't covered in the Charm School classes she offers. These are direct quotes from the Laura Modeling website. The short ones are captions from pictures of her "Success Stories" and the longer ones are the "Success Stories" themselves:

Logan Grove- from Butte, Alaska was "Over-all Child model" when he attended the 2004 AMTC with Laura
Check out Logan's own web site www.logangrove.com The inside photo of him in a hospital bed is him acting in an episode of "ER the untold story" summer of 2008 he will be in a movie called "What's happening" he plays Robert DeNaro's son. Go to Block Buster and rent "Christmas do over" and "Mr.Woodcock" Logan is in both of them,,,,HOW COOL,,,,,
Megan Grove....yes Logan's big sis,,,another super star
Megan is a doing very well in the acting industry,,she has appeared in a national Mcdonald's tv ads and acted as a runway model for the famous doll in a tv commercial,,,did you guess "Bratz"
Local Alaska Teenager from Laura Modeling signs contract with top modeling agency IMG Models in New York.,does this work
Emerald modeling in Japan,Emerald's head shot, with Laura got her started in a career she only dreamed of,
Kate as her own albumn,"Faith is the Hunter". Rolling Stones magazines say she is one to look out for,,a super star. While at AMTC she was so well liked they offered her a full scholarship to come back!!!! Now you know why!!!
Tiffany before and After in so many ways,,,…
Jordan Denielle a winner still winning
Jordan has grown so much since AMTC 04,,she placed in several competitions, was offered a contract with the Moragan Agency,,even appeared in an Episode of "Zoom",, a senior at Service High, with plans to go back to AMTC again, now that she is older and can make college plans around modeling she is not giving up,,,see her here in alot of local fashion shows...
Thad is another one of those stories,,"everyone tells me I should become a model" well standing at 6'3 and those good looks, Laura took him back to AMTC in June 2006,, while on an elavater during the conferance he starting talking to just another guy about how he is a carpentor in Alaska,,,little did he know later that week he was a major agent from New York,,,the rest of the story,,,he gave him a call and and invited him to New York to cast for a lead role in Trading Spaces...talking about quick,,,it can happen!!! by the way Thad built the make-up counter in Laura's office ,,,,,how dreamy,,,,
Ruthie called and talked to Laura about wanting to model, she felt unsure of whether she was model matterial, Laura's Model workshop shaped her into what she always wanted to be,,,,within weeks of her training she was in the Alaska Bride and Groom magazine , appearing in large ads for MTA,several local fashion shows, did promotional modeling for very elite Safarri ,Ruffed Grouse,and Ducks Un-limited, a great Hostess for the monday night football games with a major company in town, Every job she worked, the companies called to ask if she would work for them,,,Not happening, Laura trained her to be one of her best Modern Day Charm school teacher.

Let's just leave it at that.

Just Equal, Not Special

2009-06-10T18:33:00.006-08:00

Last night the Anchorage Assembly held a public hearing on extending the Municipality's anti-discrimination laws to prohibit discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity in matters of employment, housing, and public accommodations. If Ordinance No. 64 passes, it will be illegal to fire someone from their job, refuse to rent them an apartment, or deny serving them in a restaurant because they were gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender in the Municipality of Anchorage. Sounds fair, right?

Not to everyone. Led by Jerry Prevo, the pastor at the Anchorage Baptist Temple (basically he is AK's version of doughy hate walrus Jerry Falwell), hundreds of people showed up to protest. And by "showed up" I mean "were bussed in from as far away as Wasilla." And by "people" I mean mostly children--I estimate that over half of the anti-equality protestors were under 18. And there were plenty of kids there under 15 and some as young as 5. It was disgusting; these kids have no idea what the ordinance is about, what the issues are, or why they were there. They were basically pulled out of bible camp and given red shirts to wear and signs to wave (the anti-equality folks wore red, those of us who want to live in a free and tolerant society wore blue. Redshirts v. Blueshirts. It was just like color war.). In fact, the camp analogy was not far off--this was straight out of Jesus Camp. We presumed their afternoon schedule went something like this:

2:00: Arts and Crafts (make anti-gay signs for protest)
3:00: Free Swim
3:45: Board bus for Anchorage
4:30: Hate Mongering

Here are some pictures of the ~~campers~~ kids in action:

Despite waving these signs, none of them could explain exactly how the proposed ordinance was unconstitutional, or antithetical to American or Alaskan values. But that may be because they didn't know what "antithetical" meant.

Really? Would Jesus want people to be fired from their jobs for being gay?

"Truth is Not Hate"? That doesn't even make any sense.

I kind of like the minimalist approach used here.

Definitely a family-friendly event.

"Non-Homosexuals Have Rights"? Good one.

Future leader of the Aryan Nation. I just kept taking pictures of the kids until they got really uncomfortable, or started smiling and waving at me.

"I just got my license!"

Hate the sin? What sin? Wanting to not be denied a place to live because you happen to be gay? Isn't invidious discrimination also a sin?

These kids don't look happy at all.

"If we leave now we can make it to Abercrombie and Fitch before they close."

"Ohmygod Mom, where are you? You promised to pick me up at 6:00."

Someone came up with a really clever sign about the kids:

Who was that incredibly witty someone you ask? Rumor has it that it was this guy:

The Redshirts'whole argument comes down to this pithy statement that they kept repeating: "No special rights." But that doesn't mean anything. What are special rights? Being treated like everyone else? Having the same legal protections as the rest of society? Please. It's a bullshit argument. Equal rights are not special rights.

Rather than recap the whole evening, visit The Mudflats for a pretty good play-by-play. I'd prefer to review some of the more humorous moments from the evening. To begin, this tongue-in-cheek sign:

Now look at the guy in the middle of the picture below. He was really funny. It's a little hard to see, but his sign, written in red, says "I'm just in it for the chicks" and has a swastika crossed out with a cross drawn next to it instead. He marched around with the Redshirts and it took them a while to figure out he was making fun of them.

It may seem mean or disrespectful to their point of view to trash the Redshirts like this (and it is definitely immature to make fun of them like I do, but inside I'm like twelve years old), but I think it is permissible here. I will always vigorously defend someone's right to speak their mind, even if their opinions are abhorrent to me. But I will not respect you if your opinion is ignorant or uninformed, as was the case last night. That most of the Redshirts didn't know the facts was made painfully clear when one of the City administrators announced to a throng of them that "If you want to testify on 64, you have to sign up." That led to this exchange:

Redshirt: "What's 64?"
Administrator: "Uh, it's the number of the ordinance."
Redshirt: "What do you mean?"

So, back to the teasing. Every subset of protestor was present last night--the guy who brings his bongo drums, the religious fanatics, the old hippies who sing We Shall Overcome, etc. But my favorite kind of protesters are the "silent-but-deadly" types--the ones who walk right up to the opposing side and just stand there, all up in their grills, holding a sign and not saying anything. This guy did that to Brendan and Brendan's response was perfect: he just held up the mini sign I made him in response to their "Truth Is Not Hate" meme (it says "Not Truth Is Hate"):

The Jesus Brigade was also out in full force. This woman was literally thumping a Bible all evening and seemed pretty mad (unfortunately, my camera battery died and she had put the Bible away by the time I secured a replacement and started snapping photos again. Note to self: always charge your camera before a protest). I think she was mad because no one sent her the "don't wear a blue shirt" memo. I affectionately called her Kimberly Jong-il:

Not to be outdone, this scary lady sprang into action. First she fished some little pamphlets out of her purse and then waved them around:

Then she came right up and yelled "NO SPECIAL RIGHTS!" right in my face. I was afraid.

And if you are wondering about that sweet scarf/head covering she is wearing, it's pretty awesome: it is festooned with I Heart Jesuses and angels:

This seems like a good time to talk about Redshirt style. And since Myster wasn't there, somebody has to do it. As the pictures above illustrate, being an Anti-Gay Activist does not imbue one with good fashion sense. These people made some bad choices:

For the active gay-hater who needs to go directly from the office to the protest, it's the new Jaclyn Smith line from JC Penney.

The girl in the middle: weird tunic-like thing and the worst. shoes. ever. to wear to a 6 hour long protest.

This guy breaks so many fashion rules that I lost count. His main sins: mis-matched tracksuit (misdemeanor) and socks with sandals in the first degree (10-20 years, min.)

I'm sorry, these guys are so gay. How long till they realize they are on the wrong side? And how long before their little friend throws away her Promise Ring and dates a 24 year old with a Camaro?

The highlight of the evening, style-wise, was this celebrity sighting: It's Dog the Bounty Hunter!

I think he saved that sign from an earlier protest because same-sex marriage was not even close to the issue being discussed. But I wouldn't expect this dickhead to know what was going on, he was too busy leading groups of kids around chanting "STRAIGHT IS GREAT!"

He was also yelling "If you're gay, jump!" to the people watching the protest from this bridge:

What an asshole. Let's make fun of him: First, he has a picture-perfect mullet. We have to acknowledge that; it really is a thing of beauty. But, as someone commented, "It must be nice to only have to use gel on the top of your head." His clothing fascinates me. Aside from the Oakley Thumper sunglasses/mp3 player combo, he is wearing a long sleeve shirt with a Harley Davidson flame logo, a short sleeve shirt over that and a leather vest with a totally creepy Jesus logo:

Here is a close-up of the logo. The banner on the top says "Jesus." The banner on the bottom says "Spiritual Freedom." In between there is a cross draped with a shroud and that is all in-between two opened hands breaking free from their chains. Who designs this stuff?

Unfortunately, all of the fun we were having was marred by a few things: (1) the realization that we have to debate equality at all. It's 2009, for Christ's sake haven't we moved past this? (2) the fact that so many people signed up to testify that the Assembly meeting ended before they could vote on the ordinance; and (3) this guy:

Mr. Dirtypants and Flashdance Shirt worried me. I saw that he was just standing around by himself and I thought he looked like he was waiting to start some trouble.

Of course, an hour later he punched someone in the face who made a derogatory comment about Jesus. Love thy neighbor! Here he is getting arrested:

The guy who got punched is okay, but his sunglasses were broken. Fortunately, this was an isolated incident and several people came over to apologize to the victim. Most everyone was behaved and the Anchorage Police Deparment did a great job.

Back to the funny stuff. These are things that were said or yelled by people within earshot:

“Look! It’s the kids from Big Love!”
"I wish I had kids so I could exploit them too."
"I wore this hat because I thought it could lead to us finding some common ground. We will always disagree on equality, but we can all agree that the Mets are awesome."
"I really want to be attracted to you, but you’re a racist."
(in response to the "Straight is great!" chant): "Straight’s not all it’s cracked up to be, especially in this town."
"It looks like it is really hard being Mrs. Alaska." RE: Mrs. Alaska, this was really weird. She was at the rally, very clearly on the red side (Apparently, Mrs. Alaska is a bitch.). At one point she walked into the street between the two sides of protesters, silenced the crowd, did one of those pageant wave things and then just walked away without saying anything. Very odd. And, serioulsy? An equal rights protest was the best gig she could get? You suck, Mrs. Alaska. Here is a picture from the ADN where she is marching hand-in-hand with her husband (is he automatically Mr. Alaska? Will someone please look into this, I want to know.):

“It’s not gay if it’s with a priest.”
"Is it still abstinence if you just do it in the ass?"
"If you want to be literal about the Bible and live under those rules, then give me your cell phone and you don’t get any medicine."
(after a Redshirt swiped a spider off of his shoulder): "So you hate animals too?"
"Well, you can’t find a gene that says you’re a dick, but you are one."
"You just hate Coldplay because Chuck Klosterman told you to."

No one on the other side was laughing, smiling, or cracking jokes. We had fun (which is what you have to do to prevent yourself from freaking out over the hate and ignorance spewing from the other side) and we are totally going to win. Because we are right.

May Mets Update

2009-05-26T09:53:00.002-08:00

It has been exactly a month since I last discussed the Mets. At that time, they were 8-10 and languishing at the bottom of the NL East. They are now 24-20 and are just a game out of first place. Overall, it's been a pretty good month, but because these are the Mets, there were, of course, some gloriously unspectacular episodes:

First, manager Jerry Manuel made one of the most bizarre coaching decisions ever seen. In the ninth inning of a game against the Marlins, with the game on the line, he decided to pinch hit for Raul Castro, the starting catcher. The decision to replace Castro with Omir Santos, the backup backup catcher, was a little strange because Castro's a pretty good hitter and he already had 3 hits on the day. There was simply no logical reason to hit Santos for Castro: Santos is having a good year (for him) and had hit a grand slam earlier in the week, but Castro is a much more accomplished and better hitter than Santos. But, fine, sometimes managers get hunches they want to play, and you have to have faith and give them the benefit of the doubt. Hunches aside, this is where it gets f-ing nuts: At the time Manuel decided to bring in Santos, he was nowhere to be seen. That's because was in the bullpen--on the opposite side of the stadium from home plate--in his full catcher's gear, warming up a pitcher. He was announced as the pinch hitter but first had to take off his gear and walk through the tunnels under the stadium (he couldn't run b/c he was wearing cleats and the tunnels are concrete) to get to the dugout, then grab a bat, then take some warm up swings and then step to the plate and hit against Florida's closer, who throws about 100 mph. That took about 10 minutes (Manuel would later be fined by MLB for delaying the game). Under those circumstances, I can't imagine someone more unprepared to come in and pinch hit than Santos was. That's what made this so crazy, and you knew there was no way he was going to get a hit in that situation. He didn't. The Mets lost.

A week later, the Mets played one of the sloppiest games you will ever see. They made 5 errors, had a runner miss third base and negate what would have been the winning run, then 2 outfielders almost crashed into each other and let a fly ball drop in for a hit in the 11th inning which led, naturally, to a game-ending error (committed by the backup centerfielder who was playing first base). Unbelievable.

And then, of course, there were the injuries: starting pitcher Oliver Perez was mercifully placed on the disabled list ~~because he sucks~~ with a knee problem; 2 relief pitchers got hurt (one with back spasms so bad that he collapsed in tears and had to go to the hospital); the starting first baseman and cleanup hitter injured his hip, is having surgery, and won't be back until August at the absolute earliest; the right fielder is out with a hamstring injury; the centerfielder is getting an MRI on his knee; the starting shortstop has been sidelined by leg injuries, the backup shortstop sprained his thumb, then the backup backup shortstop (who made 4 errors in his first 3 games) got hurt.

This past weekend, the Mets played the Red Sox at Fenway. Dr. Michelle and Chels were headed to Boston for the weekend and were going to a couple of games. They had an extra ticket and wanted me to come, but I couldn't make it. Fortunately, this was one of the few Mets games televised in Alaska and I was able to see them in their seats behind home plate every time a right-handed batter was up. There was some text messaging and they waved to me. They also sent me pictures of themselves eating hot dogs. They love tormenting me.

Why am I not married to at least one of these women?

Best. Compliment. Ever.

2009-05-20T07:32:00.003-08:00

Sierra Club Emily (to me): "I feel like the way your mind works is like it's an episode of I Love the '90s. Like, I could just say a word, like Zima, and you'd be like, "Zima? Let me tell you what the deal is with that... And then you'd talk about Zima for 10 minutes."

Douching It Up

2009-05-19T23:02:00.011-08:00

It's been over two months since we last checked in with KT and her douchebag collection. I've been meaning to write an update for a while, but the last three weeks have been filled with constant sun and warm(ish) weather, making it difficult to find time to sit down and write. But tonight I found inspiration in the form of The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

I didn't watch any of the other Real Housewives seasons, but after hearing the tagline for the NJ episodes, I couldn't pass it up: "Big drama, bigger hair." And the few minutes I watched tonight did not disappoint. For instance, there was this exchange between one of the housewives' 20ish-year-old sons:

Son #1: You just buy books so you can keep them in your room and say you have books. I buy books to read.
Son #2: Yeah, but that makes you a douche and that makes me a baller.

Son #2 followed that up by saying that his "goal in life is to open up 'the face' of strip clubs and car washes." I'm as confused as you are (and I am so worried about the future of our country right now). What does he mean by "the face"? I'm going to venture a guess and speculate that he means something akin to the standard bearer for the industry, or the most recognizable chain. Laudable goals, no doubt. And I really like that he doesn't force himself to choose from his two passions and limit himself to either strip clubs or car washes. Rather, he wants to shoot for the stars and master both. Good for you, Son #2! But I think he should consider combining them: a strip club/car wash sounds kind of cool.[1]

[1] I have some strip club and car wash stories that I can't share anywhere else, so I'm going to write about them here. First, I'm not really a strip club guy. I don't enjoy the experience mainly because I don't want the strippers to think I'm the kind of guy who enjoys strip clubs (note to all of my strip-club loving friends: I respect and support your hobby. I just don't want to go with you.). I've only been to strip clubs on four occasions: The first was when my uncle took me to one to celebrate my getting into law school. We wound up leaving the establishment early because on that particular night the strippers were only allowed to remove their tops. No full nudity allowed on weeknights (NJ has some strange laws). The second time was when my uncle decided to create a family tradition by taking my brother out to a strip club to celebrate his getting into medical school. I was forced to go along and Andrew and I spent most of the night paying the ladies to go away. The third time was at Lobo's bachelor party in St. Maarten. That involved a rented bus that had a dance floor, disco ball, and a bar. We went to like 40 strip clubs that night, all over the island. Some were uber sketchy (like the one located down a path littered with broken glass adjeacent to a barbed-wire fence (we called that one "Beirut")), some were dangerous (like the one where the guy lifted his shirt to reveal a gun in his waistband and suggested we leave), some were super-depressing (like the one that was empty before we got there and where one of the strippers was offering sex for $25), and one had really good barbecued chicken (seriously). The fourth time was at the tail end of Howard's bachelor party in Boston about two years ago. This is what I wrote about that one:

Inevitably, one guy will say, in reference to a dancer, "Man, she was really into me," or "We had a really strong connection." He's an idiot and should be slapped immediately.
When a stripper sits on your lap and tells you that you are really cute and she "really needs to get some ass because it has been a while," that is code for "you can pay me for sex." An appropriate response (if you don't wan to fuck a prostitute): "Here's $20. Go dance for my friend over there, it's his bachelah pahty." However, if you do want to fuck her, it is best to ask how much it costs before you actually do it. Right, Ari? (Just kidding. Sort of.)
Something you should never say to your girlfriend's brother: "Your sister is really hot. You should see her in a thong." (I'm looking at you, Richards.)
A phrase you should never utter within earshot of your girlfriend's father: "My psycho girlfriend..." (Still you, Richards).
If your best friend's father, a man who has known you since you were 10 years old (and who once prevented your own father from killing you after you totaled your dad's car) turns to you and says, "I really have a thing for Asian women," the appropriate response is to buy him a dance from the nearest available Asian stripper. It's even better if you can get the drunk guy next to you to pay for it.

I almost went to a strip club another time when I lived in San Francisco. A woman I had somehow (she was way too hot for me) convinced to go out with me really wanted to go to the Hustler Club on our first date. I agreed but was very scared and nervous leading up to it. Turns out my roommates wound up planning a long-discussed sushi rolling party at our apartment for that same night. And a different girl that I had a thing for was going to be there. So I cancelled the Hustler Club date and had a great time making sushi with Anita instead. Hustler Club and I went on our date the following week. We went out for a drink and then dinner. She paid for everything, then we went back to my apartment and made out for a little while. Then she left and called me a week later to tell me she was getting back together with her girlfriend. Anita and I wound up hanging out for a couple of months. Things ended right around the time I told her I was moving to Alaska for a three-month job. She said she knew I was going to stay in Alaska and would never move back to SF. I said she was crazy.

Regarding car washes, at a Christmas party in NJ last December I had a conversation about the state of the economy with a friend's uncle. He explained that he wasn't experiencing any financial problems as he "still gets his car washed every week." I found this quite odd. Is this an economic indicator? Should it be? Do people in America wash their cars that often? I live in Alaska where no one cares what they or their cars look like. Plus, there is so much dust, mud, rock and volcanic ash flying around that it is impossible to keep your car clean for more than 20 minutes unless you never drive it. No one I know gets their car washed that frequently (or washes it themselves that often--we do things on our own up here). I usually clean it myself, but I take it in for a professional thorough machine washing twice a year. The last time I took it in I learned the hard way that my sunroof leaks. There is just a small break in the seal, but that small opening allowed gallons of soapy/dirty car wash water to pour in all over my head. That was fun.

That was a long footnote, huh? Back to the main issue: the Real Housewives of NJ left me strangely conflicted. On one hand, having grown up in NJ, I found myself nostalgic for the Garden State and it's many many malls. Yet, on the other, I was so glad that I don't have to deal with those lunatics on a day-to-day basis anymore. But I digress. Remembering that NJ has the highest douche density in the country, I decided that I could wait no longer to share and comment on KT's Early Summer 2009 douchebag collection:

Stay classy, Long Island.

Is the guy on the right touching himself?

Female Douchebags: Douchebagesses?

Or does Douchebaguettes work better?

I look at this guy and I immediately think "Don't leave your drink unattended."

See what I mean?

His arm is bigger than her waist!

"Smugness is not a good quality."

Is he in the Douchebag Boy Scouts?

Here's a closeup. Is that the Douche Scouts merit badge for "niceness?"

OMG--there's two of them!

Why would anyone buy that shirt? Also, this is a rare sighting of the elusive Laconic Douchebag.

Dear ET: I miss you. Love, Elliot.

Does that even count as wearing clothes?

Reason #1 why you should learn how to use Facebook's privacy settings.

Tuesday Night Random #5

2009-05-05T23:56:00.003-08:00

In an effort to help stave off the post-election blues some of you may be experiencing, we provide another list of excellent procrastinatory material. Enjoy:

Melanie Griffith has lost her mind. Check out her official website.
I was recently called "boss," "slim," and "pampers" in the same day. By three different totally unrelated people.
What human being would really buy a jacket like this?
As McGeez explains, it's now cool to play Settlers of Catan. I no longer have to be ashamed of how I spent the majority of the summer and fall of 08, and the word catantrum will be officially enetered into the lexicon soon.
Speaking of games, though retired, Sandra Day is coming to a Wii near you.
Gmail just keeps getting better.
Fly to Mars with Google Earth.
Louis CK: Everything is amazing, no one is happy:

Podcasts: I was a little late to the podcast show. I didn't really start following any until last summer (right around the time I began my Catan addiction). Back then I was regularly listening to "Legal Lad's Quick and Dirty Tips for a More Lawful Life" (handy 5 minute summaries and explanations of legal concepts), This American Life, and NPR's Planet Money (a necessary tool if you want to understand derivatives, credit default swaps, collateralized debt obligations, LIBOR, etc.). Recently I have added a few more to the rotation: The Savage Love Podcast (Dan Savage, 'nuff said); TED Talks (the Technology Entertainment and Design Conference hosts smart interesting people and they talk about smart and interesting things--both audio and video are available); and my two absolute favorites: The BS Report (Bill Simmons) and the Adam Carolla Podcast (all of these are available through iTunes). Simmons has been one of my favorite sports/pop culture writers for some time, but as Steve Silver explained, he has really found his niche with the podcast:
Just when his writing schtick was starting to get a bit stale, Simmons has reinvented himself as a podcaster who has mastered the medium in a fairly short time. He has excellent guests- everyone from Chuck Klosterman to Seth Meyers to Mike "Ken Tremendous" Schnur- but his banter with his old, Yankee-loving buddy JackO is the best of all.
As for Carolla, back in the day (circa Love Line and the Man Show) I thought he was trying too hard to appeal to the frat boy sect. He's still sort of a male chauvanist and sometimes puts forth very lowest-common-denominator positions on social issues, but he is also a down-to-earth guy who has very telling insight into just about every aspect of human interaction and behavior. And he is hilarious. Check it out. This is what Silver wrote:
The ex-"Man Show" host has had an uneven career, but this podcast- already the world's most popular- is Adam in his element and at his best. And it's all because he got fired from his radio show a few weeks ago. The episode last week with Bill Simmons, in which Carolla went off on a 25-minute tangent about the Charles Manson murders and how he should have just hung out with the hippie chicks instead of carrying out the massacres, was the funniest thing I've heard in any medium in months.

Oh, White House. If only you knew how to use Photoshop.
The Kasper Hauser Comedy Hour's game show, Phone Call to the 14th Century. It's pretty funny:

Kasper Hauser: Phone Call to the 14th Century

The unrecognizable Internet of just 10 years ago.
Reason #14,362 why I love the internet of today: fuckyoupenguin.blogspot.com
Reason #14,363: Jose Canseco to fight a giant for money.

Overheard, Said, Heard, Whatever.

2009-05-04T22:11:00.004-08:00

"It's not screening if you're not willing to talk to anyone."
"Okay, so you're cuffed to the wall. Then what happened?"
Philosophy Professor (describing his colleague at a dinner party): "She teaches one philosophy class and all of a sudden she's Jean-Paul Sartre."
"It wasn't even an implication, it was fucking written right there."
Lawyer #1: "I want a job where I can be funny and creative all the time."
Lawyer #2: "I don't think criminal law is for you, then."
"I've been working a terrible shift, midnight to 7 am. But it's really not that bad because the supercomputer isn't very busy during that time."
"I've been out of school so long I've actually paid off one of my student loans."
Guy in Coffee Shop: “I might be moving.”
Girl in Coffee Shop: “Can I come with you?”
Guy in Coffee Shop: “What about your boyfriend? I thought that was going really well?”
Girl in coffee shop: "Doesn’t matter. Any relationship that involves me in a leading role is going to end badly."
"If you don't have a website, or if nothing comes up when I Google you, it's like you don't exist."
"I had good grades and people liked me, so everyone hated me."
"I'm glad I don't work in an industry where a leaked sex tape would help my career."

Our Own Swine Flu

2009-05-03T23:11:00.001-08:00

Is Alaska the only place on Earth where you have to rake up leaves in the spring? I don't get it. Did no one rake in the fall? Why are there so many leaves on the ground now?

As you may recall, a volcano erupted about six weeks ago and Anchorage got lightly dusted. Thus there is a layer of eruption residue on all of the leaves that surfaced after the snow melted. And most people don't know that you need to wet the leaves down before raking them up, otherwise you will just kick up a lot of ash--ash that is very irritating to the eyes, nose, and throat. And with all of that ash circulating in the air, there is a particular strain of the raking-leaves-volcanic-ash cough/sore throat going around. I know of at least six confirmed cases. And now I have it too, along with about a dozen mosquito bites, after raking up (part of) the yard this evening. And I was even wearing a mask that made me look like I was running from the Swine Flu. [1]

[1] I'm lying. I have a mask (part of my volcano preparedness kit), but I didn't wear it. I looked ridiculous.

Speaking of Swine Flu, I don't get it. It's just a bad flu, right? Is it only such a big deal because it has a funny name and it hit at a time decidedly outside of flu season? Do we have nothing else to talk about?

On a lighter note, I met Brendan for lunch downtown a few days ago. Looking at this picture, it's hard to believe we were in the same city, let alone the same climate zone: he's wearing a pastel-colored shirt, flip-flops and looks ready to hit the beach. I was wearing a fleece and a hat. Welcome to springtime in Anchorage.

You've Got That Patriotism In Ya

2009-04-30T10:59:00.005-08:00

Oh my. Sarah has like a whole bear draped over her couch:

Check out this short clip, from when the American Chopper guys stopped by her office. She's like the gift that keep on giving. I hope she stays in politics forever.

Reading Receipts

2009-04-28T23:50:00.002-08:00

My friend was on a date. It was going well. She invited him up to her apartment and they were standing outside her building as she searched for her keys. During the search a small piece of paper fell out of her pocket. Before he could say something or pick it up, the door was open and he was pulled inside.

He had a nice visit. As he left the building he stopped to light a cigarette. Throwing his spent match on the ground, he noticed the piece of paper that had fallen out of her coat pocket a couple of hours earlier. He picked it up.

What to do? Look at it? Save it and give it back to her? Just throw it away? It was clearly crumpled and could not be of much importance. He decided to look. It was a Costco receipt. This is what she bought:

1 box graham crackers
1 bag pretzels
2 pkgs smoked oysters
1 bag black licorice
1 jar squeeze mayo
something called "KSBUTTER QTR"
1 tub sour cream
1 bag stir fry vegetables
1 bag 50/70 count shrimp
something called "KSvegetables"
1 pkg herb sliced turkey
1 rotisserie chicken
2 pkgs sliced cheese
1 bottle polish/soda (huh?)
1 turkey wrap (probably a post-shopping snack)

He can't tell: Is there anything odd or strange about this list? Anything on it that can give him some insight into this woman's life that he should have but wouldn't otherwise be able to gain at this time? Any warning signs? (hello, 2 bags of smoked oysters? what's up with that?).

Check This Stuff Out

2009-04-28T23:31:00.001-08:00

Maria Kalman's illustrated trip to the Supreme Court.
Speaking of the Supreme Court, my friend Winston argued this case last week. He did a great job!
Volcano boarding?! Why don't we have that up here? I want to go (plus, you get a free mojito!).
I live in a 2-bedroom apartment that badly needs new carpet, new cabinets, and a new bakyard fence. The windows don't open and the house makes loud noises that totally freak out my dog. *Sigh*
Courtesy of Howard, the Most Intense Website Intro Ever. Brace yourself before clicking, and make sure the volume is on. Then click through to the site. It's super shady. Apparently, God directed them to open up an accounting firm to give "legitimate [religious] organizations an opportunity to receive tax-exempt status under our covering." Why don't I ever think of these things first? They must just be printing money over there.
Courtesy of Ian: So well-intentioned. But also so easy to laugh at.
Ever wonder what, exactly, the difference is between a slider and a cutter? Or a splitter and a forkball? Me too. This is the best looking explanation I've seen so far: Baseball pitches as illustrated by Lokesh Dhakar.

April Showers

2009-04-26T23:57:00.005-08:00

Too often, it seems, the early April enthusiasm I always feel for the Mets fades as May quickly approaches. This year, the Mets have been playing terribly inconsistent baseball, as evidenced by their 8-10 record. Problems abound: shoddy defense, paltry hitting with runners on base, and, aside from Johan Santana, the best pitcher in the National League thus far, the starting pitching has been awful. Not springing for the extra years or dollars to sign Derek Lowe may turn out to be a good decision down the road (investing $60 million over 4 years in a 36 year old pitcher is a little risky), but it looks really bad right now. Lowe's 6 innings per start, 2:1 strikeout to walk ratio, 1.24 WHIP, and 3.10 ERA would slot in so nicely behind Johan. Instead, we have Oliver Perez, signed to a shiny new 3-year, $36 million deal over the winter. To say that Lowe would be a huge improvement over Perez (who seems to be regressing with each start) and his 9.31(!) ERA does not even qualify as an understatement. Fortunately, with 89% of the season yet to be played, there is still time to turn it around. And, at least they're not the Yankees who play in front of a bunch of empty pricey field level seats every night because their fans fear being outed as spending too much money on tickets.

Kali (1997-2009)

2009-04-26T07:49:00.003-08:00

The end of an era. That's what it seemed like when my good friend Al called me a year or so ago and told me his dog Kali might not make it through the night.

I had known Kali for a long time--since 1998. Kali and my dog Josie were totally BFF when Al and I were in law school. They met at the very beginning of our first semester and played together all the time for three years. Then we were all rooomates in SF.

Kali and Josie playing in the VT woods

Kali and Josie lounging on my bed in SF

Kali made it through that night, but she never fully regained her health. She passed away last week, and that era is now officially over.

Despite the fact that she peed in my room on more than one occasion, constantly stole food right off my plate, barked at all the wrong times, and ran away every time I watched her, I loved and cared for Kali as if she were my own. I haven't seen her in a long time, but her passing saddens me, and I think Josie is sad too.

This is from the e-mail Al sent around on Friday:

Kali, my beagle, passed away yesterday afternoon peacefully after a short battle with sudden kidney failure. Each of you knew Kali and will remember that she certainly lived life on her terms and happily. As some of you may recall, I named her after a dog I knew while in Kenya named "Jua Kali," which means "burning sun" in Swahili. Totally unintentionally, the name "Kali" also happens to be the Hindu goddess associated with death and destruction. For those who knew her well, that was not an inaccurate prophecy. Anyway, here's a short doggie obituary:

Kali lived out her formative years in Vermont's green mountains. Many of you will recall the countless times she "ran away" during short hikes that became epic hikes. While in Vermont, Kali was briefly part of a South Royalton female dog triumvirate that included Ayla (the alpha female) and Josie (who thought she was the alpha female). They were notorius for ganging up on all the other local dogs (and each other). Sadly, Ayla, like James Dean, lived hard and fast and passed away a number of years after leaving Vermont. After vermont, Kali left the countryside and took up urban life in San Francisco. While there, she and Josie were roomates for some time on Guerrero Street in the Mission District. Kali spent most of her time in SF eating (and/or stealing) leftover burritos, spending time in our backyard garden (which became her and Josie's personal bathroom), and barking at anything that came close to our front door. She often enjoyed hikes out to Bernal Hill, Ocean Beach, Baker Beach, and Fort Funston Beach. Kali and Josie were appreciative when their owners spent a lot of time at home studying for the CA bar exam (twice). At the end of almost each day, Kali and Josie would go for a long walk together. Kali spent the majority of that time biting Josie's ear for no apparent reason. Although the attention was appreciated, Josie was usually more interested in chasing sticks. After San Francisco, Kali moved on slower and calmer Southern California life in San Diego. By this time, she had a new partner in crime and roomate - Kamir, a cat. Kali and Kamir became fast friends and in no time were troublemakers in their own right. I recall a time when they worked together to open a shut window in my San Diego loft, climbed under a small opening underneath a door, and escaped into the bowels of downtown San Diego. Kamir ended up making his way into a stranger's home 3 blocks away. Kali's 48 hr bender ended with a night in a dog pound about 30 minutes away. Like in San Francisco, Kali spent a lot of time on the beach, often in Coronado or Ocean Beach. Without Josie, Kali often preferred to go solo and spent most of her time sniffing every square inch of the beach and proceeding to pee on it afterwards (again and again to the point where all she had to offer the sand was a tiny small drop). After San Diego, Kali retired to Al's parent's house in the rolling hills of northern New Jersey. She spent her last days sleeping the day away in the doughnut-shaped bed she loved so much, which sat in a sun-drenched room overlooking the valley. Kali is survived by Kamir and her longtime friend, Josie, who is now living out her retirement in Anchorage, Alaska among moose.

If you remember Kali, or if you just think she's super cute and want to see more pictures, Al put some up on Flickr.

Rest in peace, Kali.

No Art for WAR

2009-04-20T23:15:00.002-08:00

For the first time in state history, a nominee for the head of a state agency failed to be confirmed by the Legislature. WAR, the presumptive AG, kept it all in perspective:

"I had a neat office for two and a half weeks and I was attorney general under the law for two and a half weeks for the state of Alaska. And the big question I have now is whether they will put my picture up with the other (former attorneys general) for only two and a half weeks' service," Ross said.

That's his big question? Not how a shoo-in confirmation process completely went off the rails? Any time an important decision doesn't work the way it was intended, it has to be considered a bad decision, right? Picking WAR as the choice for AG was a bad decision. Just another in a line of controversial choices that have backfired as Governor Palin continues to pander to the far right. But let's get back to the question at hand: should WAR's portrait hang among Alaska's past Attorneys General? (Yes, it really is spelled that way. I don't know why.) I hope this becomes a scandal. And knowing the AK, it probably will.

I don't know if there are weird rules written somewhere governing these official portraits, but if there are, at the very least, the criteria should be simple: only those who actually served as the Attorney General should be captured on the canvas. Know why WAR shouldn't have his picture there? He was never the Attorney General! Done and done. Article 3, Section 25 of the Alaska Constitution makes that clear. It states, in pertinent part:

The head of each principal department shall be a single executive unless otherwise provided by law. He shall be appointed by the governor, subject to confirmation by a majority of the members of the legislature in joint session, and shall serve at the pleasure of the governor, except as otherwise provided in this article with respect to the secretary of state.

WAR was appointed by the Govenor, but that's where his story ends (not to be confused with HIStory). He was subjet to confirmation, but he did not get confirmed. So he goes down in history as what?

After WAR was nominated, I thought it a little odd and premature that the Dept. of Law immediately put his name on all of their pleadings (they have since gone back to just "Attorney General"). He then moved into an office in Juneau and was presumptively engaging in AG-type activities while waiting for what was basically his second interview, which would be in front of the Legislature. Does this happen in the real world? Do you get letterhead and start working in your office before you are hired? Not at any job I've ever had. Was he getting paid during these two weeks? Probably not if he wasn't even officially hired yet (but knowing Alaska government, he probably was).

We know WAR wasn't the interim AG, Rick Svobodny would still hold that post until confirmation was complete, thus WAR, the soon-to-be-savior of the Dept. of Law, was technically the intern AG. Sounds about right: 2 weeks, some experience, no pay. Classic internship. I wonder if he can get credits towards graduate work at UAA?

The Intern AG. I love it. I could totally write a sitcom about an intern who winds up taking over for a comatose, dead (like Weekend at Bernies dead, not real dead), crazy, or sick AG and while hijunks ensue, justice is meted out fairly and promptly. Thoughts on casting?

Best. Politics. State. Ever.

2009-04-16T13:47:00.007-08:00

And the soap opera continues. Following up on the previous post:

A lawyer for the state legislature issued an opinion stating that it was illegal for the Governor to submit more than one nominee for Senator Elton's seat.
The senate democrats said, in light of this opinion, that they would not vote on Palin's nominees.
In response to the opinion, Attorney General Nominee WAR said we shouldn't worry about what is legal or illega l and instead should just focus on getting someone in the seat. (Um, what? Shouldn't the Atty General, of all people, be worried about what is legal?)
Palin says she didn't nominate three people, she just listed her top three favorites for the open seat.
Palin's second-favorite person for the seat withdrew his name from consideration.
The legislature voted 35-23 AGAINST confirming WAR as AG.

Isn't this state great? I totally wouldn't even have a blog if I lived in Indiana.

This Month in Sarahdise

2009-04-15T07:10:00.002-08:00

This all happened in the past month, I think. I may have some of the facts wrong and/or out of order, but I'm about 90% sure that this is at least 80% accurate. [1] Welcome back to the soap opera that is the Palin Administration Post-November 2008:

Senator Kim Elton, from Juneau, resigned from his seat to take a position in the Obama Administration.
Per state law, Governor Palin had to appoint a Juneau Democrat to the seat, and her selection had to be approved by a majority of the nine Democrats in the state Senate.
Per custom, the Democrats first submitted the name of a nominee to the Governor.
Governor Plain rejected it.
Governor Palin chose perhaps the most contentious appointee ever to be the new State Attorney General. [2]
The Democrats submitted three different names for Elton's seat.
Governor Palin rejected all three.
Governor Palin nominated a guy for the seat who had been a democrat for about three weeks.
Governor Palin's husband's half sister was arrested for breaking into someone’s house in Wasilla three times and stealing between $400 and $2600.
The Senate did not approve Governor Palin's selection to fill Senator Elton's seat.
Levi Johnston, the teenage father of Governor Palin's grandson, went on the Tyra Banks Show to talk about his relationship with Governor Palin's daughter. [3]
Governor Palin nominated a different candidate to fill Elton's seat.
The Senate Democrats rejected this choice.
Governor Palin submitted three names as nominees for the seat. Two of them had previously been rejected by the Senate, the third has been a Democrat for about six weeks and is not likely to be approved.
To be continued....

[1] Yes, 60% of the time it works every time.

[2]Wayne Anthony Ross's selection has been derided by nearly every interest group in existence (except the NRA). He is quite the controversial figure: much has been written about disparaging comments he has made against the gay community (he called gay people "degenerates"), his opposition to Alaska Native rights (he is against a Native preference for subsistence hunting and fishing), his dislike of environmentalists (he (allegedly) once sprayed an environmental fundraiser held near his house with machine gun fire (relax, he (allegedly) used blanks), and his (supposedly) extremely callous views towards domestic violence victims. Just when you think it can't get any worse, today a story broke about how back in 1991 WAR wrote an op-ed defending an art project at UAA that included a statue of a KKK member. I fully agree with his legal analysis, that the piece, offensive as it may have been, was an expression of free speech by the artist. But the troubling part about this is not WAR's legal position (The answer to offensive speech, after all, is not censorship. It is more speech.). Rather it is his insensitive, somewhat-mocking comments towards a student who objected to the display. By themselves, these comments may not seem so bad. But they help to evidence a clear pattern of cultural insensitivity. Given the other unsavory items that have surfaced re: WAR recently, one has to wonder if the Palin Administration wishes they could call for a do-over.

[3] Levi has his last name tattooed on his arm. Nice. I wonder how that would have affected the poll?

Making Cents

2009-04-14T21:50:00.004-08:00

I don't understand how our economy is going to recover if we still don't actually make anything in this country anymore. As my friend Alex put it the other night, "We all just go to meetings." So very true. And meetings rarely produce anything valuable. [1]

[1] Meetings do, however, have a tendency to produce lots of deadlines. Though of questionable economic value, "I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."

I polled some other friends and they could only come up with three American companies that actually make things: Apple, Boeing, and Neighbor Julie's boyfriend who makes custom adventure cycling gear. We are so screwed. That's why I'm reading this book.

Tea Time

2009-04-14T18:46:00.001-08:00

Have you heard about these Republican "teabagging"parties scheduled to take place tomorrow? Now, I'm all for a good political protest, but is there any clearer proof that the Right is totally out of touch than the fact that NO ONE TOLD THEM WHAT TEABAGGING MEANS?

Hello People

2009-04-14T16:08:00.000-08:00

Wow. A shout-out from Progressive Alaska and all of a sudden Situational Ethics has another 100 readers/day. Exciting. Thanks. Welcome.

My Take on the Hubub

2009-03-30T09:50:00.002-08:00

Quite a stir among Alaska politicos this weekend: On Friday, Alaska State Representative Mike Doogan revealed the identity of the blogger behind The Mudflats, a very popular local political blog that gained quite a following for its open and honest criticism of Gov. Palin. Doogan, himself a Democrat and a former newspaperman, outed the formerly anonymous author known only as AKMuckraker in his constituent e-mail newsletter:

"The identity of the person who writes the liberal Democratic Mudflats blog has been secret since the blog began, protected by the Anchorage Daily News, among others. My own theory about the public process is you can say what you want, as long as you are willing to stand behind it using your real name. So I was interested to learn that the woman who writes the blog is Anchorage resident [redacted]"

I'm going to respect her privacy and desire for anonymity and will not reprint her name here. But Doogan put it out there for all to see (though at first he got her last name wrong). In an interview, he expanded on his reasoning:

"If this was a group of people sitting around the living room, relentlessly attacking public figures, that would be one thing. But she's been doing that on the Internet--which goes everywhere--for the better part of the year, and she's allowed to do that anonomously? Where's the benefit of that to our state or our country?"

The short answers to Doogan's two questions are: (1) Yes, she is allowed to do that anonymously. And (2), the benefit is that the lack of any mandatory identification law or rule allows for the marketplace of ideas to be filled with additional thoughts, discussion and debate. But more on that later.

Doogan's actions--which shape up as a personal vendetta to out this woman--have resulted in a pretty big backlash. AKMuckraker's initial reaction is here, and you can find a ton of links to other criticism and analysis here.

Anonymity can never be guaranteed in this forum. But a blogger can take steps to protect her privacy and AKMuckraker did so. Her choice to remain anonymous was respected by many, including the Anchorage Daily News. However, when you get into this game, you run the risk of being exposed, and should the preventative measures you put in place fail, you can't cry about it. That's the nature of the business.

That being said, it was inappropriate for a sitting legislator to make it his mission to our her. This whole thing leaves a bad taste in my mouth. It really bothers me, both as a blogger and as someone who spends a lot of time contemplating the balance that should be struck between freedom of speech, an individual's right to privacy, and the public's need to have open access to information. In fact, it has bothered me so much that my companion for dinner on saturday night and breakfast on sunday morning asked me to "please stop talking about it already." I'll stop, but in just a couple more minutes. Here are my reasons why Mike Doogan was wrong:

Mike Doogan is not the Ethics Police and no law was broken. Doogan admits that he decided to reveal her identity because his "own theory about the public process is you can say what you want, as long as you are willing to stand behind it using your real name." So he force-fed his own code of journalistic principles and his view of what participation in public debate should look like down AKMuckraker's throat. That's a code that isn't written down anywhere, by the way. There is no law requiring an individual to reveal their identity when making a statement (in most cases). That's the beauty of the First Amendment. You can say what you want, and if what you say may be unpopular you can hide behind a blog, a mask, or a white hood. In some cases (like those racist assholes with the hoods), anonymity is the direct result of the speaker's cowardice, but that is not the case here. AKMuckraker was criticizing Sarah Palin and promoting her own political point of view. If she wanted to do so without signing her name, that was her right and Mike Doogan had absolutely no moral authority to take that right away from her.
There is good policy behind protecting anonymous Internet speech. AKMuckraker is not a professional journalist. Many brave journalists tackle issues that bring with them the specter of political retribution. Writing strongly about a controversial topic carries risk. But professionals are (usually) supported by their employers and colleagues and it is their job to take those risks and to write truthfully and honestly. A private blogger is not a member of the newspaper club and is not afforded those same protections. If such a person chooses to publicly express herself but remain anonymous because she does not want her writing to conflict with the rest of her life, that's her right. Remaining anonymous allows her to prodcue content that thousands and thousands of people read on a daily basis. If she loses the protection of anonymity, she can no longer write and the public forum and the marketplace of ideas loses a voice (just like in Pump Up The Volume).
Doogan fails to grasp how blogs work as a news medium. AKMuckraker is not a reporter for a major paper. She's a mom with a blog. That's the beauty of the Internet: everyone can have a voice now (that's the benefit to our state and country, since you asked, Mike). Doogan isn't straight-up opposed to this, I'm sure he supports the First Amendment. Instead he takes issue with the amount of influence she has. He explained that if she were having these discussions with her friends in her living room that would be fine. But in his view, because she broadcasts her opinions to the world there is a concomittant obligaiton to identify herself. The problem with this is that there is no objective standard to measure when one must reveal their previously-anonymized identity. What if she had just 50 readers? Could she keep her privacy then? What if she only intended for her readership to be small, but thousands of people sought out and wanted to read her opinions? Should she be punished for that? At what point (under Doogan's theory) did she lose the right to remain anonymous? Doogan seems to fear that voters and politicians will bow to her influence without knowing who she is. Much like the public has a right to know what interest groups are funding certain legislative efforts, if you are seriously considering the arguments raised on The Mudflats, you should consider the source: politicians and the public shouldn't put too much faith in an anonymous private blog (see, e.g., the Wizard from The Wizard of Oz). But we can if we want to. Or if her ideas carry less weight becuase they are anonymous, so be it and let the marketplace of ideas dictates the value of her words.
It was inappropriate for a sitting legislator to engage in this activity. It was no easy task for Doogan to track down her identity, and it is sounding more and more like he was on a little bit of a crusade. He specifically said he was upset that "she's allowed to do that anonymously." So, he was miffed that (1) she was "getting away" with something that he could not do when he was a paid professional journalist, and (2) no one was taking her to task over it. But, as explained above, Mike Doogan is not the Internet Police. Or even an Internet ethics specialist. When did this become his responsibility? And to throw his own question back to him, what value have his actions conferred upon our state? My opinion is that our elected representatives should not be spending gov't time on such personal pet projects, and that they probably have more important things to be working on right now like, oh, I don't know, the gas pipline, the debate over the death penalty, or a certain Governor's attempt to disregard the Alaska Supreme Court and whittle away reproductive rights.

In conclusion, Mike Doogan gets two thumbs down from Situational Ethics.

WARtime Consigliere

2009-03-26T23:58:00.002-08:00

Tom Hagen wasn't a wartime consigliere. Neither was Talis Colberg. Both were replaced. Hagen by the Don himself and Talis by Wayne Anthony Ross ("WAR").

Talis resigned as the Attorney General last month (and is now planning a mayoral run) and today Governor Palin announced WAR as his replacement. WAR is a seasoned litigator, an Alaska political veteran, and a staunch gun rights advocate--he has served in an official capacity for the NRA for some time (since back when muskets were all the rage, I think). And, this being Alaska politics, he is of course quite a character. The ADN pulled up some old stories from his previous runs for governor, and those stories combined with his law firm bio paint quite a picture.

Let's get to know the new AG:

Fact: He drives a Hummer.

Fact: His Hummer is famous (locally) for having "WAR" vanity plates. Here is the WAR Mobile decorated with camouflage and flags for a 4th of July parade. You have to look really close though--it's kind of hard to see the Hummer hidden behind the camo (kind of like trying to find the Fridge in this picture) and the license plate is slightly obscured by a totally hard-core winch.

Fact: He was sort-of anti-Patriot Act back in the day, saying it "needs a substantial amount of review."
Fact: He owns an American flag necktie.

Probably a fact: He is the only current Attorney General anywhere in the US who has had articles printed in Soldier of Fortune, Wild Sheep, the Washington Arms Collectors Gun News, and Gun Week magazines.
A fact as far as I am concerned: He reminds me of a modern-day Ulysses S. Grant. See for yourself:

Redoubt Redux

2009-03-23T14:58:00.004-08:00

Mt. Redoubt finally blew last night. The first eruption was at 10:38 and there have since been about five subsequent eruptions shooting ash and gas nearly 60,000 feet into the sky. I learned about the first eruption through a friend's status update on Facebook. I never thought about the value of social networking technology during a natural disaster, but it really came in handy last night. In addition to sharing information (like this NPR Car Talk segment on how to protect your engine from sucking in ash), I followed the volcano's activity through the Alaska Volcano Observatory's Twitter feed.

Remember when LA Gov. Bobby Jindal mocked volcano monitoring? Here it is in case you missed it:

I don't know, seems kind of important now.

So far Anchorage has escaped unscathed and undusted, but some small towns in the Susitna and Kuskowim valleys have been hit hard, and lots of flights have been cancelled. Good thing Bobby J. isn't running our state. Although, we have someone whose blind political ambition is causing her to try to turn down hundreds of millions of dollars in federal aid for our schools, social services, and energy projects. I'm not sure who is more dangerous right now.

This has absolutely nothing to do with the volcano, but in the face of a natural disaster and the politicalization of state services funding, I think it is important that we not lose our sense of humor. With that, I pose this question: What's the deal with John Tesh? Here is a clip of him performing the NBA theme song he wrote. The unintentional comedy is off-the-charts. He tells a cute little story about how he came up with the tune, but then at the 1:15 mark he starts jumping around and is either pretending to dribble a basketball or is playing air piano. But it really gets weird at 2:20 when a guy who looks like he stepped off the cover of the Sgt. Pepper album shows up. We see him again at 2:45 alongside a guy who might be G.E. Smith.

Seriously, who goes to these shows? Enjoy.

Overheard (or in a few cases just regular heard) in Anchorage

2009-03-17T07:07:00.004-08:00

Recently overheard [1] at various locales around town:

"She's still in the bathroom. She says she's so drunk she can't feel it when she wipes."
"I liked him more when I really didn't know anything about him."
"I should call her. I haven't heard from her since I left her in the bathroom at a bar a year ago."
"Spending time with people you wouldn't normally hang out with, whom you don't necessarily like and who drive you crazy, and having to care about them, that's what family is all about."
"I'm not really all that into her. It's just that she's alive and she's here."
College Student #1: She’s crazy.
College Student #2: What’s her major?
College Student #1: Art.
College Student #2: Yeah, art majors are nuts.
Woman on cell phone shopping for a gift at a bookstore: “Hello, Steve? I have a question for you: do you ever read books? No. Okay.” (Woman leaves store.)
Guy in Suit #1: “I've been taking Ambien a lot.”
Guy in Suit #2: “Isn't that addictive?”
Guy in Suit #1: “Probably, but whatever. Addiction is only a problem if you can't get whatever it is you're addicted to.”
"I'll have Sudanese security with me because I have connections with the rebel army."
Overheard in the steam room at the gym: "You know what this country's government was founded on? Christianity. You know what our schools were all founded on? Christianity. You know what the problem with this country is? There are too many religion and not enough Christianity in the schools. You got Buddhism, Hinduism, Taoism, Jewish, (pause) You-dhism. I mean, how do you tell someone their religion is wrong if they were raised on it?"
"He's a professor now. It's perfect for him--he gets to listen to himself talk all day and sleep with his students."
Normal Looking Guy #1: "I’ve been hanging out with this girl that is really hot, like legitimately hot—I don’t even mean Anchorage hot. I mean, she is real-world hot. I shouldn’t even know a girl this hot, let alone be dating her."
Normal Looking Guy #2: "That’s great. I'm only able to date women who are objectively on the level of what I should be able to attract."
“Canadians think they are so great. What did they ever do? They invented hockey? Big deal. Anybody could have done that. All they're doing is hitting a rock on the ice with a stick.”
Male: Wait, why would you be mad if he called you just for sex?
Female: Because he doesn’t know me well enough to just ask for sex.
Male: But your whole relationship is based on sex. You’ve only been out twice and you slept with him both times. You’ve spent a total of like ten hours with him and half of that time you were sleeping. The other half you were having sex!
Female: I know. My life is full of irony.

[1] I cheated a little. A few of these weren't overheard but were just said to me.

He Was The Bad Guy In Timecop

2009-03-16T08:20:00.001-08:00

Actor and political activist Ron Silver died last night. I didn't agree with his politics--he switched from being a Dem to being a blind Bush supporter after 9/11--but I loved him as Bruno Gianelli on the West Wing and he was cast perfectly as himself in the 1999 Ben Stiller/Owen Wilson/Jack Black creation Heat Vision and Jack. Never heard of it? That's because they only made a pilot. All you need to know about the show can be gleaned from the character descriptions:

Jack Austin (played by Jack Black): Former employee of NASA, Jack Austin flew too close to the sun on one space expedition and was “exposed to inappropriate levels of solar energy” causing his brain to expand “like cookie dough”, making him “three times smarter than the smartest man in the world”. NASA wants to remove his brain to study it. He appears to lose this superintelligence at night, requiring only Earth-normal levels of daylight to reactivate it. His catchphrases are "I know EVERYTHING!" and "Knowledge is power... for real."

Heat Vision (voiced by Owen Wilson): With Jack trying to escape from NASA agents, he called his unemployed roommate Doug for help. However, when Doug arrived on his motorcycle, he was shot with an “experimental ray” by the NASA agents, merging him with his bike. He is capable of speech and can fight by ramming into opponents. He is unable to use doorknobs and is unable to right himself if pushed over. In sum, Heat Vision is a talking motorcycle and he and Jack are on the run from NASA and are "blocked at every turn...by adventure."

Ron Silver (played by himself): A “very dangerous man, a gifted actor, and a cold blooded killer”. Hired by NASA to stop Jack Austin at any cost. He appears to be invulnerable, shrugging off the threat of being shot and later displaying great annoyance but no injury or pain when he actually is shot.

The Sheriff (played by Christine Taylor): At first, The Sheriff wondered how "high" Jack Austin’s rocket ship went when he “got totally baked” by the sun, nevertheless she eventually trusts Jack after Ron Silver flips a table at her. They also have a brief romance.

It was hilarious. I can't believe it didn't get picked up. Actually, I can. If you haven't seen it, and if you like Ben Stiller (before he started playing the same character in every movie) and Jack Black (same), and if you have 30 minutes, you can watch it here. Go ahead. Do it for Ron Silver. (Note: the link is to part one. There are three 10 minute segments).

Pledge Your Allegiance

2009-03-12T11:57:00.004-08:00

Levi and Bristol broke up. Shocker. The end of this century's fourteenth-greatest romance is proving to be even more divisive than Bristol's mom's politics.

Where do you come down? Team Bristol or Team Levi? Go here and vote. FYI, I roll with Levi.

Status Update

2009-03-11T15:55:00.009-08:00

With the implementation of Facebook's new layout, I thought this would be a good time to follow up on my previous post about the Facebook. First, thanks for all of the positive feedback about that one; I'm glad you all liked it. Second, I know many of you are wondering if the surprise star of that post, KT, has added to her douchebag collection. The answer is yes. Oh my, yes. And she has even expanded to include a subset of the doucheoisie that I didn't even know existed. But I will save those pictures for the end. Feel free to scroll down now if you are dying to see them. If not, indulge me for a moment as I am feeling extra snarky today.

I recently read this article about why Facebook is dumb. It's not a terribly convincing or original piece, but as Steve Silver points out, this part nails it:

Then, of course, there is the crushing anticlimax of people re-entering your life who might've fallen away into your past, because in each other's past is where you mutually belong. Perhaps you haven't seen them in 20 years. Perhaps she was the cheerleader whose shapely legs fired your imagination in geometry class, whose smile could heat the gymnasium, whose jojoba-enriched hair you smelled when you broke into her locker and pulled some strands from her brush, dropping it in a Ziplock baggie, taking it home to fashion an effigy for your hair-doll shrine.

Now you're left on Facebook, desperately trying to recapture the magic by paging through photos of her freckly kids at Busch Gardens, stalking her like some kind of weirdo. She's 15 pounds heavier now. But that's okay, next to her husband, a red-faced orb who used to be a hale three-sport athlete, whose only physical exertion now appears to be curling gin-and-tonics and power carb-loading. But her words are still a caress, as even pixels carry the melodious lilt of a voice that perfumes the air like April birdsong, when she status-updates you and 738 of her closest friends, with: "Madison ate bad clams last night. Boy, does her tummy hurt!!! :-("

Yeah, we've all been there. Now, without further ado, more of B-Dice's thoughts on the wonder that is the Facebook:

If you are over 30 years old and all of your pictures involve you or your friends drinking, you clearly have a problem. Go get help. Also, you are lame; go back to MySpace.
You don't need to post every picture from your kid's birthday party at the gymnastics studio, your pre-packaged tour of the Outback, or your recent weekend trip to The Cape with Chet and Cecile. Just pick out a few good ones. You don't have any good ones? Make some. It's called Photoshop.
Even though it's just a status update, it's still a sentence. Proper grammar and spelling are not optional.
Facebook has great privacy settings. There are ways to prevent your co-workers, your mother, and the people you don't know very well from seeing all of those embarassing pictures of you. It does, however, take a little bit of intelligence and a dash of website navigation skill. I'm not going to tell you how to do it because I want to keep looking at your pictures.
Speaking of pictures, what's with the itty-bitty-teeny-tiny ones? Don't you check them after you upload them? If you upload a picture and it requires an electron microscope to make out who is drinking that yard of beer with you, what's the point? Do it over, we'd all appreciate it.
Those of you who are real photographers and have real cameras? I hate you. Stop showing off. You are going to make me go into further debt because now I need to buy a fancy camera with shutter speed controls and all of that shit. Just post some pictures of yourself drinking through a funnel already.
Finally, Allison Saraco, the love of my life during the second and third grades, where are you? Why don't you have a Facebook profile? Please make one soon. Thanks.

Now for the good stuff. Here is the Spring 2009 update on KT's Douchebag Collection:

Is that a cell phone on his belt?

Why are these pictures all foggy? I bet there was a smoke machine involved.

Those guys are all wearing the same shorts!

You may recognize him from his previous appearance two pictures ago. He looks good all dressed up. And by "all dressed up" I mean "jacket over his t-shirt."

He looks too old for that haircut.

Good lord.

That is the ugliest tie I've seen since 1987. And I hate this guy's purple shirt with white collar.

What do you call a female douchebag?

Can girls even be considered douchebags, or is the term limited to guys?

I have no doubt that all of these ladies would be douchebags if they were dudes.

I have discovered something of a phenomena in perusing KT's photos. Apparently, douchebags like to give the finger to photographers. Witness:

Did you see how clever that last guy was? He's my favorite. That's how I would do it too, all sublte and punk-like with my ripped jeans and my checkerboard thigh patch.

I will so get my ass kicked if any of these people see this. Please don't tell them.

Mixing Metaphors

2009-03-06T15:28:00.001-09:00

I mashed up a few well-known sayings and accidentally came up with these gems during two separate conversations yesterday:

Don't count all of your eggs before they're in one basket.
You have to bottle the lightning while it's hot.

Go Speed Dater Go!

2009-03-05T21:02:00.008-09:00

There are a ton of people running for Mayor of Anchorage right now. What was this poor voter to do? I found myself confused; I didn't know how to sort through them all. I wanted to know if there was a really special one that I could connect with. One who shared my hopes and dreams. One I could just talk to and know that everything was going to be all right. So what did I do? I went on a Mayoral Speed Dating adventure: 10 mayoral candidates (some very legit, some less-than-serious) go to a bar and position themselves at individual small tables. Groups of 3-5 "young professionals" then spend 3 minutes asking questions and talking to each candidate before moving on to the next table. Then there was a break for food and drinks followed by a second longer round that allowed for slightly more in-depth conversation. Noted dating expert Myster explains it in more detail and interviewed the brains behind the event.

10 candidates showed up and were allowed to participate. One arrived unannounced and wasn't allowed in. I saw him yelling at some people and causing a scene on the street. He looked like he was going to rob a jewelry store (and then definitely get caught) and had some sort of weird tubing and foil prop with him. See for yourself. I hope that by not participating last night he didn't hurt his chances of winning too much. Anyway, this is what I learned about the candidates, in no particular order:

Walt Monegan: Most famous for his role in the Troopergate scandal, Monegan has an extensive public safety background. I was curious about how he would handle the politics of the mayor's office w/r/t dealing with the Governor and what his views on some social issues were. People are speculating that if he was elected, Governor Palin would exact revenge by sticking it to Anchorage. Monegan had a thoughtful answer regarding his relationship with the Governor. He said he has no problem with her (though he didn't say whether she had a problem with him), mentioned that she sent him a Christmas card (but she sent me one too), and explained that the fears of any Anchorage retribution are unwarranted: "42% of the State lives in Anchorage. She can't, and won't, ignore or do anything to that many voters." Regarding the social issues, he explained that he is "98% pro-choice, 2% pro-life." Though he has issues with abortion, he supports choice and even recounted a very personal story about when he and his wife were faced with a difficult pregnancy decision. I like Walt. I just don't think he is the right choice for Mayor. But lets put him back in an important public safety position.
Matt Claman: Great guy; he is also the acting Mayor of Anchorage (filling in for Sen. Begich who had to leave the post a little bit early for his new job in DC.). He seems really tired. I venture to guess that the job is taking a toll on him and he may not want to be the mayor anymore. As one of my table-mates said last night, "I wish he was my friend's dad so I could go to his house for dinner and hang out with him, but I don't want him to be mayor."
Energy Guy: I don't remember his name, and he's not a serious candidate. All he talks about is "human energy," or something like that, and how we need to harness it. And he kept holding up a glass of water and saying "This isn't water--it's hydrogen." Not sure if that is his campaign slogan or not. He also had three pairs of glasses with him. I wish I had time to ask him about that. Next.
Denim Man: I don't remember his name either, but I do remember that he was wearing a denim shirt and jeans. And as far as I'm concerned that automatically disqualifies you from being the chief executive of the largest city in the state. No double-deniming allowed.
Paul Honeman: Another former cop. And he really looks like a cop. Like a movie cop. Seems like a nice guy who wants to take charge. He talked a lot, but didn't say much (odd how that happens sometimes). I learned this: he coached Anchorage's favorite son Scotty Gomez in high school and he "has no problem" with teaching Intelligent Design in the public schools. Though, in fairness, I don't think he was expecting the ID question and I don't think he really knew what it was. I also caught him sending a text message while another candidate was speaking during the end-of-the-evening wrap-up where each candidate got 90 seconds to share their thoughts on how the event went.
Billy Ray Powers: I love this guy. He built a 25-foot snowman ("Snowzilla") in front of his house. The City told him to get rid of it. He didn't. And now he's running for mayor to "stand up for the little guy." He actually had two ideas that made me go "huh, that's a really interesting creative thought." Unfortunately I can't remember what they were. He also said that he makes $100,000/yr and can't afford his house. That makes me think he doesn't have the best fiscal management sense in the world.
Sheila Selkregg: Currently an Assemblywoman in Anchorage, Sheila is very passionate, enthusiastic, and truly wants to make Anchorage a better place to live. The definition of liberal and progressive. I like Sheila; she's great.
Dan Sullivan: Another current Anchorage Assembly member, Dan is the top Republican candidate in the field. He says that he is a fiscal conservative and is not necessarily conservative on social issues, but he failed my test. First, I asked him if he would support amending the Anchorage Equal Rights Ordinance to include sexual orientation as a class protected from discrimination. [Real quick law lesson: it is unlawful to discriminate in employment, public accommodations, sale or rental of property, or other state action based on someone's race, religion, sex, national origin, physical/mental disability, pregnancy, age, or marital status. However, it is not unlawful to discriminate against someone because of their sexual orientation. So, until the law is changed, or until the courts get with the program, someone can be fired from their job simply because they are gay.] He thought that sexual orientation was protected and he seemed really confused when I explained that it wasn't. That was disconcerting. You want your Assembly members and mayoral candidates to know the law, don't you? He wouldn't commit to supporting a change in the law to prevent this type of discrimination, but he said he wouldn't hire or fire someone because of sexual orientation. Total politician answer. He also said he wouldn't oppose the teaching of Intelligent Design in the City's schools. "Evolution is just a theory too," he said. Not. Getting. My. Vote. Not a chance. And he shouldn't get yours either.
Eric Croft: Croft spent 10 years in the AK House of Representatives. His dad was a politician too--Chancy Croft was in the Alaska Legislature from 1969-1978. Eric is a true Alaska Democrat: practical approaches to financial matters and resource issues, pro-choice, pro-gun (he won the 2003 NRA Defender of Freedom and Gun Rights Legislator of the Year awards), pro-privacy, pro-open government. A solid candidate with a good plan for Anchorage. I like him a lot.
Bandana/Ponytail/Pinky Ring(!)/Tie Dye Dude: Vehemently pro-gun, pro-military, and pro-life. Had lots of keys. Lots and lots of keys. Didn't get to ask him about that though. He also wants to institute a "drinking license" to deal with Anchorage's alcohol problem. Basically, you get the license like you would get a driver's license and you have to present it to purchase any type of alcoholic beverage. But you will lose the license if you commit an alcohol-related offense. Unfortunately, his plan did not take into account all of the racial and other civil-liberties implications inherent with such a requirement. And he obviously hadn't really thought about them much before because he didn't have any good answers. Also, he was wearing velcro sneakers. That's another one of my litmus tests: I will never vote for a candidate who wears velcro. How can you lead if you can't tie your shoes?

Acclaimed Shoe Enthusiast and Critic Myster has the KTUU Channel 2 news coverage of the event posted on her blog. I'm sending you to Myster to watch it because the KTUU website is terrible and buggy. And I'd much prefer that she gets the page views. Things to look for in the video: (1) There is a long close up of a woman I used to spend a lot of time with. You'll recognize her as the one with the really intense look on her face. What's great about this is that she is totally making the face she always made when she was pretending to listen vey intently but was actually thinking, "You are insane. Get me out of here." She even accents the look with a subtle little head nod. Nicely done. (2) My shoes make an appearance. There is a shot where they show everyone shuffling from table to table and they focus on the feet. Look for the dark New Balance kicks. That's me. Think Alaska also has some pictures so you can get more of a visual of the characters described above.

Sister Christen

2009-03-05T11:25:00.002-09:00

Governor Sarah Palin has appointed Morgan Christen to replace retiring Justice Warren Matthews on the Alaska Supreme Court. This is a fantastic choice. Justice Christen is a very nice woman, a fair and intelligent jurist, and is on the correct side (in my opinion) of many social justice issues. This includes a woman's right to make decisions about her health without government interference. In fact, Justice Christen was on Planned Parenthood's Board of Directors in the 1990s.

This has led many people to wonder why Governor Palin, who has made no secret of her pro-life positions, would appoint a pro-choice justice, especially in the face of stingent opposition from conservative groups. For instance, the Alaska Family Council, a "Christian pro-family, anti-abortion group" sent an e-mail to thousands of people asking them to urge Palin to pick Eric Smith, the other nominee for the position, and not Christen. The group's president said Smith was "more conservative" and that Christen would be "another activist on the court." I'm not sure where AFC is getting its facts, because while Christen may be pro-choice, Smith is pro-environment--he worked for Trustees For Alaska, a public interest environmental law firm, before becoming a judge. And I think we can all agree that saving trees, protecting drinking water, and ensuring survival of endangered species does not quite = conservative.

So what drove Sarah's decision? Why would she buck the will of the far right? A few possibilities:

She's a maverick. (Duh.)
The only thing she hates more than abortion is the environment.
She thought her last name was "Christian," not Christen.

Whatever her reasoning, I applaud the Governor for appointing Justice Christen.

Things That Happened Since The Last Time I Wrote Anything Here

2009-03-03T00:26:00.003-09:00

Apologies for the lack of writing during the past three weeks. Despite my best efforts to do nothing, things kept happening. Probably because my winter hiberntation is over. That's right, we've hit the good part of the winter where there is lots of snow and nearly 11 hours of daylight up here in the AK. So I've been leaving the house occasionally, which interferes with my ability to blog. But I've been taking notes. Here are some things that happened recently:

My friend got thrown out of his gym for working out in jeans.
I got into an argument with a friend over the definition of "diss". She said not returning someone's phone call was a diss. I said that was just a snub and that a diss is a snub+. A diss has to involve something mean. We consulted urban dictionary. This was my favorite definition: A form of disrespecting someone, their homies, or thier mama. I’ve had this diss argument before. Years ago I was confronted by a girl I had passive-aggressively broken up with. Basically I just “got too busy” to keep hanging out with her. She didn't take well to that excuse. She said, “You totally dissed me.” I replied, “I didn’t diss you. If I dissed you, I would have dropped you for someone else. I dropped you for nothing. [Because I really did get super-busy].” I wasn’t trying to be mean. I was trying to make her feel better. Didn’t work. She started crying and ran out of the bar. That was bad. I felt terrible. And I had to stop going to that bar.
My friend’s dog was diagnosed with reverse sneezing disorder. It’s real. Look it up.
These guys are assholes. If the charges are true, if they sentenced kids to terms in private juvenile detention center in exchange for kickbacks from those private detention centers, they should be locked up for life. As should the people who did the kickbacking. That is abhorrent.
Me: It’s a rough job market for lawyers right now.
Her: But didn’t you go to Harvard?
Me: Um, no.
Her: Oh, I thought you did.
Me: Nope.
Her: …..
Me: We can pretend I went to Harvard if that works better for you.
Her: Okay.
I heart Shaq. This is how he was introduced at the NBA All-Star Game. Sometimes I just can't stand how smooth he is.
I found out that one of my friends is going to argue in front of the US Supreme Court next month.
Two people told me I look like Stanford Blatch.
I went to see Dan Savage speak @ UAA with Dr. Michelle and Chelsea, who turns out to be a sometimes lingerie model. I thought this would make me look pretty cool, rolling in with 2 hot chicks. Then I sat down next to a group of friends—all women. Suddenly I realized that I didn’t look like the envy of every guy’s eye, I looked totally gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that). Yup, one guy sitting amongst a group of women at a Dan Savage performance. I couldn’t have planned that any worse. Then I noticed an ex-girlfriend sitting a few rows back. I mentioned to Dr. Michelle that if she should happen to lovingly stroke my hair or the back of my neck in full view of said ex, that would be great. Two minutes later one of the other members of my harem, an acquaintance sitting a few seats over who did not hear the prior conversation b/w me and Dr. M, leaned over and told me that she might need me to flirt with her a little because her ex-husband was sitting in our row. Great minds think alike. Also: Anchorage is really small and totally incestuous.
I scheduled a meeting with a colleague to take place in Girdwood on a chairlift. I thought this was acceptable considering many professionals conduct business on golf courses.
Boxy: The marriage paperwork is ½ page long and costs $20. The divorce paperwork is 40 pages long and costs $200.
Me: Well, the State has an interest in discouraging divorce.
Boxy: No, the only reason the marriage paperwork is so short is that you can’t possibly love someone enough to fill out 40 pages, but you certainly can hate them enough to do it.
This may make me start drinking Pepsi. I love Mexican Coke, but it's hard to find.
Crazy Korean Tailor Rose: Are you married?
Me: No.
Rose’s Friend: Oh, I’m sorry.
I wondered: would being married to a woman while in a civil union with a man be considered polygamy?
A Jamaican musher?! Is it Doug E. Doug?
I cited Cobra Commander as proof that people can be intrinsically evil.
Em: It’s so warm—look I’m wearing almost nothing! [NB: it was 25 degrees outside].
Me: What are you talking about? You’re covered from head to toe! You're wearing Uggs, leggings, a fleece jacket, a down vest and a hat!
Em: Well, the leggings are light and this is so much less than I usually wear this time of year.

Another One Bites The Dust

2009-02-11T18:27:00.006-09:00

Another day, another Alaska public official resigns. Michael Stotts, the mayor of Barrow (pretty much the northernmost spot in the AK) resigned amid charges that he improperly ran up about ~~$17,000~~ $28,000 in personal charges on a city-owned credit card. Including, this is the best part: bail when he was arrested for a DUI and his subsequent legal defense fees. I didn't even know you could post bail with a credit card! And this guy thought it would be a good idea to put it on the company card. Nicely done. Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Pitchers and Catchers Report

2009-02-11T07:00:00.001-09:00

Pitchers and catchers report to spring training in just 2 days. As far as I'm concerned, when strung together, "pitchers and catchers report" compose some of the most beautiful words in the English language. My love of baseball and the time and energy I spend thinking about it may be irrational, but I am far from alone. I know that at the very least Doris Kearns Goodwin is with me. She explains our infatuation much better than I can: "In my own life I shall always be grateful for having found a form of play in my irrational love of baseball which allows me from the beginning of spring training to the end of the fall to have something to occupy my mind and heart other than my work." Word, Doris. Word.

Nate Silver is with us too. And now that the elections are over, he can finally get back to the important stuff: analyzing baseball statistics. And so far, so good. He's got the Mets winning the NL East by 5 games. I only hope he's as right about this as he was about the electoral college.

Oh, Talis

2009-02-10T21:44:00.002-09:00

Alaska Attorney General Talis Colberg resigned today. Remember "Troopergate," that little dust-up from last fall where the Alaska State Legislature investigated Sarah Palin for possibly firing Walt Monegan, the State Public Safety Commissioner, because he refused to fire Mike Wooten, an Alaska State Trooper who was also Palin's ex-brother-in-law? The Legislature sure does. And in the wake of that body resolving that Todd Palin and a bunch of other folks were in contempt for failing to comply with legislative subpoenas issued during the investigation, and questions about Talis's actions during that time bubbling up, TC called it quits. [1] I can't really blame him. Talis was a really nice guy, but he never seemed cut out for Alaska politics.

[1] See Mudflats for more insight into the goings-on.

I met Talis once. We were both on a panel discussing legal careers with high school kids. Well, I was on the panel and he gave the introductory remarks. Actually, now that I think about it, Lisa Murkowski gave the introductory remarks via video [2] and then Talis spoke about Dracula. I'm serious. He talked about the story of Drcacula (the one from the novel) and how Count D never got a trial and that's why lawyers and the American system of justice are so important (or something very similar to that). We chatted for a few minutes before he got up to speak and what I remember most about our conversation was that it was really hard for me to come up things to talk about, and that really frustrated me because after all, he's a high-ranking government official, and isn't schmoozing part of his job? Guess not. We wound up talking about the weather and about his mom and about what his mom thought about the weather.

[2] This turned out to be quite awkward. The panelists were all sitting on the stage in an auditorium. A screen came down behind us and Senator Murkowski's message was projected onto it. The screen was behind us and above our heads, so we couldn't see it. But all of the kids in the audience were looking at it and we had to just sit there and watch them as they watched the message. I decided to move my chair and turn it around so I could face the screen and watch the message too (and not stare uncomfortably at a room full of kids trying not to stare uncomfortably at me). I whispered this plan to the panelist next to me, but she wasn't into it. Neither were the others. End result: I'm sitting on the stage with my back to the audience watching Lisa F. while everyone else on the stage is facing forward. This is my life.

Here's a question: SP recently instituted a hiring freeze for state employees. Does this preclude her from hiring a new AG? That would be hilarious.

It Fell Pretty Far From The Tree

2009-02-08T23:06:00.003-09:00

Mom: I don't understand how you can live without a TV. How do you know what's going on in the world?

My Brother: I listen to NPR all the time.

Mom: What's NPR?

Monday Procrastinatory Assistance

2009-02-02T06:57:00.001-09:00

Useless superpowers
What if Google's parents went away for the weekend? This is a really funny video with people acting as websites would if they went to a party at Google's house. Then, these same websites stage an intervention for Myspace.
My biggest pet peeve: apostrophe abuse.
How many 12-year-olds could you beat up before they overtook you?
Roger Clemens is nuts (pun intended).
I love how this guy's head turns to look at you when his site loads.

Courting Disaster

2009-01-28T13:49:00.011-09:00

I had lunch with a newly-returned-to-Alaska friend (NRAF) today. The conversation went something like this:

NRAF: What do you think of all of this volcano stuff?
Me: I think it's just a bunch of hype; the media trying to scare us again. [1]

[1] Actually, this time I don't think it's just media hype. There are legitimate, verifiable scientific reasons why we should be concerned that Mt. Redoubt may erupt any day now. Accordingly, I scored a few face masks from the black market (all the stores were sold out), because the other suggested option, using a wet bandanna to cover your face and prevent inhalation of mass ash, doesn't seem like it will work in 11-degree weather.

NRAF: I actually kind of want it to erupt--I mean, it's one of the cooler natural disasters you can live through.
Me: You do realize it is going to fuck everything up for months, right? The last time it erupted it lasted for 5 months. [2]
NRAF: Wait--what? I was willing to be inconvenienced for a weekend . . . nevermind. I'm not rooting for an eruption anymore.

[2] The last time Redoubt erupted it occurred over a period that lasted from December 1989 through April 1990. This doesn't make any sense to me. I thought volcanoes just erupted and then you dealt with the aftermath. 5 months? Can someone explain this?

If it does erupt, at least it will look pretty cool. Here is a picture from 1990:

UPDATE: Maybe it is all hype. I just went to the Anchorage Daily News website and the pending eruption isn't even listed among the main headlines anymore. Here are the top stories affecting our safety at 6:25 pm:

1. C Street closed after car gets hit by train.

2. Storm may bring a foot of snow overnight.

3. Students safe after school fire.

4. Palin forms PAC.

5. Man shoots and kills woman then self in parking lot.

Train accident, snowstorm, school fire, Sarah Palin for President, murder/suicide in a parking lot. Oh, and a volcano may erupt. This place is scary. Get me out of here.

Toys for Tots?

2009-01-27T17:36:00.011-09:00

Someone actually thought that kids would want to recreate the thrilling experience that is airport security. Seriously. Here is the manufacturer's description for the Playmobil Security Checkpoint:

The woman traveler stops by the security checkpoint. After placing her luggage on the screening machine, the airport employee checks her baggage. The traveler hands her spare change and watch to the security guard and proceeds through the metal detector. With no time to spare, she picks up her luggage and hurries to board her flight!

Yeah. Sounds awesome. And it looks like hours of fun too:
I loved Playmobil when I was a kid, but this look super-boring. Some of the customer reviews are great and hit on the larger social issues inherent in a playset that is one step short of recreating a "papers please" checkpoint behind the Iron Curtain:

I was a little disappointed when I first bought this item, because the functionality is limited. My 5 year old son pointed out that the passenger's shoes cannot be removed. Then, we placed a deadly fingernail file underneath the passenger's scarf, and neither the detector doorway nor the security wand picked it up. My son said "that's the worst security ever!".
Thank you Playmobil for allowing me to teach my 5-year old the importance of recognizing what a failing bureaucracy in an ever growing fascist state looks like.
I like the basic idea. I applaud Playmobile for attempting to provide us with the tools we need to teach our children to unquestioningly obey the commands of the State Security Apparatus, but unfortunately, this product falls short of doing that. There's no brown figure for little Josh to profile, taser, and detain? Where are all the frightened plastic Heartlanders pointing at the brown figure as they whisper "terrorist?" Where are the hippy couple figures being denied boarding passes? And shouldn't someone be forcing a mother figure to drink her own breast milk?
This toy would be a lot more realistic if it came with about 350 other Playmobil people to stand in the line and wait about hour. Is there a deluxe set with an interrogation room?

Or, if you really want to raise a fascist, you can purchase a video game called PRISON TYCOON. I shit you not. Your child can now control the prison industrial complex from the comfort of home. As the website advertises:

"You are the warden...Their fate is in your hands...rehabilitate them...or BREAK them."

Control the layout of your prison buildings and the arrangement of the rooms and facilities within them. Place dormitories and cellblocks, mess halls and gymnasiums, but don't expect to be able to build death row right away.

When you begin you will have a low security rating and must, with effort and managerial skill, improve your prison, maintain inmate discipline and increase your security to maximum. As time passes more inmates will arrive and you must deal with each new influx as they step off the prison bus, all of them needing to be housed and fed.

Raise funds for the upkeep of your inmates, staff and facilities by building on-site factories where your inmates can work. Will you rehabilitate offenders by allowing them learn trade skills or educate themselves while in prison, or discuss their issues with the prison Therapist? Or will you simply send in the guards to quell unrest...

Oh. My. God. Who thinks this stuff up? [1] This is much more disturbing than video games like Grand Theft Auto that allow players to carjack at will and shoot random hookers in the head (without even having sex with them first). This is making social injustice fun and acceptable. This aggression will not stand.

[1] This premise of this game sounds remarkably like the terrible Stallone movie Lock Up.

This Is Getting Ridiculous

2009-01-26T22:04:00.006-09:00

Life in the AK is hard and sometimes dangerous. You leave your house and you can easily freeze to death, get run over by a moose, eaten by a bear, sucked under the mud flats, etc. Alaskans know this. And we kind of like it. The sense of danger lurking around every corner makes life here more exciting and makes us feel tougher and more special than those of you living in the Lower 48/America. But in the last few days it has ventured into the ridiculous: a 5.7 earthquake hit the area on Saturday morning and a volcano may erupt tonight.

There isn't going to be a lava flow sweeping through Anchorage or anything like that, but if Mt. Redoubt pops, the city will be blanketed in ash. I've never experienced that before, but people who have tell me it sucks. The ash gets everywhere--in your clothes, in your car's air filter, even in your computer. It envelopes the city, covering it in a sooty cloud and making air traffic (and hence delivery of food and whatnot) almost impossible. Noted safety expert Neighbor Julie, in response to a "be prepared for disasters" e-mail that went out at her office, told me she was heading to Home Depot to get those facemasks people who are afraid of Asian Bird Flu wear on planes, covers for her heating vents, and an air filter for her car.

My response: Do you even know where the air filter for your car goes?
Neighbor Julie: No, but I'm hoping the owner's manual explains it.

She never made it to Home Depot, but she did instill enough fear in me that I ran to the grocery store to buy survival food. But somehow all I wound up with are the ingredients for mattar paneer. So, if disaster stikes, I'm going to whip up a big batch. That seems to be the appropriate response for the situation. I probably should have bought some water.

Faced

2009-01-21T08:00:00.008-09:00

I resisted Facebook for a long time. I was a serious Friendster addict back in the day (c. 2002-2004), and once I kicked that habit I resisted the social networking site pull for a while (I skipped the MySpace thing entirely).

I finally caved in and created a Facebook profile last summer. I did it under duress: Viv threatened to make one for me "that I certainly wouldn't like" unless I did it myself immediately. So I signed up, created an account, but did nothing with it for a couple of months. But once winter hit I was back on the sauce. Hard.

I skipped my 10-yr high school reunion for two reasons: (1) I didn’t want to leave the AK in the middle of the summer and spend 10 hours flying to hot, humid NJ; and (2) I didn’t want to have all of the “catching-up” conversations with a bunch of people I didn’t really care about catching up with. I just wanted the best parts of the reunion w/o the reunion: All I wanted to know about my former classmates was: What do you look like now? What do you do? Are you married? What does your spouse look like? I remember thinking that instead of a reunion, it would be great if the school would just publish something with pictures and updates on the class of ’93. Ask and ye shall receive. Now I can see what every girl I had a crush on in high school is up to and what their husbands look like. Thanks, FB. I also have way more information than I need about almost everyone I’ve ever known since kindergarten. This has yielded some interesting results.

First, it has given me a new pet peeve. Why do so many people use pictures of their kids as their profile pic? It’s your profile, not your child’s. I hate that. It has now been added to the Offical B-Dice Pet Peeve List which includes crooked bumper stickers on cars, couples that wear matching outfits, improper use of apostrophes, and a couple of other things that I can't quite remember right now.

Second, some peeps from my past provide fabulous material for online people watching:

-A guy I went to high school with is either stalking Axl Rose, is in a Guns N’ Roses cover band, or both.

-A a girl that I only remember as being unusually fond of Debbie Gibson seems to have some cool LA film industry job and goes on a lot of dates that don't end well.

-A girl from high school seems to be an escort/prostitute. I base this conclusion on nothing more than her profile pictures. They are all self-portraits (evidenced by the distinctive angle achieved from holding one's own camera in front of and below one's self). Rather than invade whatever modicum of a privacy interest one has when you post pictures online, I won't copy-and-paste her pics, and instead will just describe each of them in detail:

A black & white shot of her in lingerie w/ a rose tucked b/w her breasts (there are 2 of these photos--one close up, one wide shot);
Wearing a red hoodie, pink panties, and showing off her below-the-belly button tattoos;
Holding the camera from above her head with lots of silvery jangly bracelets and her bra (part lace/part leopard print) exposed;
2 extreme eye close ups;
Wearing nothing but a bra w/a red bow tied around neck (2 of these);
Lying flat on her bed, open cardigan sweater, nothing underneath (2 of these);
The same pictures as the pictures described in #1 above, but in color and w/ the rose in her mouth instead of b/w her breasts.

-Another high school acquaintance seemed pretty cool at first glance: she lives in NY, dresses kind of funky, and is a graphic designer. Then I was notified that she joined the "1,000,000 Strong for McCain/Palin" group. I checked the group's page to see if it was serious or ironic. It was for reals. I don't know this girl at all, but I was still shocked that she was a Palin/McCain supporter. I deleted her.

-One woman appears to have had a breast augmentation, and if you look closely at the background of her picture, there is a painting hanging on the wall of either Mary Magdalene touching the head of someone kneeling in front of her or of someone being knighted. Also, on a shelf under that picture: a bunch of beanie babies and other stuffed animals.

-A college friend is still crazy. This is what he wrote to me: “Well I live in southern Ohio, and I also have a small private campground. I am a Solar Power Engineer. I am Organizing Villages (sic), so that we will be safe when the anarchy begins, and it is beginning soon. I have many things I can tell you, keep in touch.”

-One girl, who mysteriously disappeared for about a year during high school now has a 16 y/o daughter. Ah-ha. Mystery solved. (Not judging; just saying).

-Finally, there is KT. I haven't talked to her since 1994. She is my absolute favorite Facebook find so far. She has an amazing hobby: she collects douchebags! See for yourself:

Note the Jesus tatoo.

Yes, he is grabbing her breast. Classy.

Mickey Mouse tattoo. Shows his sensitive side.

Is that just one arm?

Do these guys all shop at the same store?

I'm so glad I don't live on whatever planet she goes to for spring break.

Evidence Of Change

2009-01-20T21:46:00.003-09:00

Granted, the technology has improved a lot since then, but a comparison between what the White House website looked like when W took over v. what it looks like now is telling.

Just Another Tuesday

2009-01-19T23:13:00.008-09:00

Plans for tomorrow morning:

Wake up super-early.

Grind beans.

Make coffee for 6.

Get bagels from Neighbor Julie.

Take out cream cheese and smoked salmon.

Put it all on a big plate (or 2).

McGeez, Hank, Becks, Neighbor Julie are coming over.

Watch some pomp and circumstance.

Witness history.

Listen to a speech.

Smile (definitely).

Cry (probably).

Got to work (happily).

Isn't the apocalypse fun?

2009-01-15T17:07:00.003-09:00

One week ago it was -20 degrees outside. Right now it is 40. Anchorage is covered in ice with periodic deep puddles. This is the Best. Winter. Ever.